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Thread: Feedback needed

  1. #1
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    Feedback needed

    Hi im new here and I have recently started writing due to friends and family directing me this way.

    I've wrote a short section that I was hoping for some feedback on. Ive never really wrote much before as i'm 19 so looking to continue in what I love doing.

    Background to the 'story': It's about a girl who we eventually learn commited suicide after her relationship with her boyfriend ended. She now spends time watching over him and throughout speaks directly to him. She reflects on what has happened and more importantly this section reflects their love for each other.

    It's nothing serious, I just wanted to see what people thought to my style of writing. Much appreciated, thanks!


    You told me I was the greatest definition of a beautiful mess. You had empathy for me that I had always desired, a craving for attention that only you could provide. But that was far from the truth. In reality I was simply a mess. A lost soul searching for someone to provide comfort. And you were there for me and you told me you were fine with that. But in the end you went, just like the rest. I was left feeling completely alone again. A few weeks past and you didn’t hear from me. I know you were hurting just as much as I was, but we both loved each other in silence. Because in silence you find no rejection, and in silence no body owns you except me. Grief reunited you with what you had lost. I watched you go as far as you could with me, regretting the last few weeks we missed out on. The grief slowly goes away and I watch you adapt yourself back into reality, without me. And I accept that because what choice do I have. I’ve lost every power to control you. I see you cry, and you continue to cry because you don’t fully come back from where you went with me. A fragment broke of your beating heart that will never fully recover. And little things remind you of me. The smell of your covers when you lay there at night, wondering why the hell you let yourself get so close. The song that plays in the café we used to visit, a constant reminder that proves I will never go away. Each time you hear these things another part of your heart breaks. And it’s like you can’t feel yourself grieving anymore. You become ready to die. You walk to the edge of the building and tell yourself that you can’t go on anymore. And I blame myself for telling you to be happy. Because your reply would be that this is the only way you can be happy. The only way you can survive without me. But just remember, I am always behind you, ready to grieve but only when the time is right. And you realise you need to go on to see what is in store for you and why this world left you feeling so empty.
    Let me remind you of how we started. I didn’t mean to fall in love with you. You had a way of captivating every part of me, until I suffocated in your embrace. But that’s when I felt the most alive. I really didn’t want to fall for you. I remember you asked me have I ever been in love. At the time I shook my head and pretended this feeling was false, a part of my imagination. But now I understand why you asked me. Because love is horrible isn’t it? You open up your heart and let someone in, only for them to get inside and mess it up. You spent time building up your defences for one person, one stupid person, to come along and you give them a piece of you. You smiled at me, then kissed me and that was it. I was yours, and you were mine. I always told myself that before I was anybodies, I would be mine. But I guess love takes hostages. And we were its next victims. Love took everything I once was, everything I once knew. Eventually it left darkness inside me and we uttered those words, ‘lets just be friends.’ And god that hurt. No longer in my imagination but it ripped through me until I couldn’t breathe any longer. I want you to know this. In fact I need you to know this. When I drew my last breath, you were my last thought. In fact you had always been my last thought. When I shut my eyes at night I continued to dream of you, but this time I slept a little longer.
    I know this is hard but we must go on to that night. I never meant for you to find me. That pain that consumed you will haunt me forever. I remember the piercing sound of your scream as you fell to your knees. I left there hanging unable to comfort you. Why did you come so late? **** I needed you and you weren’t there. Now look. A lifeless corpse unable to apologise for taking up to much space on this planet. I sat there waiting for you, listening to my heartbeat and crying because I wish I didn’t have one. I remember laughing because when I was younger I would pretend to cry for my mother’s attention. The past year I’ve pretended to sleep so no body asked questions. Ironic isn’t it. How everything you once were doesn’t seem to matter any longer. But you mattered. I guessed I desired the thing that in the end would destroy me. You probably wonder what was going through my head in last few minuets, seconds even. I wasn’t scared. Because death is a dream for people like me. I knew deep down you loved me and that provided me with all the comfort I would ever need. I didn’t die crying, and I need you to understand that. I died loved. Isn’t that more then anyone can ever ask for?
    Last edited by Kirsty12; 12-02-2014 at 12:14 PM.

  2. #2
    Registered User Steven Hunley's Avatar
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    One thing you could do would be to consider how hard it is to read the way it's formatted. Separate your paragraphs, since the lines are hard to follow because they're so long. You have to take the back story and incorporate it into the story. As it is, it's just a fragment of what could be a good story. Give us a character, a setting, some dialogue. As it is it reads like internal dialogue anyway. Good start and I'm sure this piece will end up in the story.

  3. #3
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    The one difficulty when writing in the first person is avoiding starting too many sentence’s with I and You.
    The subject you have chosen is so, so familiar to forum readers i.e. broken relationships. It’s perfectly understandable because love, break-ups and unrequited love dominates our lives, especially when we are in our teens and twenties.
    The trouble is that it’s so difficult to write anything new on the subject. In order to involve the reader the writer has to establish the two personalities which is difficult to do when one is the narrator because we view the relationship through one pair of eyes.

    This is a very emotional piece and it certainly connects with the phrase you will hear again and again that ‘Writing must come from the heart’. Well to some extent yes, but the object is to establish a connection with the reader i.e. for the reader to have an emotional response to the piece.
    I try to handle very emotional writes with an undercurrent of emotion that runs through the text, its there but subdued because I feel this allows the reader’s to share more personally with what they are reading.
    There will rightly be others who will disagree because it’s solely up to you with what you take from critiques.

    Best of luck, Cari.

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