Echo of Pain

[Move_Along91]

I'm an beginning writer, so give me feedback, please. Enjoy.
We sat down together, and I was glaring with startling eyes into her soft, watering eyes.
“Hey, babe. You, okay?” I said, with a concerned disposition, sitting on the couch, and my nerves trying to sit comfortably as well.
“I…have to tell you something, Jason.” she said, her demeanor soft and compassionate like the emotions in her eyes.
“I’m listening, babe. What is it?” Lea moves closer to me, her body touching mine as she grasps my left hand with her hands. She stares for a few seconds, and I can tell how hard her brain’s thinking at the moment; it was the kind of pause where she wanted her mind to collect the thoughts perfectly because what she was about to say was that significant, a life or death situation, and she only had one chance to say it right.
Only, the things torturing her mind didn’t need to be said because I had already figured it out for myself. As I looked into Lea’s eyes and studied them, it was simple to realize what she had done. The black shame of infidelity communicated itself to me, and now, she knew I knew, and all from the sole words from the feeling I felt in her eyes.
A single tear shed a scar across Lea’s right cheek, while the other eye mimicked shortly. I could see the pain, even through the silence she showed before the flooding of the tears. I was hurt, battered in the inside, as my heart rate grew like the sadness and temptation in my mind, not fully recognizing the brutal, evil acts she had committed against our own commitment.
All we could do was look. I loosened my trusting hand to release our lock that had once felt secure, but now, whatever she had done, she would regret forever, I believed.
I thought of the times we had spent together, and was ready to say goodbye to Lea for good because, surely, there would be no reconstruction that would be able to allow me to give her my undivided trust and love again.
The thoughts infiltrating my mind were paradoxical in nature, yet there was a little more of my heart that felt the need to make Lea’s life the darkest I could possibly make out of it; but maybe this was the built up rage of her infidelities urging me to react in the manner I knew I genuinely didn’t want to act, and, either way, I needed some time to think about this. Let along, I needed to hear Lea’s mistake to fully understand the situation at hand. Maybe, it isn’t the worse circumstance the desolate portion of my mind is reeling in and playing for me this very moment.
I look at Lea, trying to find the courage inside of myself to ask about the deeds she had done. Parts of me wanting to runaway from this all because what if I can’t handle the secrets she knows? “So, what’d you do, Lea?” I asked, and the sharpest pain, I swear, I could feel penetrating the crack in my heart. When I asked her what had happened, I was on the verge of scarring my own face with my own tears, a scar that had matched the injury I felt in the inside.
Lea wiped away the never-ending flow of water pouring out of her eyes, which poured out like the water from a pale onto a garden of dying flowers, knowing there was nothing that could be done to save them at all, but hoping there was still room for hope.
A cold breeze was settling in the room as I patiently waited for Lea to give me the reason for the betrayal, and just like before, I could here an echo of silence vibrate throughout our home, until, finally, she began to speak her first words, the dreadful ones I still wasn’t ready for. “I’m so-sorry, Jason…” she said, as she took held of my left hand; the tears she had cleansed off of her face were spread across my own, which was shaking with Lea’s own hand, and from this vibration I could genuinely feel the pain she was also going through. I had already saw it in her eyes and from the many tears she shed, but the feeling of the movements of her hand were extravagant, and they shook and jerked as though she had lost the right to pilot her own body freely.
“Calm, down, babe…” I said. She was contorted on my lap with her head bowed down as if she were praying that I would forgive her. She cried, and she cried some more. “I’m so-rr-y!” she yelled, screamed, and shouted.
“It’s okay, Lea, babe… Just tell me what happened, okay?” It took awhile for Lea to recover from crying, and soon my thighs began to drench in tears, where her face stayed for a bit longer. “Take deep breathes…” I said, and I thought of taking my own advice at the moment. I did.

Now, she was ready to tell it all.

“What I did--” she looked at me, and the only thing on my mind is how her looks have deceived me. Never would I have thought Lea would go behind my back and get herself tied up with another man other than myself. I looked back at her, my eyes fully scarred with the pain that had been lingering for so long; yet these tears were not the sole tears of suffering, pain, or hate, but in the tears I felt some sort of forgiveness for Lea, and, all of a sudden, a tremendous percentage of myself had wanted to work things out, no matter what Lea was about to share with me in this moment; all I know is that I Love Lea.
Lea begins again, and I raise my right hand. My finger makes its way towards her shiny, soft lips, motioning for her to be silent, but in a different way than before. In this echo of silence, there is no sound of pain but a moment for forgiveness. “It was a stupid mistake, Jason!” she said, with a slight chuckle and mild smile on her disposition. I returned the smile with a chuckle of my own, and pulled her close to my side, meeting my lips with hers.

[nicksherman9]

Though, I think the writing is pretty good at times, he seems to forgive her WAY too quickly. This makes the story seem unrealistic and a bit anticlimactic, in my opinion. Like I stated, the writing's not bad, but the story itself needs work. Best of luck.

[Move_Along91]

Yeah, I thought about that when I had written it; it was supposed to be that he wasn't supposed to forgive her, but he genuinely understood the mistake she had made. I thought it would display a different meaning than he just forgave her too quickly, and by recognizing how traumatized she was, he could genuinely understand how much she cared and regretted the mistake made, but thanks for the critique because I know I could have made it better and guess it didn't work how I planned it to work, thanks.

[Move_Along91]

Yeah, I thought about that when I had written it; it was supposed to be that he wasn't supposed to forgive her, but he genuinely understood the mistake she had made. I thought it would display a different meaning than he just forgave her too quickly, and by recognizing how traumatized she was, he could genuinely understand how much she cared and regretted the mistake made, but thanks for the critique because I know I could have made it better and guess it didn't work how I planned it to work, thanks.

[108 fountains]

It's a good effort, especially for - as you say - "a beginning writer." THe idea for the story is persuasive and the telling of it unfolds realistically. But I think you may have tried too hard - you are a little overly descriptive, with a few too many adjectives - in trying to convey the emotion of the characters. I think it would be more effective if you allowed the dialogue itself convey the emotions and limit the descriptions to support the dialogue.

For example, at the very beginning you have, "I was glaring with startling eyes into her soft, watering eyes." Why not just say something like, "I glared into her tear-filled eyes"? Later, you have, "A single tear shed a scar across Lea’s right cheek, while the other eye mimicked shortly." That's a nice image that would be more powerful if made shorter, like, "A single tear traced a scar across her cheek."
Just a couple more examples: "I was hurt, battered in the inside, as my heart rate grew like the sadness and temptation in my mind, not fully recognizing the brutal, evil acts she had committed against our own commitment." -- There are just too many unnecessary words. Maybe replace this sentence with something like "I was hurt and felt battered inside from the acts she had committed against our own commitment."
And, "The thoughts infiltrating my mind were paradoxical in nature, yet there was a little more of my heart that felt the need to make Lea’s life the darkest I could possibly make out of it; but maybe this was the built up rage of her infidelities urging me to react in the manner I knew I genuinely didn’t want to act and, either way, I needed some time to think about this." --this could be shortened to somethikng like, "My emotions were in conflict. Passion and rage called for revenge; reason and compassion called for patience."

Anyway, you get the idea. I would try to make my sentences shorter, cut out the unnecessary description, and focus more on the dialogue.

[Move_Along91]

It's a good effort, especially for - as you say - "a beginning writer." THe idea for the story is persuasive and the telling of it unfolds realistically. But I think you may have tried too hard - you are a little overly descriptive, with a few too many adjectives - in trying to convey the emotion of the characters. I think it would be more effective if you allowed the dialogue itself convey the emotions and limit the descriptions to support the dialogue.

For example, at the very beginning you have, "I was glaring with startling eyes into her soft, watering eyes." Why not just say something like, "I glared into her tear-filled eyes"? Later, you have, "A single tear shed a scar across Lea’s right cheek, while the other eye mimicked shortly." That's a nice image that would be more powerful if made shorter, like, "A single tear traced a scar across her cheek."
Just a couple more examples: "I was hurt, battered in the inside, as my heart rate grew like the sadness and temptation in my mind, not fully recognizing the brutal, evil acts she had committed against our own commitment." -- There are just too many unnecessary words. Maybe replace this sentence with something like "I was hurt and felt battered inside from the acts she had committed against our own commitment."
And, "The thoughts infiltrating my mind were paradoxical in nature, yet there was a little more of my heart that felt the need to make Lea’s life the darkest I could possibly make out of it; but maybe this was the built up rage of her infidelities urging me to react in the manner I knew I genuinely didn’t want to act and, either way, I needed some time to think about this." --this could be shortened to somethikng like, "My emotions were in conflict. Passion and rage called for revenge; reason and compassion called for patience."

Anyway, you get the idea. I would try to make my sentences shorter, cut out the unnecessary description, and focus more on the dialogue.

Again, thanks for the feedback 108 Fountains. I guess I feel to describe the story the way I do because I want it to stick out to the reader. I can see that I can take out some words that I do not need to tell my story. These are good points you have made, and I know it would be good to use your input to help with my style of writing. I will use this, thanks.

[YesNo]

I liked the way you said that the narrator figured it out without Lea telling him. The reader however was told too much. It would be nice to know more about how all this happened.

[Move_Along91]

Thank you for the reply, and I have found out numerous things about my writing already from this site, which I am very grateful to hear about from all of you here on this forum. Hopefully, you will critique more of my postings. I strive to be great, so thank you again. You will see another post XD