Silent Words (Decided to rewrite this one. It's short, but please read still, thanks)

[Move_Along91]

I had looked into her eyes when she told me to sit down. Wondering why, I tried to take deep breathes to keep myself calm. She looked at me trying to speak, but there had been nothing but silence streaming out of her mouth. Still, I sat waiting for Elaine’s lips to make some kind of a movement. She held my hands which had been shaking because her own had been possessed, enough to allow myself to realize how negative the thoughts were that she wanted to share. “What’s wrong, Elaine…” I said, with a concerned, desolate disposition.

Elaine moved closer to me, with the sides of our thighs now touching. She had laid her head down on my lap, and I could feel trickles of tears dampening my pants like there had been small puddles forming on my thigh. “I’m so sorry, Jason…” she cried, and the small puddles upon my lap began to fill up.

I didn't know what to think. The things torturing my mind caused me to want revenge against what she had done. Genuinely, I didn't understand the entire situation, so I had decided to try and let Elaine finish before I reacted in the manner played out in my head. I kept quiet and tried listening some more.

Elaine’s body contorted as her bones jerked, while she rested her head upon my lap with tears spreading into larger puddles. I had noticed how her breathing pattern accelerated since the start of it all; the breathing had been rapid, and for a moment, I thought she had an asthma attack. “Elaine!” I shouted, now with a different concern laid upon my face.
“I’m okay,” she replied. She had still been crying, but her body language, this time, had been much smoother.
“This thing you want to say to me, Elaine,” I said. “I’m scared of what you have to say…”
“I’m more scared to say it.” Elaine lifted up her head, which revealed a tremendous change. It had only been five minutes ago when she rested her head in shame, but from the look of her face, it seemed like more time had passed. Elaine’s eyes were bloodshot red, her makeup stained across her cheeks and nose, and the pain in her eyes said all it needed to say; Elaine had regretted what she had done.

I looked at the wreck that sat in front of me, knowing I needed to make a decision. “I--” she said.
“Elaine, please be quiet!” I shouted, in a frustrating tone.
“But--”

I had forced my finger across her moist lips, hinting to keep silent. I looked at Elaine, and with my own silent words, I had told her what had been on my mind. Her eyes began to scar with more tears, but this had been different than before. She laid her head across my warm chest, and I grasped my arms around her body to comfort her, while she rested upon me with the pain of the secret still within. “It was so stupid!” she said, and I placed my lips upon her forehead and kissed it, with hope for our future.

[Delta40]

If the sides of your thighs are touching I find it difficult to imagine Elaines head in your lap. She would be extremely cramped in this position. Visually the descriptors are out. Contorting body and jerking bones sounds like an epileptic seizure so I would suggest you be mindful of detail because she is resting her head at the same time creating puddles of tears. If you think about that, it all seems rather exaggerated. Far better that she lays her head on your lap, her body shudders with each passing wave of weeping as her tears flow into your pants. All I'm saying is the drama is maintained by keeping it simple.

It can be difficult to convey what we mean. Silence doesn't stream out of one's mouth because it gives an impression of talking but it may hang heavily in the air like a dark cloud for example. The silence was so thick I could slice through it with a knife etc. People often engage in halted conversation knowing full well there is something unsaid between them. The awkward silences become all consuming till somebody 'cracks' and then it all pours out. Sometimes the unspoken is called the elephant in the room so you have alot to work with really!

Play the descriptors down and cash in on the silence theme. What does silence feel like, look like, hear like yet despite all that, in this story, you prefer it.

Good luck.

[Pagano]

Delta40 did a pretty thorough job of recommending areas where it could improve. There's also a lot of passive voice in this, and while I don't usually mind, this could've benefited from an active voice.

That said, man, you did a very good job of describing this situation. Honestly, it hit me hard. I have a very similar experience to this. When your significant other comes to you with a confession like this, it's often in what isn't said. You also did a great job of, in the narrator's head, transitioning from the naive, worried, "Wondering why, I tried to take deep breathes to keep myself calm," all the way to physically shutting her up because he knew what it was. I'm willing to bet you probably have an experience like this. It's hard to convey if you don't, I'm sure.

So, yeah, while there of course is room to improve, you got the atmosphere and mindset down very well. Good job.

[Move_Along91]

Delta40 did a pretty thorough job of recommending areas where it could improve. There's also a lot of passive voice in this, and while I don't usually mind, this could've benefited from an active voice.

That said, man, you did a very good job of describing this situation. Honestly, it hit me hard. I have a very similar experience to this. When your significant other comes to you with a confession like this, it's often in what isn't said. You also did a great job of, in the narrator's head, transitioning from the naive, worried, "Wondering why, I tried to take deep breathes to keep myself calm," all the way to physically shutting her up because he knew what it was. I'm willing to bet you probably have an experience like this. It's hard to convey if you don't, I'm sure.

So, yeah, while there of course is room to improve, you got the atmosphere and mindset down very well. Good job.

I've been trying to improve for the best, and thank you. I know I can make the story even better from the criticism. Some places I can explain better, like the moving closer and their thighs touching (I need others to read to help me pick up on things like that). Guess in my head it went a lot smoother, but thanks a lot. Also, I have not had an experience exactly like Jason's, but it genuinely does describe a certain aspect of how I felt about someone who hurt me. I like playing around with morals that pertain to my own life because, of course, we'll always understand the story more.

[Move_Along91]

Thanks for the advice; I will use it for future writings. I understand I could have put it more simple, but I really wanted her body to communicate a very desolate state. I could have still painted that message if I had made it simpler. I'm still working on it, and I know I do try a bit hard to convey my thoughts. Again, thank you for the constructive criticism.

[DATo]

Greetings Move_Along91, .... Sorry it has taken me so long to chime in on this story.

The reader never learns with any degree of certainty what Elaine has done; nothing wrong with that, in fact, it adds an air of mystery to the piece and serves to direct the reader's attention to what is going on emotionally within the narrator. As I see it the central focus of this story is the transformation which takes place within the narrator. His first reaction suggests confusion and concern which is soon replaced by anger, and perhaps the desire for vengeance. His emotions arrive full-circle when he comes to understand that Elaine's devastation is the result of her concern for him, and his feelings. His anger is now supplanted by feelings of pity, understanding and love.

I have to agree with Delta. When you described their thighs touching and Elaine's head on his lap my first thought was, "NO WAY! SHE'D HAVE TO BE ONE OF THOSE CHINESE ACROBATS TO DO THAT!" I'm not making fun of you, but merely suggesting that when you write you must actually try to see, in your mind's eye, the scenes you are describing. This often helps a writer determine the viability of what he/she writes. Perhaps if Elaine had put her head on his shoulder and placed her hand on his chest ... try to imagine this scene in your mind .... the image you were trying to present would have been more believable, and a lot less awkward for Elaine *L*. There is also the question of Elaine puddling copious tears in the narrator's lap. If I were the narrator I think I would be a bit embarrassed to stand up ... all that puddling in the spot you describe would cause a casual observer to think the narrator had peed his pants. Once again, I am not mocking you, I am only trying to let you see that what you write, if not considered carefully, can affect the reader's perception and turn a dramatic scene into a comical one.

All things considered I think you got your point across in this story. The IDEA behind the story is what counts in my opinion - the message the writer is trying to deliver. You delivered it well, and with a bit of rewrite I think you could polish this story to a beautiful luster.

[AuntShecky]

When writers are advised to "avoid clichés," we're supposed to avoid tired old banal phrases but also shopworn situations as well. How many times have we read or more often viewed on various screens dramatic scenes such as this one? Perhaps the territory of troubled romantic relationships still has some unexplored footage, and it might be a better idea to stray off that worn-out path.

Take heed of the suggestions of previous commentators about the accuracy and plausibility of your descriptions.

Also, next time please skip a space between paragraphs, including and especially with each change of speaker.

Looking forward to reading more work from you. Take yours fooly's comments with the proverbial grain of salt.

Welcome to the NitLet.

Auntie

[Move_Along91]

Thank you for the advice, DATo. I highly respect your advice to the fullest. I do agree that I could have written it better. I do tend to try too hard at times with my writing, but I know I will take all of you guys' constructive criticism with me into my future works. Just like all of the criticism I've received from other members, I will use it productively. Again, thank you for your honesty.

[Move_Along91]

Thank you for your suggestions; this will help me out a lot. Good to get advice from someone who has been on this site for awhile.