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Thread: Swan on the Zoo Bus

  1. #1
    New Secret NewSecret's Avatar
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    Swan on the Zoo Bus

    Danny took his girlfriend Laura and their son Joel to

    the zoo one bright early sunny morning after church.

    It was Joel’s idea and his parents were happy to

    oblige his wishes.



    They all loved animals, owning a boa constrictor that

    they kept in a cage in their back yard. Danny owned

    several reptiles and amphibians before he and Laura

    got together. When they bought the house they now live

    in they decided one animal was enough, agreeing on the

    boa as the one they both wanted to keep. They took the

    remaining animals to a dealer and traded them for

    in-store credit.



    Dressed in their Sunday best they were excited to go.

    Joel wanted to see the aquarium more than anything

    else as the zoo had some sea turtles that fascinated

    him. Laura wanted to see the giraffes while Danny

    wanted to see the zoo’s lone komodo dragon.



    Unlike many city’s zoos, the zoo they went to was

    located outside of the city limits next to the state

    park. This location allowed for a much larger area

    than the majority of city zoos. This was good for the

    zoo animals as it allowed them more space to roam

    around than usual.



    On their drive to the zoo with Danny in the driver’s

    seat they had a conversion about animals.



    Danny asked his son Joel, “What’s your favorite animal

    in the world?”



    Joel replied, “The hammer-head shark!”



    Laura said, “Oh, really? And why do you like the

    hammer-head shark?”



    Joel shrugged and replied, “I dunno, they look really

    cool I guess.”



    Danny said, “Maybe someday we will go shark fishing

    and we’ll see if we can catch one then have us some

    shark steaks.”



    Laura said, “Ooh, that’s a good idea! You want to go

    shark fishing Joel?”



    Joel replied, “Yeah!”



    Danny said, “Okay then, we will figure out when we’ll

    go shark fishing when we get home and check our

    calendar. You’re gonna love it, son. We’ll go out on a

    rental boat for a day and see what we can find.”



    Joel replied, “Sounds great! I can’t wait to go!”



    Danny and Laura smiled at each other.



    Danny said, “When I was a boy like you I would go to

    the lake with my best friends with some fishing gear

    and we would catch trout. Those were the days, I tell

    ya.”



    Joel said, “My friend’s mom has ten cats. They have a

    cat door in the laundry room where they go in and out

    to the side yard. They buy lotsa cat food, like, two

    tall boxes every day. Their house smells like cats and

    there’s fur all over everything. I don’t like to play

    inside there because of it so we go to the park to

    play catch with my football.”



    Laura replied, “Well that’s not good. Too many cats.

    She takes good care of them though, right?”



    Joel said, “Yeah, they take them to the vet and always

    make sure they’re healthy and clean.”



    Danny said, “Look, there’s a crocodile.” Then he

    pointed to the ditch up ahead. Laura and Joel peered

    out the passenger windows as they neared the

    crocodile. It was moving slowly up the bank and

    towards the forested glades in the distance. Danny

    slowed as they passed.



    Danny said, “Aren’t you fortunate to never walk into

    one of those suckers on accident? That’s be a nasty

    chomp to say the least.”



    Laura said, “This one’s got more yellow on it than

    usual. I never seen a croc so bright.”



    Joel added, “Yeah, it’s really really yellow. Like a lemon

    pie.”



    Danny speeded up again to traffic speed. He said,

    “We’re gonna be there soon so hold your horses!”



    Ten minutes later they arrived at the zoo. The zoo was

    very large indeed, giving the impression of a safari.

    The outside wall looked like it was over a mile or two

    in length.




    Inside the greeting area building there was a single

    skeleton of a dinosaur set up in the center of the

    room with a placard mounted on a podium that read,

    “coming soon”. Danny, Laura and Joel laughed at the

    humorous novelty then they went to the ticket counter

    where Danny bought their zoo passes. They were given

    maps of the zoo and closed soda thermoses for the

    drink stands scattered around the zoo.



    Danny and his family exited the rear of the entrance

    building into the main area of the zoo. A crowd had

    gathered around a zoologist who had a baby cheetah in

    her arms. She had a bottle of milk and the cheetah

    eagerly sucked the sweet liquid up.



    “Ah, isn’t that cute?” Laura said, “Let’s go look at

    the cheetah.” Danny, Laura and Joel all joined the

    crowd to watch the cheetah feeding. The zoologist told

    the crowd fun facts about cheetahs while the crowd

    swooned over the cuteness of the cheetah. When the

    cheetah had it’s fill she put the bottle on the table

    near her then invited the crowd to one following the other

    touch the cheetah’s fur.



    Laura asked Joel, “Do you want to touch the baby cheetah?”



    Joel replied, “Yeah!”



    They all three caressed the cheetah’s soft fur. Laura

    said, “It is a beautiful animal, isn’t it?”



    When they were done with the cheetah Danny looked at

    his map to decide where they would go next. He said,

    “The rhinoceros cage is over there.” He pointed, then

    said, “Let’s go see the rhinoceros first.”



    At the rhinoceros area the land was lowered enough

    that the rhinoceros couldn’t get out. On the edge of

    the essentially extensive hole was a stone wall with a

    wooden railing to lean on and look down upon the

    massive horned animal.



    Joel said, “Wow! Look what size it is!”



    The rhinoceros only stood there, not moving. It’s

    small tail jerked at the flies irritating it’s

    hindside. The area was obviously a temporary holding

    for the rhinoceros as it couldn’t’ve been more than

    the area of a small house.



    Joel said, “It looks like a dinosaur, doesn’t it?”



    Danny replied to his son, “Yes, it does son, sort of.

    It’s got some dangerous looking horns, doesn’t it?”



    Joel said, “It definitely does.”



    When they were done observing the rhinoceros Danny

    said, “Great! Let’s get on the zoo bus now and do the

    mini-safari thing. There’s lions and giraffes and

    gazelle in separate sections. When we’re done with the

    zoo bus we’ll go ahead and visit the aquarium. Sound

    like a plan?”



    Joel replied, “Yeah, sounds like a plan!”



    When they got to the zoo bus area there was a swan on

    the zoo bus roof, spreading it’s wings out.

  2. #2
    Registered User Steven Hunley's Avatar
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    Not sure what this is all about. A family goes to the zoo, is that it? 'Cause if that's all there is, it isn't enough.

    I mean, it doesn't have to be a vampire family and it doesn't have to be a zombie family and it doesn't have to have action like when one member of the family gets eaten by a lion, but it has to have more than this. Yes, it has details, and certain things happen, but when it comes down to it, it has no rising action, or maybe no plot.

    The unveiling of plot is what moves the reader's attention along. With the lack of action and vacuous dialogue, all it does is put the reader to sleep. Sounds like you have details (but details must add character or set mood or somehow move the plot along) and you've got action (although it's repetitive, they physically move from one place to another) but you've got no plan.

    A reader will keep reading only if they suspect you're going to take them somewhere. (to a suitable ending) Otherwise, they give up. Give them something for the time they invested.

  3. #3
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    I read your with a different mind set than the writer of the post before this one. I imagined it as a children's book with great art work of the family and the animals. The ending did not work for me.

    With my mind working as a children's book, I enjoyed the story, and see it's value.

    Take care

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