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Thread: The Ugly Truth

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    The Rough Draft WordsWillCome's Avatar
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    The Ugly Truth

    Since I am not sure where this belongs I am posting this here. It is a series of seven daily posts that I wrote up and posted last year on Facebook to raise awareness for eating disorders. I am thinking of taking this one and the one I am writing up for this year's awareness week and making them into a book. Please read my story and let me know what you think of the idea of merging them and turning them into a book to raise awareness for the disorder. I look forward to your input. Thank you!
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    Last edited by WordsWillCome; 01-21-2015 at 01:39 AM.
    And there's days I wish life came with a << rewind button, some days I wish I could just all take back...
    And some days where I laugh and the whole world seems to serious and I think to myself, "where's the art in that?"

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    The Rough Draft WordsWillCome's Avatar
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    Day 1

    For those of you who don't know, today starts Eating Disorder Awareness week for 2014. This is a subject very close to my heart. For not only have I struggled with it personally but I have suffered watching others I love struggle in it's grasp.

    For had I known then what I know now, the true depth and hopelessness of it's grasp, perhaps I might have been wiser. But no one ever wants to talk about such unpleasantness and so for years I've sat and watched this date go by wishing there was something I could do, having the answer and being silent.

    But now, I'm taking a stand. Now because of an over due reminder that life is too short to be miserable I've decided to finally share my story both to share the realness of the disease but also the realness of the hope.

    What follows is my story. Some things of which I freely offer and other things of which I am ashamed but offer them to you now in hopes that sharing my story might change someone else's.

    As humans, we've been taught to hide everything. To want everyone to think we're perfect, like they appear to be. But no one's life is ever perfect. Some demons are just easier to spot than others.

    I realize that by posting this no one may ever see me the same; that it may cause some of my loved ones that I had kept this a secret from pain to know and to them I am sorry but I still want to share in case there is even one life out there that might be changed from reading this...
    And there's days I wish life came with a << rewind button, some days I wish I could just all take back...
    And some days where I laugh and the whole world seems to serious and I think to myself, "where's the art in that?"

  3. #3
    The Rough Draft WordsWillCome's Avatar
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    Day 2

    I have always been a control freak. For as long as I can remember this has been the case. I like things clean and neat and orderly. I like to know the future, the possible outcomes, the probable outcome. I've never dealt well with unknowns. I don't like anyone in control of my fate besides myself and when things don't go as I planned, sometimes I just can't handle it.

    For me, when my eating disorder started, it wasn't about how I looked (as a matter of fact I seemed to always weigh the most when I was struggling) but rather it was about controlling how I looked because sometimes in my life that seemed to be the only thing in my life I still could control. By starvation I could control the curves of my hips, the pain of the hunger, the number on the scale.

    I knew my body in and out. By the time I entered nursing school I could tell you within 2 pounds what I weighed that day without ever stepping onto a scale and prided myself on that fact.

    However as the years past something I hadn't foreseen began to happen inside me. Something that to this day I still struggle with especially in times of stress and that is "his" voice, a voice not my own yet clearly no one else's
    And there's days I wish life came with a << rewind button, some days I wish I could just all take back...
    And some days where I laugh and the whole world seems to serious and I think to myself, "where's the art in that?"

  4. #4
    The Rough Draft WordsWillCome's Avatar
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    Day 3

    I can't recall when it started. When he, ED (short for EDNOS, the type of disorder I suffer from) as I used to call him, was conceived but I know that ever since he was my life has never been the same.

    He's made me lie, count calories, turn down time with family to avoid meals, deny compliments and a host of other things I never would have done if he had never been born. I never meant to develop an eating disorder but things had reached a point where I could no longer deny that I had. Where I could no longer deny I was no longer in control.

    And when I realized that I sunk deeper into my depression than I ever had before. For I had lost the one thing I craved the most and as I started to fight back I began to realize just how far into the pit I'd fallen. The hardest part about waking up on the bottom wasn't knowing you'd hit the darkness of rock bottom; it was knowing there was only one person to blame, you.
    And there's days I wish life came with a << rewind button, some days I wish I could just all take back...
    And some days where I laugh and the whole world seems to serious and I think to myself, "where's the art in that?"

  5. #5
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    Day 4

    I had allowed myself to be lured in by his endless litany of false promises of just one more inch, just one more pound, just one more. But just one more was never enough and eventually that lead me to believe that I wasn't good enough.

    But by the time I realized this it was all too late. I had already been in the darkness for months without ever realizing how dark it was becoming. In that darkness, when I couldn't see what's right in front of my eyes. That was when ED really started to dig his claws into me.

    I started to skip a bite, then a meal, then two meals. Before long I was only eating the minimum dinner I knew wouldn't raise suspicion. I'd tell people I didn't feel well (which I did more and more the less I ate), that I had already eaten (when I hadn't) and even made a list of foods that I was and wasn't "allowed" to have. If I broke the rules, which were growing by the day, I punished myself (more restrictions and rules).

    Before I knew it I was staring at the toilet through tears wondering what it would feel like to rid myself of the cake I had just eaten. I knew how many calories it was. I knew how many calories I was allowed. I knew the punishment for it. I was slowly being consumed by the nothing I was consuming. I couldn't do anything without thinking about what food I would face, what lie I would tell, and what punishment there would be for failure.
    And there's days I wish life came with a << rewind button, some days I wish I could just all take back...
    And some days where I laugh and the whole world seems to serious and I think to myself, "where's the art in that?"

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    Day 5

    It got so bad that even in my own nightmare, I felt like an outcast. In my mind I wasn't dedicated enough to be anorexic or desperate enough to be bulimic. No, the only category I ever fell into was EDNOS, eating disorder not otherwise specified.

    Truth be told I had issues before ED. I'd never really been comfortable in my own body but when ED came along that was when I really started to escalate and deteriorate. Despite all his promises, ED didn't fix anything he just created more problems.

    When he moved in he exacerbated my depression, whittling away at my already fragile self esteem. Told me that he was the only way to deal with the craziness of the world around me. Tempted me to go further into the web he was weaving. I had never really been comfortable in my own skin but he was driving me to hate it.
    In that frame of mind I've wasted countless amounts of perfectly good food, I've intentionally tried to expose myself to the stomach flu and I've been so dehydrated and malnourished I've nearly blacked out walking down the stairs. But even that didn't scare me.

    No, in fact it I'm ashamed to say it made me proud because mom never noticed, because it saved me sticking my finger down my throat, and because that meant I was "doing something right". That it was just a little further until that next pound shed, until my hips bones stuck out more, until whatever my newest fantasy was.
    Those were my darkest days. I felt like a coward. I felt weak and useless and nothing anyone else said could make me feel different.
    And there's days I wish life came with a << rewind button, some days I wish I could just all take back...
    And some days where I laugh and the whole world seems to serious and I think to myself, "where's the art in that?"

  7. #7
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    Day 6

    No, nothing I ever did to myself scared me; the only thing that ever truly scared me was when he found out. I had started dating him (my ex) about two years after my disorder had started. We met online so it was easy enough to hide at first but then came the dates. After we started meeting in person it wasn't long before he called my bluff.

    I was equal parts mad and relieved when he figured it out. I was relieved because someone finally knew I was suffering but I was angry because I knew what was going to happen next. He was going to try to make me stop; he was going to try to take my only means of control away. I knew ED was flawed but I also knew ED was all I knew about coping with life anymore. It wasn't long before he was doing just that. He used to try to force me to eat which only lead to me feeling trapped and looking for new ways to take back the control.

    Before long ED had begun to cause a rift between us. He didn't understand, no one outside of the disorder ever does in my experience. He had the best of intentions but he lacked one vital piece of knowledge: you can force someone to eat but you can't force away the disorder. The bottom line is that until someone with an eating disorder wants out, they won't get out. You can change your behaviors but without the commitment to change, the thoughts become a silent haunting that never really go away, torturing you with every bite you take
    And there's days I wish life came with a << rewind button, some days I wish I could just all take back...
    And some days where I laugh and the whole world seems to serious and I think to myself, "where's the art in that?"

  8. #8
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    Day 7

    There is never anything beautiful about an eating disorder. It may make you beautiful on the outside for a time but it destroys you slowly from the inside out. Physically, mentally, emotionally. It's a slow, slow form of suicide that can leave you with irreversible damage even if you change your disordered habits.
    Early in my recovery I used to carry printed sheets (yes, plural) of all the damage disordered eating could do to your body as a reminder to stay on track. I knew one day I wanted to get married. I knew one day I wanted kids. I knew that if I continued down the path I was on with ED that all of that was in jeopardy.

    So I committed to getting better but ED wasn't going to go quietly into the night. It took years of counseling and soul searching to get where I am today. Truth be told most days I still hear his voice. However, it's quieter and easier to lay aside nowadays because of practice, because now I have more important voices to listen to. On days when I'm not strong enough for me, I choose to be strong enough for them. I maybe willing to hurt myself but no one hurts the ones I love, not even me.

    I've struggled with my eating disorder for nearly ten years now. I have learned that the struggle isn't defeat, defeat isn't even defeat. Defeat would only be giving up on recovery. It's not the struggle that matters it is the direction in which you choose to move. Find what works for you, what motives you and do it. Avoid your triggers on weak days and never stop believing. In my opinion the strong aren't the ones who never struggle; the strong are the ones who hear that whisper every day and still say no
    And there's days I wish life came with a << rewind button, some days I wish I could just all take back...
    And some days where I laugh and the whole world seems to serious and I think to myself, "where's the art in that?"

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