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Thread: "In My Fathers Blood" Short Story draft help and opinions?

  1. #1
    Troy Cray
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    "In My Fathers Blood" Short Story draft help and opinions?

    My Fathers Blood


    Standing idle while absently gazing out over the distant horizon, Mitchell Dunstan, lost deep in his thoughts, reflected back to his earlier years as a child around the time his dog ‘Ruffmate’ had died. Mitchell was able to vividly recall the words his father had spoken to him after they finished burying Ruffmate; “You’re a good lad Mitchell, but you have to remember that these things don’t just happen to you. This is how the world works and life here is precious. We’re in and then we’re out in a blink of an eye. As you grow into a man, you’ll come to realize certain things about this world and should you ever find yourself disheartened or disappointed with the way things are, just know that many others and myself have been through the same things you're experiencing and sometimes all any of us can do is whatever we can to make things better for ourselves and the ones we care about. If you are as much like me as your mother says, then chances are you will end up having the same bleak outlook on life as I sometimes do. Just remember this; life is what you make of it, so make it count and harvest what you can. Love and be loved. That’s probably the only real cure to pick anyone back up. If I hadn’t of known your mother, things probably would have gone much differently in my life and I might not of been able to live without her.”
    Mitchell found his memories of the conversation weren't easy to piece together, but now he could understand a little more of what his father had meant and many of his words echoed through Mitchell's mind as he sought the much needed comfort he craved from them, but could not muster. As the minutes drew on, the memory only served to mock him and began to sound ironic the more he thought about it.
    To change his train of thought, Mitchell re-evaluated his surroundings and once again focused back on the horizon where the sun had just begun to set. The sudden breeze and the orange, pink and purple clouds allowed Mitchell to gather his scattered thoughts and clear his conscious and subconscious mind. Soon he noticed himself absorb into the present moment, becoming only aware of his surroundings and the warm sunlight that covered him. Mitchell felt as if he were celebrating his own release from this life to the next, ‘A funeral, but one to be celebrated’ he thought to himself and with a deep breath and without a moments hesitation, Mitchell leapt from the 15 story ledge and plunged to his death.
    Last edited by spacdud; 04-12-2015 at 09:15 PM.

  2. #2
    Registered User Passwave's Avatar
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    Your story sort of implies that Mitchell committed suicide because he couldn't find a good woman.
    "If I hadn’t of known your mother, things probably would have gone much differently in my life and I might not of been able to live without her."
    Was that your intention?

  3. #3
    Inexplicably Undiscovered
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    Begin your story in a dramatic way designed to "hook" the reader. In other words, hit the ground running.

    Avoid excessive wordiness and repetition. Don't be trite. When writing dialogue, try to make the conversation as realistic as possible. Here, for instance, the father speaks in empty platitudes, similiar to the lecture of Polonius, which Shakespeare meant to be satiric.

    Needless to say, before a beginner can write like a pro, he has to brush up on the basics of grammar, usage, and punctuation. For example,
    If I hadnít of known your mother, things probably would have gone much differently in my life and I might not of been able to live without her.Ē
    If I hadn't known your mother. . .
    I might not have been able. . .
    Also, don't forget to skip a space between paragraphs.

    Finally, at this stage of your writing progress, pick topics that are more easily managed. It might be a good idea to wait until your craft evolves before tackling complex themes such as suicide. In this effort, the result seems clumsy and melodramatic.

    I don't mean to discourage you, but rather suggest ways in which you might improve your writing. Keep reading and learning from the masters of the art. You'll find that the more you read, the better your writing will become.

    Welcome to the NitLet.

    Auntie

  4. #4
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    I like it.. It's an intriguing story... I want to know what lead to Mitchell's decision to jump. Maybe expand on that and make it more vivid. What is the view like... Is he looking at a factory he used to work at... or this particular ledge, what building is this. Also, I think end it with "fifteen story ledge." Get rid of plunged to his death. That's obvious to readers, don't over tell the story.

  5. #5
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    I would love for you to evaluate my writing. It seems like you are a seasoned writer! Mine is under Philosophy - "Exhibit A"

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