ARE YOU WEARING GROWNUP CLOTHES?
Are you wearing grownup clothes?
No! My youth is not done
Growing up is for trees
I’ll stay young and have fun
DON’T SEE GROWING OLD AS A NEGATIVE
Don’t see growing old as a negative
Ageing is like fine wine so
It gets better with age,
But you’ve got some way to go
ON THE QUESTION OF INDEPENDENCE
On the question of independence
This is what I truly believe
The people of England, really
Don’t care if Scotland leave
MY WIFE WAS BEING A DRAMA QUEEN
My wife was being a drama queen and said
"I feel like jumping in front of a bus
And you don’t help” So I sent her a timetable
And God did she ever make a fuss
HIS MOUSTACHE WAS SO UNTIDY
His moustache was so untidy
It was quite difficult to see
Exactly where it grows,
On his lip or from his nose
THE MAN-O-GRAM
I left the county hospital
In some considerable distress
They made me put my todger
Inside a bloody trouser press
WHEN I WALKED INTO MY FRIEND’S HOUSE
When I walked into my friend’s house
I can’t describe the mess I found
I thought it had been burgled, but
His grandchildren had been round
LIFE BEGINS AT 40 # 5
You've reached the big four-0
You're getting old and so
It’s time for you to take it slow
It may not be what you wished
But make up for what you’ve missed
Grab a bottle and then get pissed
ON THE QUESTION OF SCOTTISH INDEPENDENCE
On the question of Scottish independence
They’ve worded it the wrong way
Don’t ask the scots if they want to go
Ask the English if we want them to stay
ARE YOU WEARING CUSTODIAL WEAR?
Are you wearing custodial wear?
And that must be three days
You must stop thinking about prisons
Your mind works in Strangeways
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