Ash and iron

[DieterM]

The beach shimmers,
golden, crumbling, empty;
the day sighs, tired,
and grows older;
I taste iron
in my mouth

Clouds swim slowly
through the sea,
the grey and flat,
innocuous sea,
and we walk,
we walk,
not hand in hand but
closed, partitioned,
hazy islands

Our late afternoon
hums a melody,
the melody of waves
washing over our bare feet,
the melody of pine-trees
whispering in the warm breeze,
the melody of our muggy fear
that things could last,
that things could end

As we walk
along the golden beach,
crumbling, empty, tired,
words trickle but
refuse to flow,
and our half-silences
become eternities,
imprisoning our steps,
imprisoning the grey, flat sea,
the sinking afternoon,
the golden clouds,
the sultry sky

Our burning truths, unspoken,
make my gums bleed
and fill my mouth
with ash and iron

[Hawkman]

Hi Dieter,

There's a lot of promise in this piece. The first and last verses are particularly powerful and bookend the poem rather well. I'm less keen on the rather laboured repetitive rhetoric of the intervening three verses. I'm not quite sure how 'the clouds swim slowly / through the sea' and the line break after but doesn't work for me. I always feel, that with free verse, conjunctions are better placed at the beginning of the line. This allows the line break to fall in a place conducive with the placement of the natural pause when speaking. I don't feel the 'and we walk, / we walk,' works. Perhaps, 'and we walk and walk' or even 'and we walk, walk, walk,' would be more effective. Something about the last line bothers me. I can see what you are saying here, but it feels like too much; 'closed, partitioned' might be enough.

The next verse has too many melodies.

'Our late afternoon
hums a melody of waves
washing over our bare feet,
of pine-trees,
whispering in the warm breeze,
of our fear
that things could last,
that things could end'

would be tighter.

Not sure about silences 'imprisoning our steps' but I can see how they might:

'the grey, flat sea,
the sinking afternoon,
the golden clouds,
the sultry sky'

as unspoken comments. If the image sought refers to the fact that you stop walking and stand eventually in silence, then 'that curtail' might be better with, 'our steps'. Again, the repetition of 'imprisoning' feels forced. Maybe:

'...and our half-silences
become eternities
that curtail our steps;
imprisoning the grey, flat sea,
the sinking afternoon,
the golden clouds,
the sultry sky

However, there's far more to like than to criticise in this offering. Always nice to read you.

Live and be well - H

[AuntShecky]

the melody of pine-trees
whispering in the warm breeze,
the melody of our muggy fear
that things could last,
that things could end

Those lines right there are the essence of the poem, maybe ultimately most poems. Terrific.


Auntie

[Jerrybaldy]

I really enjoyed this Dieter. It was romantic but restrained, evocative in its description, melancholy and grounded in a gritty reality. Much to enjoy and admire.

[DieterM]

Don't wanna bump this but have to at least say TY to all of you for reading and commenting. Sorry for the delay, am currently fighting heavy tooth pains which only my fear of the dentist can equal (and does equal because I've been in pain for 1 month; yes, call me idiot or whatever you want, I agree with you!). Hawkman, I heard you and thank you for your keen reading and your to-the-point, detailed observations and remarks. I have written a slightly edited version on my blog so if anyone wants to see if it's better than this one, I can pm the link.
Thanks, auntie and Jerrybaldy, for reading, for enjoying, for being there.
PS: just for the record, I'll be at the dentist's this afternoon. So this is perhaps the last you'll ever read of me. ;-)
Wish me good luck!

[prendrelemick]

I'm glad it was bumped. I like it very much.


"words trickle but
refuse to flow,
and our half sentences
become eternities"

Been there done that!



ps. Time of your appointment.......


2.30 (Tooth Hurty)

[tailor STATELY]

A few words from the past by DM... lovely poem.

Ta ! (short for tarradiddle),
tailor