Results 1 to 10 of 10

Thread: Room 312

  1. #1
    Registered User DATo's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2014
    Posts
    393

    Room 312

    Room 312

    by

    DATo


    Doctor Madeline Flemming walked casually toward the end of the hall. Her hands were buried deeply in the pockets of the immaculately white lab coat she wore. Doctor Flemming smiled and nodded to the police officer seated at the small table just outside the door of room 312 before entering. Standing at the foot of the only bed in the room was Nurse Prentice who was engaged in the act of filling statistics into small boxes on a form attached to a metal clipboard.

    "Let’s have a look at that Susan." said Doctor Flemming.

    Nurse Prentice handed the clipboard to Flemming who studied it carefully with a practiced eye.

    "Word travels fast around here Madie. Scuttlebutt is that you worked on this guy for four hours in surgery last night, that you almost lost him twice but refused to throw in the towel. What gives? The guy’s a sleezbag hoodlum. He shot a bank teller for Chrissake!"

    Susan Prentice’s familiarity with Doctor Flemming was the result of years of close association and personal friendship. She would never have dared to speak this way to any other doctor.

    "The Hippocratic Oath does not discriminate between heads of state or hoodlums Sue." replied Madeline Flemming.

    There was something in Doctor Flemming’s voice which advised Nurse Prentice to drop the subject. Flemming smiled as she handed the clipboard back to Susan for she too was aware of the curtness of her response.

    "I want to be beeped if there’s a change, any change at all, in his condition. Make sure that gets passed on to your relief shift, okay?"

    "Anything the finest neurosurgeon in Denver asks is my command." said Nurse Prentice as she quickly snapped to attention, bowed, and then saluted.

    Doctor Flemming laughed out loud. She then turned her gaze upon the man lying unconscious in the bed, her broad smile immediately lapsing into one of thoughtful meditation.

    In the weeks that followed, Donald Archer’s progress proved to be nothing short of miraculous owing in large part to the meticulous attention given to his convalescence by Doctor Madeline Flemming. There was an undercurrent of mild resentment by the hospital staff for the attention Flemming paid to this enemy of the people. An unholy hand already protected this dispenser of mayhem and grief. He had been once arrested and charged with the abduction, rape and murder of a twelve year old girl in Des Moines, Iowa. He had beaten that charge. A juror later confessed to the press that despite their frustration the state had failed to present enough evidence beyond doubt for all of the jurors to find Archer guilty.

    Donald Archer was aware that he had been handcuffed to a hospital bed, he had become restrained upon recovering consciousness, but was unaware of the circumstances which required this restraint for he had no memory of the events which had brought him to this state. He did not know that a policeman's bullet had grazed his head removing a part of his skull nearly killing him. The questions he posed to the hospital staff who entered the room to fulfill their duties were always met with a stony silence.

    He awoke in a daze once to find what appeared to be two doctors at the foot of his hospital bed, one was male and the other female. The female checked her watch and after saying something to the male doctor left the room. The male doctor noticed that Donald was awake.

    "Hey doc, what’s the deal? I can’t get anyone to talk to me in here. What am I doing here? What happened?" said Donald Archer.

    "Your memory will return in stages." said Doctor Phelps. "For now the most important thing is rest and the worst thing would be any form of mental stress. We have you on medication to keep your bood pressure down. Elevated blood pressure could easily cause an aneurism in your brain."

    "What’s with the bracelet?" said Archer as he nodded in the direction of the handcuff restraining his left wrist to the bedrail.

    "Ahh ... well ... let’s just say we don’t want you getting out of bed and falling to the floor." lied Doctor Phelps.

    "And who was the broad who was in here with you? Nice looking dame!"

    "That broad is the doctor who saved your life when you were brought in here. Her name is Madeline Flemming." said Doctor Phelps.

    "She comes in and sticks me every day. I thought she was a nurse." said Archer.

    "That’s a high blood pressure medication. Without it you would have probably already had a fatal stroke - that aneurism I was talking about. Normally you’re right, it would be done by a nurse, but you have become her special case so-to-speak."

    "Yeah, she’s been in here every day - just smiles at me and asks how I feel and then sticks me. She has a nice touch. I never feel it."

    "She just sticks, as you call it, an adaptor on the IV, not your arm."

    "Well I’ll be damned. What will they think of next? She’s a looker ain’t she doc? Best part of my day when she comes in here."

    A week later Doctor Flemming entered room 312 for the last time. It was the time of day when the police officer guarding the room was relieved by another and the two of them were flirting with a pretty nurse at the nurse’s island just down the hall. Doctor Flemming closed the door completely.

    "What’s up Doc? Ha - Haaaa! I always wanted to say that to a doctor. Whycome you stopped with the needle? You ain’t stuck me with the juice for a week now. Am I getting better?"

    Doctor Madeline Flemming smiled sweetly at her charge and replied, "Yes Don, you won’t be needing it anymore."

    Doctor Flemming took Archer’s wrist between her thumb and fingers and monitored his pulse. She then did something which pleasantly shocked Donald. She bent over him and kissed him on the cheek. Archer was too shocked to speak as Flemming’s other hand slowly crept beneath the blanket towards the foot of the bed. Archer’s breathing deepened as Flemming’s hand found what it was seeking and slowly began to massage. Donald’s eyes were closed as he luxuriated in the touch of Flemming’s hand. He was living in the moment and the moment was blissful. She continued to monitor his pulse as she began to speak.

    "Look at me Don." said Doctor Flemming softly.

    Donald opened his eyes to behold Flemmings pretty face close to his own.

    "My hair wasn’t always blonde Don. It was red once, back when I lived in Des Moines." said Flemming.

    "Her name was Teresa, Don. She had a cocker spaniel named Tibbet. Her favorite color was blue."

    Donald’s eyes grew large. Des Moines! Teresa Flemming! Madeline continued to monitor Archer’s pulse which was dangerously elevated.

    "You looked me in the face and smiled at me when you left the courtroom a free man, and I knew, I knew you had done it." Donald’s pulse rate was racing.

    "My head! My head! it hurts ... GOD IT HURTS !!!"

    "Yes, Donald, it hurts doesn’t it? My first impulse when I saw you in the trauma room was to let you die, but no, no, that wouldn't do. You were unconscious. I wanted you to be conscious. I wanted you to look at my face one more time."

    And then, while staring deeply into Donald's eyes, her face inches from his own, Madeline Flemming lowered the hand beneath the blanket slightly to grip something else and squeezed with all the strength she could bring to bear.

    Donald screamed. His head then arched back upon the pillow - his eyes bulging from his head, his mouth wide open, but silent.

    Doctor Madeline Flemming continued to monitor Donald’s pulse till she was satisfied and then stepped slowly to the room’s lavatory and emptied the syringe of medication into the toilet and flushed ... as she had done each day for the last week.




    /
    Last edited by DATo; 10-14-2014 at 10:24 AM. Reason: added the "What's up doc? ... couldn't resist

  2. #2
    Registered User 108 fountains's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2013
    Location
    Falls Church, Virginia
    Posts
    608
    Hi DATo,

    Spoiler Alert! Don’t read the comment below unless you’ve read the story first.

    When I saw your name as an author in the short stories forum, I expected a good, entertaining story and I wasn’t disappointed. I liked the dialogue in particular – very natural, I thought, especially the kind of reckless, New Jersey, 1950s style language coming from Donald. I also liked the way he met his demise – it would have been comical if not so serious.

    While I think it is good as is, there are a few things you might want to consider in any re-write. The mention of the murder case in Des Moines pretty much prepared me for what was about to happen (although that might be because I was already expecting a “twist ending” with you as the author). To lessen the “dead giveaway” effect of the mention of the Des Moines case, you might want to list some other, relatively less heinous crimes first in the same paragraph – for example, you might note that he had previously been convicted of possession of child porn and/or assault on a former girlfriend – so that the Des Moines case does not stand out quite so starkly. (You mention earlier that he had shot a bank teller, but that’s separated from the Des Moines mention by several paragraphs, so doesn’t really help.)

    Another thing is that it was a bit hard to swallow that Donald wouldn’t have recognized Doctor Flemming. You mention that she had changed the color of her hair, and that helps, but you might want to mention that a bit earlier in the story, which brings me to my final point…

    The story seemed a little bit rushed, as though you were in a hurry to get to the twist ending. I think it might be more effective to let it ferment a little first. It would be especially helpful to give us a paragraph or two of background on nurse Flemming – this would let the reader identify with her more and would also allow you to add in some clues for the surprise ending without giving it away, as well as provide reasons for Donald not recognizing her. For example, you could mention that she had moved to Denver after her divorce ten years earlier to begin a new life and had been successful – she had gone back to school to get a medical degree, lost 30 pounds, dyed her hair, taken to wearing contact lenses instead of glasses, and looked younger now at forty-two years old than she did ten years earlier.

    You might also want to prolong the dialogue a bit between Doctor Flemming and nurse Prentiss and between Donald and Dr. Phelps – it would move the mention of the Des Moines murder even further into the background, plus with your gift for dialogue, I’ll bet you could inject some humor or otherwise draw the reader in more and allow us a little more insight into the personalities of Doctor Fleming and Donald.

    But even without these changes, the story is first-rate and entertaining. I hope you don’t wait so long in posting the next one.
    Last edited by 108 fountains; 10-14-2014 at 02:01 PM.
    A just conception of life is too large a thing to grasp during the short interval of passing through it.
    Thomas Hardy

  3. #3
    Registered User DATo's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2014
    Posts
    393
    ***WARNING - CONTAINS SPOILERS TO THE STORY***

    Howdy 108 !

    I just KNEW you'd figure it out ... I swear! Even as I was writing it I knew that those who know my writing quirks would key on certain things in the story which would topple all my dominoes before I even got them set up. *LOL*

    The whole thing with Flemming and the kiss on the cheek and what followed was designed to be a red herring suggesting to the reader a vague intimation that there was some sort of previous romantic involvement between Flemming and Archer which Archer didn't remember. This was put in to neutralize the "city" paragraph. I can see now that it didn't work too well in your case .... DRAT !!!! *+1 LOL*

    As far as recognizing Flemming: I was banking on the reader remembering that Archer's memory was messed up. I think that would make a viable logic defense in itself, reinforced with the changed hair color.

    You're right, the story was a bit rushed. My last few stories have been very long and I didn't want to tax the reader's patience with this one any more than I had to in terms of length. It was written in one sitting this morning and took about an hour though I admit that I've had the premise floating around in my mind for a couple of weeks now.

    The original idea was for Archer to have killed a cop with many witnesses present. The reason he got off from killing the daughter in this version was that there were no witnesses. Flemming saves him knowing he will get a capital punishment sentence and she want's to be in the court to smile at him as he did to her when the sentence is handed down. Somewhere in writing it this morning my mind went off on a different tangent and I came up with the premise you've read instead.

    The actual method used by Flemming to murder Archer was intended to be both humorous as well as appropriate to the manner in which her daughter died, and soberly original ... I don't think I'VE ever read of a murder being committed this way before, have you???¿¿¿ *LOLOLOLOLOL* .... and to sweeten the pie ... it is untraceable.

    Thanks for your comments and critique 108. I always take what you suggest seriously.

  4. #4
    Inexplicably Undiscovered
    Join Date
    Jun 2007
    Location
    next door to the lady in the vinegar bottle
    Posts
    5,089
    Blog Entries
    72
    The ending was somewhat unexpected, given the opening passages showing the lady doctor as a non-discriminatory Goody Two-Shoes.

    I don't necessarily agree that the info should be expanded; if anything, there might be a little TMI. My initial impression is that the prose, though serviceable, is linear and workmanlike.

    As I commented several times on your previous works, I think you can run on more cylinders. In other words, you have the ability to be literary, rather than merely literal. Don't be afraid to take a risk.

    Always interested in seeing your posts, DATo!

  5. #5
    Registered User DATo's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2014
    Posts
    393
    Greetings Auntie!

    Glad you stopped by. I think both you and 108 fountains have convinced me that perhaps there was a bit of TMI. I will try to explain my intentions below by using the conversation between Dr. Phelps and Archer as an example.

    FIRST ISSUE

    1) The very dialogue between Archer and Dr. Phelps, though perhaps tedious on the surface, serves to give the reader a sense of Archer's personality and flippant attitude. The reader is given a taste of Archer's coarse and insipid personality. Result - the reader is further encouraged not to sympathize with Archer.

    2) In this same apparently unnecessary conversation Phelps informs the reader through his discussion with Archer of the danger to Archer if his blood pressure is exacerbated. The reader would not know this without the conversation which is taking place. The reader is made aware of Archer's delicate state of health despite his boisterous attitude, and more specifically of the danger to his life which would occur if his blood pressure were to become elevated.

    3) The reader is also informed in the same conversation that it is Flemming, herself, who is administering the medication vital to Archer's survival, and also informing the reader of the vital role played by the medication Flemming administers. The reader would ordinarily balk at the idea of a famed neurosurgeon doing something so banal as giving daily injections - a practice which would most certainly be carried out by nurses, not doctors - but Phelps declares Archer to be her "special case" thus mitigating the reader's first impression of a plot hole.

    4) We are also made to understand that Flemming is an attractive woman, or, at least considered so by Archer. The fact that Archer considers Flemming to be a very attractive woman supports Archer's enthusiastic acceptance of Flemming's later "attentions".

    The four items listed above which all take place within the context of one conversation are essential to the reader's understanding of what is going on beyond the reader's purview, and also serve to lay the groundwork for what is to come. I don't know how I could have otherwise passed on this information without the conversation. I have found in my own reading that some things that APPEAR to be "filler material" which is not essential to a story can sometimes be very essential to the reader's comprehension of the what's, and whys, and hows of what transpires later in the story. Craftsmanship is required on the part of the writer when attempting to subtly introduce information in a manner which appears seamless. A good writer is one, I would think, who has an ability to present information in a manner which is absorbed by the reader almost subliminal to the readers awareness. Though this is my goal when writing, I am aware that I do not always succeed.

    SECOND ISSUE

    As I commented several times on your previous works, I think you can run on more cylinders. In other words, you have the ability to be literary, rather than merely literal. Don't be afraid to take a risk.

    I don't know what you mean Auntie, and I really DO want to know. I sense strongly and intuitively that you are on to something here which is extremely important to the improvement of my writing style and I honestly would like to understand it better. I consider Story and Style to be the two essential ingredients to a well written story so I am profoundly interested in hearing an expansion of your thoughts on this matter. Could you please elaborate?

    As always, thanks so much for your reply.

  6. #6
    Inexplicably Undiscovered
    Join Date
    Jun 2007
    Location
    next door to the lady in the vinegar bottle
    Posts
    5,089
    Blog Entries
    72
    I don't know what you mean Auntie, and I really DO want to know. I sense strongly and intuitively that you are on to something here which is extremely important to the improvement of my writing style and I honestly would like to understand it better. I consider Story and Style to be the two essential ingredients to a well written story so I am profoundly interested in hearing an expansion of your thoughts on this matter. Could you please elaborate?
    What I mean is a sense that you are unconsciously holding yourself back, that there is a certain restraint in your writing. Nothing is intrinsically "wrong" with your work, except that it is linear, literal, and limited. It seems stuck somehow in the type of stories found in the oldSaturday Evening Post (or for that matter Reader's Digest: entertaining, "interesting," but that's about as far as they go. Whenever I read some pieces, I might say, "Nice story," and instantly forget it. I want to read something memorable. Life-changing. You want to write something the likes of which the world has never before seen. Don't worry about pleasing or even satisfying the reader. (As a matter of fact, it would be better to piss her off.) But the reader's reaction is nothing; the work itself, everything. No matter how painful the process, reach down deep into your very soul. Then express, express, express. It's risky, but as John Ciardi famously said, "Fail gloriously." Don't be satisfied with being merely competent. When my sister tells me that my humorous ditties are "clever," I cringe inside, you know?

    Americans pride themselves on the good old fashioned virtue of Earnestness. In the workplace and in our interactions with family, friends, and neighbors it's always wise to be up-front. But in art there's actually a danger of being too sincere. Your stories carefully include material which you're afraid the reader will miss, as what appears to be most important is that we Get the Point. In modern literature, the point is- well, beside the point. What matters is charging up the language to the fullest, questioning the safe assumptions and pat answers of the status quo, and responding to the human condition in the way that you -- and only you--can. It's okay to be serious, but you can be serious and still play. Take risks!

    As an example, listen to a great jazz singer like Ella, compared to say, the Lennon Sisters. Instead of singing
    right on the beat (like the way Republican women clap along with a song), tilt it off the beat.
    It's the difference between a Picasso painting and the mass-produced Thomas Kinkaid figurines advertised in the Sunday papers: "art" as opposed to catering to the taste of the middle class.

    Bottom line: what I'd like to see is for your writing to escape the realm of "mid-cult" and take a few steps closer to literature. I wouldn't say this if I didn't think you were capable of stretching out, ratcheting the dial up to "eleven."

    I wish yours fooly could practice what I preacheth. But it's a goal both of us should shoot for. Otherwise, why bother to write?

    EDIT-- 10/21/14:
    I wish to heaven I hadn't used the word "restraint." See Reply #8 below.
    Last edited by AuntShecky; 10-21-2014 at 12:13 AM.

  7. #7
    Registered User DATo's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2014
    Posts
    393
    Auntie,

    Thanks so much for the pointers. I'd like to discuss this with you at greater length. I've left a PM for you with a request for some additional advice and help. I think you are on to something important and I am very excited about the prospect of examining the suggestions you've pointed out in greater detail.

  8. #8
    Inexplicably Undiscovered
    Join Date
    Jun 2007
    Location
    next door to the lady in the vinegar bottle
    Posts
    5,089
    Blog Entries
    72
    I wish I hadn't used the word "restraint." But that's the word you latched onto. Please allow me to clarify.

    I meant something along the lines of "conventional" or "safe" or "mainstream."

    Actually, a little restraint is good: restraint against overt explanation, restraint against telling as opposed to showing, restraint against old-fashioned fiction, restraint against spelling things out and displaying blatant "emotion," and restraint against the status quo.

    Funny thing when I clicked on this thread I saw a big Google ad atop the page promoting "Humane restraints." Oy!

  9. #9
    MANICHAEAN MANICHAEAN's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2009
    Location
    Vietnam, Singapore, Japan, The Middle East, UK, The Philippines & Papua New Guinea.
    Posts
    2,858
    Blog Entries
    1
    I read it DATo and I enjoyed it.

    Snappy, well contrived, and a touch of Raymond Chandler in there, apart from the latter’s penchant for exhaustively describing furniture and decor.

    I’m not going to get into the fog about individual creative writing as we are all very much fellow travellers on that journey. However, like yourself, I always appreciate and never, never under-estimate the incisiveness of Auntys advice.

    Don’t you invariably find, that the short stories one can get down quickly are so much more enjoyable to write than the pot boilers? An idea germinates, apparently from nowhere, (though in my case if truth be told, on a late night bar stool contemplating past loves), it ferments overnight in a subconscious labyrinth, gets turned over gently at morning coffee, then has to be written at high speed in that private world we choose as our domain.

    Best regards
    M
    Last edited by MANICHAEAN; 10-21-2014 at 04:35 AM.

  10. #10
    Registered User DATo's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2014
    Posts
    393
    You are always so kind in your critiques MANICHAEN. Thank you!

    Yes, you're right. I tend to just let it flow when I am writing and let my muse guide my fingers on the keyboard. I think I could do better if I planned and edited more but then it would become work instead of fun. The one thing I've written that I'm proudest of is Werewolf. I really bore down on that one. Another that I worked hard on was The Wisdom Of Herr Hoffmann but I think I flubbed the ending a bit on that one and I'm not totally satisfied with it.

    This one was just a romp in the literary play ground for fun, but I'm happy to learn that someone still appreciated it.

    Thanks again.

    EDIT
    I am still monitoring your latest effort with interest. Can't wait to find out the details regarding what happened to The Texan.
    Last edited by DATo; 10-21-2014 at 06:21 AM.

Similar Threads

  1. Room 101
    By Belifilisk in forum Orwell, George
    Replies: 1
    Last Post: 11-21-2012, 11:58 AM
  2. Room 101.
    By The Atheist in forum 1984
    Replies: 32
    Last Post: 11-21-2012, 07:38 AM
  3. Room 101
    By BizzyBee in forum 1984
    Replies: 2
    Last Post: 11-29-2011, 10:00 PM
  4. Their room?
    By benfica14 in forum 1984
    Replies: 8
    Last Post: 11-22-2008, 09:11 PM
  5. Room 101
    By wrestler145 in forum 1984
    Replies: 13
    Last Post: 12-07-2007, 02:45 AM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •