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Thread: Table for One or Twelve

  1. #1
    Ruadh gu brath ampoule's Avatar
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    Table for One or Twelve

    The gray and rounded woman sat there,
    Relishing her chosen meal,
    Waiting for the satisfaction to make her feel real.

    The rowdy group walked in and sat,
    Talking, singing all the while,
    She joined in their laughter with her private smile.

    Silently she shared, 'It's time for me to go',
    Rising from her safety seat,
    They watched her make her quiet retreat.

    The revelers became subdued,
    Realizing each others need
    To remain together as friends, they all agreed.

    ampoule, October Sixteenth, TwoThousandFourteen
    I'm in love with The Vinegar Man and Mr. Tanner, but be careful, it could just as easily be you.

    "If you're going to write you better have somewhere to come from." Flannery O'Connor

  2. #2
    Inexplicably Undiscovered
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    Nice to see you back among us Nitletters, Little Light!

  3. #3
    Still, on a chalk plateau Bar22do's Avatar
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    loneliness is a heart hunter....
    a touching poem, ampoule

  4. #4
    The puddytat you saw Hawkman's Avatar
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    Hi ampule. There's lots in here to like, but I do have some observations. My principal concern is with rhythm. You begin each stanza with a strong rhythm which kind of sets up an expectation for its maintenance in the reader, but the last line of all but one stanza breaks it, and some of these lines are a little over extended.

    For example, S1L3 you might try "awaiting satisfaction, to make her feel real."

    S2L3, if she only smiles, she's not laughing, so hasn't really joined in. I'd therefore recommend both a tweak in meaning and rhythm here:

    "She complements their laughter with a private smile."

    The one problem I have with S3 is "safety seat," as the image is a little incongruous. Safety kind of puts a picture in my head of bars and straps to stop the occupant from falling out! I take it you are using it in the sense that the seat has become her private safe space as an outsider, a person excluded from the society of others for whatever reason. As Bar says, perhaps loneliness. Rather than go for alliteration, perhaps a more powerful, and less incongruous image, would be appropriate here; "fortress" might be better.

    The last verse has a tense and rhythm problem in L2. "Realising" is inappropriate in context as the poem is in past tense. "Realised each other's need" sorts it out. The rhythm of the last line is off again, and might be improved by changing it to:

    "To stay as friends, together, they all agreed".

    I feel my suggestions tighten the poem, but they are only suggestions. Nice to read you.

    Live and be well - H
    Last edited by Hawkman; 10-18-2014 at 04:29 PM.
    Oh no, not again...

  5. #5
    It wasn't me Jerrybaldy's Avatar
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    Hi ampoule. As Auntie said its good to see you back.I enjoyed your verse on loneliness and friendship. Hang around now you're back !!!
    Last edited by Jerrybaldy; 10-18-2014 at 03:05 PM.

    For those who believe,
    no explanation is necessary.
    For those who do not,
    none will suffice.

  6. #6
    Registered User Delta40's Avatar
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    Me too Ampoule. Loneliness nicely conveyed.
    The Rotten Apple Injures its Neighbour

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