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Thread: Summer Stifle.

  1. #1
    Registered User Delta40's Avatar
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    Summer Stifle.

    Fly spray won't keep
    them away
    nor frankincense
    evaporating on the

    sill

    Ash from incense sticks
    falls to the table
    and I sit in the far

    corner

    behind bills, pizza vouchers
    and charity pleas
    watching the

    candlelight

    flicker across body moisturizer,
    empty pint glasses
    and melted butter

    thinking

    everything in front of me
    is an advancing chess piece.
    Before sunlight can shine through a window, the blinds must be raised - American Proverb

  2. #2
    It wasn't me Jerrybaldy's Avatar
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    Love the title and the structure and the evocative nature of the whole

    For those who believe,
    no explanation is necessary.
    For those who do not,
    none will suffice.

  3. #3
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    This is... extraordinary. Such a simple, yet minutely observed moment, a meditation. For me, at least, it functions on multiple levels. It is a piece I'm sure I will keep returning to. I have no desire to deconstruct it. I enjoy it for what it is, and where it takes me.

    Live and be well - H

  4. #4
    Jai Keshava NikolaiI's Avatar
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    I will third the chorus; Delta, this is phenomenal.

  5. #5
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    Extraordinary until the last two lines. I love the futility ensconced in the better part of the poem. The last two lines did not satisfy me at all. Can you rewrite the poem and come up with a different summation. This poem is too good to let fallow. The conclusion is very important. I would love to see your thoughts and alternate ideas on the ending. Glad to see you back in the swing of things. You are missed when you take a break. What about, " Nature takes its course, and I am a pawn", or "Nature takes its course, and I live in its shadow". Anywho, good to see you writing again and hopefully again!

  6. #6
    Registered User Delta40's Avatar
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    Thanks virtuoso. What do other lit-netters think of this suggestion?
    Before sunlight can shine through a window, the blinds must be raised - American Proverb

  7. #7
    Registered User DieterM's Avatar
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    Really excellent, D. I rather like your last two lines, which keeps things, I don't know how to put it, with a veil of mystery? light and summery, in a way. I wouldn't want a heavy, too "meaningful" ending. As it is, it's open, like an invitation for everyone to sit down and mediate themselves…
    "Im Arm der Liebe schliefen wir selig ein…" ("Liebesode" - Otto Erich Hartleben)
    New poetry collection available (Kindle and paperback)

  8. #8
    riding a cosmic vortex MystyrMystyry's Avatar
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    bumps

  9. #9
    Registered User miyako73's Avatar
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    I won't change a thing, Delta. I like the randomness of images and their visual differences that cohesively combine into a whole narrative.
    "You laugh at me because I'm different, I laugh at you because you're all the same."

    --Jonathan Davis

  10. #10
    Inexplicably Undiscovered
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    Don't touch the closing lines. Forgive the mixed metaphor, but the image comes out of left field. It takes us totally by surprise, after the aromatic metaphors preceding it. To tell you the truth, you had me at "frankincense." There's a pun in that word.

  11. #11
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    Delta, interesting opinions from the litnutters, but I am still not satiated with the obvious ending to the poem. The breadth of the poem describes the advancing objects/actions. We know from your scintillating descriptions that these things are occurring in front of you. The ending begs the obvious. Maybe the other litnutters are satiated with a predictable summation at the end of the poem. Dullards all (just kidding, no offence intended). The body is brilliant. The best poem, excepting the ending, that you have ever written. Throw out some different endings and see if they mesh. Take it as a challenge!

  12. #12
    Registered User Delta40's Avatar
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    Thanks so much everyone for your feedback.

    Virtuoso when you say obvious ending to a poem, do you mind being specific. I ask because I figure if there is more than one visual possible, it can't be that obvious. It can only be left to the reader to make their call and see what they will.

    I enjoyed composing this while stumbling round in poetry darkness!
    Before sunlight can shine through a window, the blinds must be raised - American Proverb

  13. #13
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    The ending is a simple summation of the poem. It is true that an obvious conclusion is the easiest to countenance. I, however, think that you could come up with a much more clever and enthralling ending to the poem. I will think of some good endings and throw them out there to you. It would be good if some of the other litnutters would chime in with their thoughts as well.

  14. #14
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    I thought of one ending. Here it is.

    shadowing

    the vigil of time
    existing (or lingering) in its wake


    I think that either existing or lingering would work in the last line. Your choice!

  15. #15
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    Here it is a humble revision of Delta's excellent poem. Give your opinions litnutters!



    Fly spray won't keep
    them away
    nor frankincense
    evaporating on the

    sill

    Ash from incense sticks
    falls to the table
    and I sit in the far

    corner

    behind bills, pizza vouchers
    and charity pleas
    watching the

    candlelight

    flicker across body moisturizer,
    empty pint glasses
    and melted butter

    shadowing

    the vigil of time
    lingering in its wake

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