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Thread: IF Women Went Shopping the Way Men Do

  1. #1
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    IF Women Went Shopping the Way Men Do

    Long before the term “politically incorrect” changed humorists into self-censors, George S. Kaufman (1889-1961) wrote a little sketch based on gender stereotypes but was nonetheless funny. “If Men Played Cards As Women Do” inspired yours fooly to speculate upon a reverse scenario. (This was way back in 2006, when the only thing “GPS” meant was “Get Plastered Soon.”) I’d totally forgotten about that particular piece, until last night – when upon moving a pile of newspapers along with a stray cat I’ve never seen before - I discovered a file containing this impudent little playlet which we like to call

    IF WOMEN WENT SHOPPING THE WAY MEN DO
    by Aunt Shecky
    ALL RIGHTS RESERVED


    (The scene opens with a car parked in front of a house. JENNY is in the driver’s seat, with MEG in the back.)
    JENNY (pounding on the horn and yelling) :
    Come on! Hurry up, ya sack o’ rotten rutabagas!

    (Enter LISA, who is dressed normally except for her face which is totally covered with blue paint. She yanks open the car door and slides into the front passenger’s seat.)
    JENNY:
    What the hell! You look like a Smurf on steroids!

    LISA:
    I thought we were stopping by the ballpark later. Got my Game Face on! Whoo!

    MEG:
    Yeah? You’d better not take your shirt off.

    LISA (Turning to MEG) :
    You’re a fine one to talk! What’s with all the holes in the front of your tee shirt?

    MEG:
    Oh, it must’ve ripped when I twisted off the caps of some cold ones.

    JENNY:
    The two of you sound just like What’s-his-name. (In a deep masculine voice) “ Are you going out in public like that?” (Starts the car.)

    LISA:
    Where are we going anyway?

    JENNY:
    The mall.

    MEG:
    Who’s up for gettin’ mauled? By a hunk a burnin’ love! Whoo!

    LISA:
    In your dreams, Doorknob Face! Do we have to go to the mall?

    JENNY:
    I gotta pick up a Father’s Day present.

    LISA:
    Father’s Day was last week. You’re too late!

    JENNY:
    Not if you go by the Eastern Orthodox calendar. Bottom line, if I don’t get What’s-his-face a gift from me and the kids, he’ll be pissed. Last year I forgot his birthday and he didn’t speak to me for a week.

    LISA:
    Lucky you!

    MEG:
    Yeah, what’s up with these men? My ol’ man keeps wanting me to open up. (Affects a masculine voice, whining): “We never talk!

    JENNY:
    Jeez, it’s been so long since I been to the mall I forgot how to get there! Should I take I-81 or what?

    MEG:
    Maybe we should stop and ask somebody for directions.

    LISA:
    What’re ya -- nuts?

    MEG:
    Holy Crap! (Waves away the air in the backseat. ) Who let one fly? It’s enough to gag a maggot! (Rolls down the car windows.)

    (The scene switches to the Mall, where the gals saunter through, occasionally stopping
    for a pick-up roundball game in front of a toy store’s display and to give in to the temptation to pop every bubble in a length of Bubble Wrap left near a trash bin. Then, of course, there’s always time for man-watching)
    :

    LISA:
    Jeez! Would you look at the gazunka on that one!

    MEG:
    Yeah, baby! Is that a stick o’ gum in your pocket or are ya just a little bit glad to see me?

    LISA:
    (Emitting a wolf-whistle.) Come over here, you tall drink o’ water!

    (The trio enters a department store, where they are soon approached by a male sales clerk.)
    SALES CLERK:
    May I help you, Ladies?

    LISA:
    Too late. We’re married.

    SALES CLERK:
    Today we have a huge sale on menswear. Everything is half off. (The three women start giggling.) And we just received a new line of casual wear for kids. Do you have children?

    JENNY:
    Yeah, three – that I know of. (MEG and LISA laugh ; high fives all around.) Tell you what- I’ll make it easy for ya. Gimme a six-pack of men’s briefs.

    SALES CLERK:
    Certainly, ma’am. What size?

    JENNY:
    Huh? I thought size didn’t matter. He looks about the same size as you. What's the difference? He thinks that everything he puts on makes him look fat. Aw, what the hell–ring it up. And can you gift wrap it? (To her companions) Okay, shoppin’s done. It’s Brewsky Time!

    LISA:
    You buyin’?

    JENNY:
    I bought last time, ya cheap bastard. Let’s Do it To it!

    ALL THREE:
    Whoo!

    (Exeunt.)
    Last edited by AuntShecky; 06-23-2014 at 10:48 PM. Reason: Ill never forget what's-his-face

  2. #2
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    Lol. Check out the gazunka on that one!




    J

  3. #3
    Maybe YesNo's Avatar
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    Nice one. I don't know the way to the mall either.

  4. #4
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    Yours truly thinks there's more room in the world for Auntie's humor.




    J

  5. #5
    confidentially pleased cacian's Avatar
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    if women did less shopping and men more we would have a better ratio store.
    women will spend less and men will have more which mean both can have galore.
    I think that is core.... blimey.

    haha nice read Auntie.
    it may never try
    but when it does it sigh
    it is just that
    good
    it fly

  6. #6
    Registered User saralynn's Avatar
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    Hey, it felt good to read that BEFORE I dig into the Sunday newspapers.

  7. #7
    Justifiably inexcusable DocHeart's Avatar
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    Brilliant, as ever.
    Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine...

  8. #8
    Registered User 108 fountains's Avatar
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    Very entertaining. I wished there was more.

    MEG:
    Maybe we should stop and ask somebody for directions.

    LISA:
    What’re ya -- nuts?

    Perfect!
    A just conception of life is too large a thing to grasp during the short interval of passing through it.
    Thomas Hardy

  9. #9
    Clinging to Douvres rocks Gilliatt Gurgle's Avatar
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    Enjoyed it, but I can't help but wonder how "Come on! Hurry up, ya sack o rotten rutabagas!" might go over in today's lexicon.
    I'll try that one on the coworkers as we head out for a happy hour gathering.
    "Mongo only pawn in game of life" - Mongo

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SKRma7PDW10

  10. #10
    Registered User Steven Hunley's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gilliatt Gurgle View Post
    Enjoyed it, but I can't help but wonder how "Come on! Hurry up, ya sack o rotten rutabagas!" might go over in today's lexicon.
    I'll try that one on the coworkers as we head out for a happy hour gathering.
    This WAS funny, women acting like men. Loved it!

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