ARE YOU WEARING A DOILY?
Are you wearing a doily?
Oh it’s some kind of hat?
Oh it’s called a fascinator?
Well I never heard of that
VINCENT VAN GOGH’S SUNFLOWERS
Vincent Van Gogh’s Sunflowers
Brought me to tears
If I had painted them I would
Have cut off both ears
SHE PHONED FROM THE SPERM BANK
She phoned from the sperm bank
For donations and to be truthful
I hung up, but she phoned again
And then I gave her a mouthful
THE DOOR OPENED AND I SAID
The door opened and I said “Ah madam
Can I show you this carpet sweeper”
“No” she replied “and don’t call me madam
You make me sound like a brothel keeper”
INOCULATIONS ARE A DRAG
Inoculations are a drag
Just remember it’s the jabs
That might well prevent
Many ending up on slabs
LONDON 2012 OPENING CEREMONY
Nothing surprised me more
About the 2012 Olympics
Than the opening ceremony
It was astonishingly good
I must admit I had my doubts
I feared a parade of stretch Limos
Disgorging scores of scantily clad
Essex girls wearing plastic tiaras
And a climax of the ceremony
Would have been a group
Of Hurray Henrys from the city
Dropping their trousers
And farting out a rendition
Of Rule Britannia
Before one of the bare arsed brokers
Would use an Olympic torch
To light a fart
And subsequently ignite
The Olympic flame
SNOW NOTSO-WHITE AND THE SEVEN DIRTY DWARFS
Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho
It's home from work we go
We all have ways to relax at night
Cokey snorts some Snow White
Creepy likes flashing in the park
Sleezy self abuses in the dark
Gropey likes trains in rush hour
Humpy pays for girls by the hour
Lustful hangs around at the docks
And Prof comes home with the pox
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 327
Old Mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard
To fetch the poor dog a bone
Then she remembered
She didn’t have a dog
MY GRANDFATHER TAKES FIVE SUGARS
My Grandfather takes five sugars
In his tea and yet he is very old
He remembers when sugar was good
In fact he said it was called white gold
ARE YOU WEARING A SINGLE FAKE EYELASH?
Are you wearing a single fake eyelash?
I’m almost certain there should be two
What happened to the other one?
Did someone beat it to death with a shoe?
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