Like drifting logs on a river

[NikolaiI]

Like drifting logs on a river
We sometimes come together,
For a while to brush against
The tree bark of another.
But not to stay for ever -
It's our wish
To fly
far away
to the stars.

[Bar22do]

I like your first image very much, it's beautiful and well found. I'd stay with the water milieu and logs simile to the end of the poem as they suggest the meetings' desired fortuity. The sudden wish to fly to the stars, at least as I feel it, disrupts the thought. Well, I may be completely wrong, of course.
Tell me what you think.

Best always and thanks for sharing your poem,

Bar

[Hawkman]

Hi Nikolai,

I agree with Bar vis the abrupt shift in metaphor. The idea of floating logs longing for the stars is a little incongruous. The comma at the end of L2 is in the wrong place. You could put it at the end of L1 or after 'while' in L3. I'd also query your use of tree. The simile of logs establishes the context, so saying "tree bark" is unnecessary. "For a while" is rather a long-winded way of saying "briefly" which would also give you a little alliteration with brushing. Worded like this,

"Like drifting logs on a river
We sometimes come together,
brush briefly, bark to bark..."

This way the comma at the end of L2 is appropriate as it separates separate elements of the sentence.

You have already said "for a while" in your poem, so the "not to stay forever" is also superfluous as it appears to refer to "brushing against... another". However, because you have ended the previous line with a full stop, it could also refer to flying to the stars, but the dash after 'ever' separates the thought from this idea. Consequently, it lacks coherent progression and association.

The poem has nice imagery and a solid foundation. The opening has a pleasing rhythm, but I feel that it deserves to be worked up into something more substantial. Try to avoid repeating yourself in tatologous concepts. I'll be interested to see what you do with it.

Live and be well - H

[NikolaiI]

Thx guyz.

It's about stopping and seeing.

[virtuoso]

Or, you could contrast it with driftwood seeking it's ultimate end, its destiny. You could expand the poem to include future rendezvous points. The clear, shaded pool, or some other calm, tranquil location. You meet at the junction, then aimlessly drift until reaching your destiny! Like the others said, a well-conceived idea!

[NikolaiI]

Thanks Virtuoso. It's actually a borrowed idea, so none of it's mine! hehe
it's an ancient idea, but a lot of the best ones are.

I appreciate the thoughtful comment, but my general style is to simply write thousands of poems. I've always found that's the best way to grow and learn as a poet. The second thing I do, is absolutely not to write for gain... so any power I get, I give it away. As Schopenhauer undestood, as soon as you write for gain, you immediately begin to write quite poorly. :-)
Thanks again, see you around