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Thread: Honey

  1. #1
    It wasn't me Jerrybaldy's Avatar
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    Honey

    She was dripping in honey
    Golden globules
    From blood scabbed knees
    From the hem
    Of her poppy populated dress.
    The bees were a buzzing
    About her golden tears.
    Sweetness flowed from her shoulders
    Down to the cheeks
    Of her peach
    Her toes tapped a whispered tune
    In the puddle at her feet.
    Turned out
    It was out of date
    Like a sugar mouse with maggots.
    A beige rainbow
    An orgasm
    That never found its way
    A simile of something
    Like awful
    But I remember the honey
    It pooled about her feet
    And I believed
    That life itself was sweet.
    Last edited by Jerrybaldy; 10-15-2014 at 05:21 PM.

    For those who believe,
    no explanation is necessary.
    For those who do not,
    none will suffice.

  2. #2
    dark angel Haunted's Avatar
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    RIP. This is an exceptional piece, Jer. You deal with these difficult subjects like no one else.

    "But do you really, seriously, Major Scobie," Dr. Sykes asked, "believe in hell?"
    "Oh, yes, I do."
    "In flames and torment?"
    "Perhaps not quite that. They tell us it may be a permanent sense of loss."
    "That sort of hell wouldn't worry me," Fellowes said.
    "Perhaps you've never lost anything of importance," Scobie said.

  3. #3
    The puddytat you saw Hawkman's Avatar
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    This poem only has one tiny flaw and its in your word choice of clinging in L2. Clinging doesn't go with from. Things (or people) "cling to" something or someone; "hanging" might be better here, or just possibly, "depending".

    Apart from that, I'm more than impressed by this poem. The 'poppy populated dress" is one of my particular favourites, but it's all good. "Sweetness flowed from her shoulders" is so evocative, as is,

    "Her toes tapped a whispered tune
    In the puddle at her feet."

    The extended metaphor is beautifully realised and the last four lines round it off perfectly. It's a stunning poem JB. You are being particularly productive at the mo.

    Live and be well - H
    Oh no, not again...

  4. #4
    Maybe YesNo's Avatar
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    I liked the alliteration in "mousse with maggots", but I didn't know that maggots and mousse went together.

    The word "similie" should probably be "simile".

    I think the hidden message of this is, "Females are like sweet mousse with maggots giving males the illusion that life is sweet." Did I get it right?
    Don't forget the poetry contests at http://www.online-literature.com/for...s-amp-Contests

  5. #5
    Inexplicably Undiscovered
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    To paraphrase Estelle Reiner's immortal movie line, "I'll have what you're having."

  6. #6
    It wasn't me Jerrybaldy's Avatar
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    Thank you Haunted. RIP indeed..
    Hawk. Taken on board and changed. Thanks for your appreciation and suggestions.
    YesNo. It's a mouse not a mousse. A sugar mouse is a sweet here ( or candy depending on where you live) It's errmm a mouse made of sugar traditionally with a string tail to hold it by. The whole thing is just a metaphor for the sweetness of love and the bitterness of its demise. Thanks for commenting. I appreciate it.
    Thanks Auntie. I will have one with you.

    For those who believe,
    no explanation is necessary.
    For those who do not,
    none will suffice.

  7. #7
    Ruadh gu brath ampoule's Avatar
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    Drippingly sweet. I, too, liked the shoulder thing.
    I'm in love with The Vinegar Man and Mr. Tanner, but be careful, it could just as easily be you.

    "If you're going to write you better have somewhere to come from." Flannery O'Connor

  8. #8
    Still, on a chalk plateau Bar22do's Avatar
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    I only now read it. Honey is an amazing poem, J., the metaphor reads so spontaneous.
    Wanted to quote the best line, but they are all great, encompassed by the beige rainbow.
    Thanks J., Bar

  9. #9
    It wasn't me Jerrybaldy's Avatar
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    Thank you ampoule and Bar. Very happy to see you both return!! X

    For those who believe,
    no explanation is necessary.
    For those who do not,
    none will suffice.

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