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Thread: A Little Bit Of Humour # 76

  1. #1
    Registered User Biggus's Avatar
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    A Little Bit Of Humour # 76

    ARE YOU WEARING SEDUCTIVE GARB?

    Are you wearing seductive garb?
    Well I have to admire you style
    But in order to seduce me
    You need only wear a smile

    PUT DOWN # 56

    Put downs work the best
    For deflecting unwanted attention
    But try to be amusing
    As this relieves the tension
    If he starts spinning you a line
    And your tolerance reaches saturation
    Just say “You’re beginning to make sense
    It must be time for my medication."

    21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 320

    Mary had some little drawers
    Which always struck me dumb
    Because like her mother
    She had a massive bum

    WATER BOY

    When my Granddad was a boy
    Water came out of the tap
    It was the wonder of the age
    Fresh water from your tap
    If a man had even suggested
    They bottle it and sell it
    For more than the price of beer
    He’d have been repeatedly hit

    I BOUGHT MYSELF A SATNAV

    I bought myself a Satnav
    I got in the car, turned it on
    And I put it on my dash

    And it told me where I was
    Like I didn’t know already
    What a waste of bloody cash

    SENIOR CLASSES

    The biggest advantage
    Of taking classes while in retirement
    Is if you play hooky
    No one is going to ring your parents

    MARRIAGE HAS BEEN A VERY BUMPY RIDE

    Marriage has been a very bumpy ride
    Since we joined in Holy Deadlock
    And the little lady’s never happier
    Than when she has me in a headlock

    MULTITASKING IS A MYTH

    Multitasking is a myth,
    It doesn’t work sadly
    Multitasking just means
    Doing lots of things badly

    HE WAS THROWN OUT OF A BAR

    He was thrown out of a bar
    For inappropriate behaviour
    And was given a whack

    He pointed at the sign
    Which read “liquor at the front”
    And “poker in the back”

    ARE YOU WEARING PROVOCATIVE GARB?

    Are you wearing provocative garb?
    Well you might well cause some disquiet
    But you are not really achieving you aim
    But you might well provoke a riot

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    The best ones in this batch are the three in the middle: "Marriage Has Been a Bumpy Ride," "Multitasking is a Myth" and
    HE WAS THROWN OUT OF A BAR

    He was thrown out of a bar
    For inappropriate behaviour
    And was given a whack

    He pointed at the sign
    Which read “liquor at the front”
    And “poker in the back”
    Yours fooly has been around so long that the last time she visited such an establishment it had a "Ladies' Entrance." The bouncer "carded" me, but still refused me admission. "Why?" I pleaded. "The date of birth on my I.D. is correct."
    "Yeah," he said, "but you still need proof that you're a lady."

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    Maybe YesNo's Avatar
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    Nice one about "Holy Deadlock".

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    Registered User Biggus's Avatar
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    Thanks Aunty

    That reminds about the Army man who called on a lady and the maid announced "There is an officer and a gentleman to see you"
    The lady replied "Send the gentleman in and ask the officer to wait"

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    Quote Originally Posted by Biggus View Post

    That reminds about the Army man who called on a lady and the maid announced "There is an officer and a gentleman to see you"
    The lady replied "Send the gentleman in and ask the officer to wait"
    That sounds like something Mae West might say. (My bitter half says that the LitNutters must think I'm in my 90s. I hasten to add that I'm not QUITE as old as my references-- just a fan of old-timey entertainers!)

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