View Poll Results: Is "what to be" too wordy?

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  • yes

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  • no

    3 75.00%
  • maybe

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Thread: If....

  1. #1
    Registered User colb2's Avatar
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    If....

    If I made you my everything,
    Could I be more than just a fling?
    If I gave you all my time,
    Would it be such a crime?
    If I said I’d make you forget your pain,
    Could you see what you would gain?
    If I wanted to make your dreams come true,
    Would that seem so out of the blue?
    If I gave you my heart,
    Could you keep it from falling apart?
    If I wanted to love you,
    Would you know I’d see it*through and through?

    Thinking of a special one at 5 am when I awoke wondering if I should be sharing this?
    Last edited by colb2; 04-29-2014 at 12:34 PM.

  2. #2
    confidentially pleased cacian's Avatar
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    a vey nice and truthful piece colb2.
    and why not love is about sharing feelings it aint love otherwise.
    what say you?
    it may never try
    but when it does it sigh
    it is just that
    good
    it fly

  3. #3
    Registered User colb2's Avatar
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    Yes, I agree!
    Last edited by colb2; 04-28-2014 at 06:29 AM.

  4. #4
    confidentially pleased cacian's Avatar
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    I think she is the lucky getting a poem dedicated to her
    I believe in poetry you can say anything and get away with it. it does not get more romantic then that.
    it may never try
    but when it does it sigh
    it is just that
    good
    it fly

  5. #5
    Registered User colb2's Avatar
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    The one

    Once you find the one to adore
    Do not look no more
    You need never to implore

    The best in me
    Is what you'll see
    Forever to the highest degree

    I welcome a bet
    That you would always regret
    What not taking this chance would beget

    When you cant handle the dismay
    I'll be the bright array
    That will guide the way

    Troubles are foreseen
    But like an angel with dazzling sheen
    You'll never be treated but as a queen
    Last edited by colb2; 04-29-2014 at 09:55 AM.

  6. #6
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    I like these very much. "Love" poems for me always seem to be the hardest for me in avoiding the cliche in talking about things like eye color or avoiding perceived vulgarity. I feel that you have overcome both of these things. I think these would be wonderful things to share with a loved one.

  7. #7
    Registered User colb2's Avatar
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    Thankyou.. Surprisingly enough, these are my first two poems, and now I don't want to stop! They were shared and appreciated. I feel a love poem should be described about through the intangibles as opposed to actual description of looks etc.
    Last edited by colb2; 04-28-2014 at 10:17 PM.

  8. #8
    Registered User colb2's Avatar
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    Ideas accumulate
    Knowing owns abilities
    Thoughts unable to duplicate
    Afraid of possibilities

    Imagining the ulterior
    Horizon expanding
    Welcoming the inferior
    Always understanding

    Never bereft
    Searching for surcease
    Physically deft
    Forever at peace

  9. #9
    Registered User colb2's Avatar
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    Red face What to be

    Enthralled by your grace
    A quest for longing embrace

    Locked in my cross hair
    Oblivious to despair

    Think of me whisking you away
    Visualizing love never to astray

    Seeking the next clue
    Hoping this could be true

    At no time a pretender
    Willing to surrender

    Greedily take your love like a thieve
    Picturing desire to achieve

    Forced to be truthful
    To love you would be beautiful
    Last edited by colb2; 04-29-2014 at 09:34 AM.

  10. #10
    confidentially pleased cacian's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by colb2 View Post
    Ideas accumulate
    Knowing owns abilities
    Thoughts unable to duplicate
    Afraid of possibilities

    Imagining the ulterior
    Horizon expanding
    Welcoming the inferior
    Always understanding

    Never bereft
    Searching for surcease
    Physically deft
    Forever at peace
    I like this because the sentences are brief.
    I like the style
    the last stanza is cool
    it may never try
    but when it does it sigh
    it is just that
    good
    it fly

  11. #11
    confidentially pleased cacian's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by jkim1812 View Post
    I like these very much. "Love" poems for me always seem to be the hardest for me in avoiding the cliche in talking about things like eye color or avoiding perceived vulgarity. I feel that you have overcome both of these things. I think these would be wonderful things to share with a loved one.
    how do you mean by
    eye colour or perceived vulgarity?
    it may never try
    but when it does it sigh
    it is just that
    good
    it fly

  12. #12
    Registered User colb2's Avatar
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    The last stanza is my favorite, thought it was a great ending point even though I wanted it to be longer. What are your thoughts on "what to be"?

  13. #13
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    Quote Originally Posted by cacian View Post
    how do you mean by
    eye colour or perceived vulgarity?
    "Her eyes were blue as the sky". I believe the painful cliche of that speaks for itself. Vulgarity in speaking about physical acts of love. Many of the words that we use to describe these acts (the acts not being vulgar or obscene in themselves) have such negative connotation. Certainly there have been people who have been able to write about this tastefully but unfortunately I am not so skilled.

    And colb, I agree with you I think that the last stanza, particularly the last line was the best. There are many love poems that are Sonnets, you may find it a good growing and even fun experience to experiment with different forms such as this.
    Last edited by jkim1812; 04-29-2014 at 02:22 PM.

  14. #14
    Registered User colb2's Avatar
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    The Night

    Hoping for a little luck
    With a kiss I snuck
    I'd keep you awestruck
    In the back of my truck

    Shelter you from the rain
    Need not to explain
    Your safety i'll maintain
    While in my domain

    Lost in a daze
    My face all ablaze
    Brought by your gaze
    Your beauty never fails to amaze

    Getting to know one another
    Cuddling under the cover
    The things to discover
    About the unknown lover

    Stars will shine bright
    If you give me the delight
    Of holding you tight
    All through this night
    Last edited by colb2; 04-30-2014 at 08:17 AM.

  15. #15
    Registered User colb2's Avatar
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    Two words

    Continuously revelating
    Cloying scholastic
    Unfathomed adventuring
    Immensely enthusiastic

    Befuddled uneasily
    Tactically fortified
    Befriending buoyantly
    Surreptitiously diversified

    Fulsomely ebullient
    Communicating felicitous
    Interminably abstinent
    Devoting chivalrous
    Last edited by colb2; 04-30-2014 at 05:20 PM.

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