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Thread: Skyscraping

  1. #1
    Registered User DieterM's Avatar
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    Skyscraping

    she wandered on the shores
    of the deep deep lake

    mirror waters
    and a high high mountain range
    swimming backwards, lazily

    under her feet, dead leaves,
    rustling like maracas,
    reminding her of Rio
    and the thirteen Samba lessons
    she had taken back in ‘62

    that’s all there is,
    she thought:
    lake, mountain, trees,
    all passionate,
    yellow, red, and orange,
    and a blue autumn vault

    she stretched out an arm,
    scratched the sky with the diamond
    of her wedding ring,
    and through the crack, she saw
    stars, and black,
    and more memories,
    undead and sore
    "Im Arm der Liebe schliefen wir selig ein…" ("Liebesode" - Otto Erich Hartleben)
    New poetry collection available (Kindle and paperback)

  2. #2
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    Hi Dieter.. Glad to see you so productive. This is a nice narrative, but as it stands, it's rather prosaic. Cut phrases like "she thought" its the poet's voice intruding as an omniscient 3rd party narrator. This poem needs to be more immediate. I'm not keen on the first stanza break either.

    Likewise I don't think we need "under her feet" and to function poetically I'd prefer the description "maraca leaves", metaphor is stronger than simile. Maybe keep in present tense throughout... not keen on "crack" coming after scratched, "tear" might be better here. Cut the "she saw".

    generally there's good material here but it needs tightening up.

    Live and be well - H
    Last edited by Hawkman; 10-10-2014 at 10:39 AM.

  3. #3
    Registered User DieterM's Avatar
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    Thanks Hawkman. As always, very good advice. I knew the poem was a tad too prosaic when posting but didn't find the right way to put the pieces together in a better way. Here's a second attempt:

    wandering along the shore
    of the deep deep lake
    mirror waters
    a high mountain range
    swimming backwards, lazily

    maraca leaves reminding me
    of Rio and the thirteen Samba lessons
    I’ve taken back in ‘62

    that’s all there is:
    lake, mountain, trees,
    all passionate,
    yellow, red, and orange,
    and a blue autumn vault

    I stretch out my arm,
    scratch the sky with the diamond
    of my wedding ring,
    and stars show through the tear,
    stars, and black,
    and more memories,
    undead and sore
    "Im Arm der Liebe schliefen wir selig ein…" ("Liebesode" - Otto Erich Hartleben)
    New poetry collection available (Kindle and paperback)

  4. #4
    Maybe YesNo's Avatar
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    I liked the idea of her scratching the sky with her diamond ring allowing her to see more. Some of the memories, I assume, would be pleasant and not sore.

  5. #5
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    Hi Dieter, that's an improvement, but it's not quite there yet.

    The first verse now reads a little oddly, as though the high mountain range is wandering along the shore. Poetic? Perhaps, but incongruous. I'd just cut the "wandering" and the "of" at the beginning of L2. I think it would be nice to try and maintain the five line stanzas throughout, if you can. Maybe S2:

    "maraca leaves
    reminding me of Rio
    and the thirteen
    samba lessons
    taken back in '62"

    you don't need the I've, which in any case should be I'd.

    S3 is fine but the last stanza is still a little flawed. try:

    "I scratch the sky with the diamond
    of my wedding ring,
    and through the tear,
    stars, black, and more memories,
    undead and sore."

    You'd repeated stars in consecutive lines and though there was nothing intrinsically wrong with stretching out your arm, it wasn't really necessary. Omitting it allows you to maintain the five-line stanzas.

    Like this, it's a keeper I think.

    Live and be well - H

  6. #6
    a dark soul Haunted's Avatar
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    I found this to be quite poetic actually — it's poetic in thoughts, and "memories / undead and sore" is quite an imagery in itself. I like the original a lot, the revise just didn't quite have the same effect for me. It's good to come back and be greeted with works such as this.

    "But do you really, seriously, Major Scobie," Dr. Sykes asked, "believe in hell?"
    "Oh, yes, I do."
    "In flames and torment?"
    "Perhaps not quite that. They tell us it may be a permanent sense of loss."
    "That sort of hell wouldn't worry me," Fellowes said.
    "Perhaps you've never lost anything of importance," Scobie said.

  7. #7
    Registered User DieterM's Avatar
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    Aw, thankie, YesNo, Hawkman and Haunted! This poem will sleep now for a while until I come back and comb its hair again :-)
    "Im Arm der Liebe schliefen wir selig ein…" ("Liebesode" - Otto Erich Hartleben)
    New poetry collection available (Kindle and paperback)

  8. #8
    Inexplicably Undiscovered
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    I almost forgot to mention that the pun-- "scraping the sky"-- is quite clever!


    You can bring this one up to a whole new level by playing around with the rhythm, the inklings of which appear in the repetition of "deep" and "high." Go to YouTube or some free music site and listen to some sambas (Jobin, Stan Getz, etc.) and see if you can reset the lines of this verse to a samba-like rhythm.

  9. #9
    Ruadh gu brath ampoule's Avatar
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    I rather liked it the way it was first presented.
    I'm in love with The Vinegar Man and Mr. Tanner, but be careful, it could just as easily be you.

    "If you're going to write you better have somewhere to come from." Flannery O'Connor

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