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Thread: The Killer

  1. #1
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    Sep 2014
    Bemidji, MN

    The Killer

    The Killer

    It was… enjoyable. No matter how much he wanted to dismiss that thought it just wouldn't go away. He enjoyed it, even though he knew it was wrong.

    1:12 am Tuesday, August 6th 2010

    Blood and lots of it, sometimes you forget just how fragile the human body really is. It was pathetic really, most of them went down with only one bullet. He clutched the suppressed P226 in his hand, surveying the scene. There was only supposed to be three of them but instead there turned out to be seven. If he had counted right there should only be four rounds left in the twelve round clip. Probably best to reload, just in case. Stepping over the bodies as he proceeded down the dark cramped alley way he noticed movement. It was just around the corner and there was no mistaking it, someone was trying to hide. Perhaps they had seen the slaughter and decided to cower rather than fight. What a pain he thought, he made a mental note to beat the **** out of that informant after this was finished, just how many more of these bastards were there.
    As he approached the end of the alley a faint whimpering could be heard, no doubt coming from behind the large metal dumpster to his right. The one hiding must have realized it was pointless.
    “ plea please sir, you don’t have to kill me! I’m unarmed.” Said the cowering figure still hiding behind the dumpster.

    The killer said nothing, his smile was message enough, and he wasn't letting anyone live.

    He was annoyed at the sound, even with a suppressor his weapon still made a decent amount of noise, especially when the two bullets passed through the dumpster making a loud thwacking sound. Red crimson started to spill out from underneath as he moved on.

    Walking approximately 200 ft. from the dumpster he finally found the end. There were so many little nooks and crannies in these compressed neighborhoods of Baku that he almost had trouble locating it. A small red door tucked away in between two buildings. This should be easy, just a simple clean-out. All the lookouts were dead, now he just needed to eliminate the rest. None of the men he had killed had the chance to fire their weapons, if they had the noise would have surely alerted the surrounding area. Hoping that whoever was inside hadn't heard any of the commotion outside, he knocked on the door. Someone on the other side opened it slightly and said,

    “What is it Farid?”

    The killer almost laughed before he put a bullet through the door keepers head, He expected he would have to force his way in but the door was wide open as the militant fell to the ground. These guys didn't even take any precautions he thought as he stepped inside the room. Hearing the noise somebody came around the corner but was met with three bullets piercing straight through the wall, killing them instantly. The killer moved on, stepping over the two bodies, if there was anyone else inside this place they were definitely aware of his presence now. It was small, there was a kitchen to his left where the second man had come and two doors to his right, closed. Deciding to make this fast he quickly kicked down the first door firing two bullets at the figure inside, one to the head, the other to the neck. The man he had just killed was old and didn't seem to have a weapon, the killer didn't put much thought to it, thinking “oh well” and moving on to the next room. Before he had the chance to kick the door down he was met with a barrage of gunfire and bullet holes. Whoever was inside was desperate, firing through the walls with an automatic hoping the kill the assailant, but to no avail. After the gunfire ceased the killer kicked the door down, storming in. His mind was quick and instead of killing the man who had his arms raised, a clear declaration of surrender, he instead put two bullets in the insurgent’s legs. The man cried out in pain as he fell to the floor, bleeding profusely. Unlike his other victims, the killer got a good look at this one. They looked about the same age, 30 maybe. That was all the killer really took in, the man’s age, nothing else mattered. The man had tears in his eyes, pleading not to be killed.

    “Another coward.” The killer said as he lazily raised his gun to the man’s head and fired.

    1:23 am Tuesday, August 6th 2010
    The killer exited the insurgent safe house and took a deep breath of the cool night air. It was foul, and the sky was filled with smog. Azerbaijan wasn't the nicest of places, but for whatever reason he liked it here. It was more chaotic than other counties, and not only that but his superiors didn't even mind if he went overkill sometimes.
    Last edited by Space Lion; 09-30-2014 at 12:37 PM.

  2. #2
    Registered User 108 fountains's Avatar
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    Apr 2013
    Falls Church, Virginia
    Well, there is lots of blood and gore. The writing itself is good. There is a structure, but there is more action than actual plot (similar to many of today’s popular movies). The message comes up front – “He enjoyed it, even though he knew it was wrong.” The rest of the story then goes on to detail the “it.” It would probably be more effective to begin the story with “1:12 a.m. Tuesday…” and move the message, the “It was… enjoyable…” paragraph to the very end, combining it with what you have already at the end.

    You have two things going on here – 1) the detailing of the killings, which is done well, vividly painting a grim and grisly scene, and 2) the part about the character enjoying what he does even though he knows it’s wrong. That is where the piece falters. The reader will want to know “why” – or at least will want to know a little bit more about the character to be better able to draw his own conclusions. I drew the conclusion he was a mercenary from the passage “…Azerbaijan wasn't the nicest of places, but for whatever reason he liked it here. It was more chaotic than other counties…” and from the mention that he had "superiors," but other than that the reader knows nothing about the character.

    As it is, the piece is more of a vignette than a story. It’s ok as far as delivering the blood and the action, but it’s really not enough just to paint grisly scenes and hope that the shock value is enough to capture a reader’s interest. I’m not saying to cut out the fighting and the blood, but if you want to hold a reader’s interest, you’ll need to let the reader get more of a glimpse inside the killer’s mind because that’s where the real action is.
    A just conception of life is too large a thing to grasp during the short interval of passing through it.
    Thomas Hardy

  3. #3
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    Sep 2014
    Bemidji, MN
    I really appreciate the reply and I will definitely take your advice. All in all this being my first short story it was kind of like a test run, I just quickly wrote up something in the dead of night to see if I was any good. The next one will hopefully have a little more to it. Thanks again!

  4. #4
    Registered User Calidore's Avatar
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    Mar 2011
    Quote Originally Posted by Space Lion View Post
    All in all this being my first short story it was kind of like a test run, I just quickly wrote up something in the dead of night to see if I was any good.
    Just some food for thought: You find out if you're any good at something by putting real effort into it. Quickly writing something up in the dead of night will not tell if you're good at writing, just like a single at-bat will not show you whether you're good at baseball. Next time, post the best you can do instead of the least you can do.
    You must be the change you wish to see in the world. -- Mahatma Gandhi

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