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Thread: A Rendezvous

  1. #1
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    A Rendezvous

    - Are you going to see that George, tonight?

    Mother asked Elisabeth, seeing her in front of the mirror checking her make-up, her pink silk dress and high-heel shoes if they matched properly to each other.

    Elisabeth turned around and gave a surprised look to her mother as if she was seeing her for the first time in her life. Then she cleared her throat and said.

    - Yes. Why do you ask?

    Elisabeth was over 20 and she thought that mother did not have to know too much about her intimate life and relationships. On the other hand, the mother did not share the same opinion about it.

    - But, honey, he is over 40, he has several unsuccessful marriages behind him and a bunch of children. Are you sure that you should waste your time with such a person?

    In any case, it was a rational thinking from a mother's point of view. Elisabeth had no doubt about it, but how was she going to explain to her that she had fallen in love with George not because of his age, his marriages or children, but because of his intelligence?

    - Mom, you cannot understand it. There is no point in explaning it to you. I love him. Is it enough for you to comprehend?

    The mother shrugged her shoulders and, knowing how persistent was her daughter when she wanted something, just sighed deeply and wishing her a nice evening, went out of the room.

    George finished reading his book in which he had explained his recent discoveries. The book had passed the process of corrections to be ready for printing. After making sure that there was nothing more to be done and that the corrections of language experts had not changed anything concerning the subject, he closed it, looked at his wrist watch and jumped quickly from the chair and went to the bathroom to get ready for his rendezvous with Elisabeth. He smiled with gladness watching his roundish face with eyeglasses and fine lips. He rubbed his cheeks and chin with his palm an finding that he needed no shave, went out almost running.

    - My dear, you look gorgeous!

    He exclaimed when beautiful Elisabeth put her arms around his neck and gave him a hot kiss. They stood for awhile embraced and then went into a nearby restaurant for dinner.

    - How can I explain to myself the fact that you have chosen me among all those beautiful and attractive young men?

    Asked George after they ordered drinks and meals.

    Elisabeth was surprised with such a question, but then she remembered how eccentric and unconventional George was, and how much she liked him just because of it, she smiled and answered.

    - Well, you see, darling, so many questions concerning all those beautiful and attractive relationships of mine, have piled up and no answers whatsoever.

    Elisabeth burst into laughter and took George's hand.

    - I need a scientific mind to explain all this to me.

    George got the joke and joined her in the laughter, put his arm around her shoulder and they concentrated on their drinks, food and relaxing rumour and music spreading around them in a cosy atmoshpere of the restaurant.
    Last edited by free; 03-20-2014 at 04:56 AM.

  2. #2
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    It's a straightforward narration in which little happens or changes. Nor is much revealed, I'm afraid. If George is really "intelligent," show us. If Elizabeth is so much in love that she's blinded by it, and sees intelligence when it isn't necessarily there, show us that. The opening scene in which the mother voices her objections is rather flat-- there would seem to be more emotion flying back and forth, as the daughter tries to justify her decision to take up with this guy.

    Needs more "passion." By that I don't mean the romantic kind between the guy and gal-- I mean the urgency in which YOU want to get this thing written and to get it written right.

    Try to use more expressive adjectives that haven't exhausted their welcome: "beautiful," "gorgeous," "hot," etc. What is
    relaxing rumour
    ?

    Also, before you post, always do a final sweep so you can pick up stray typos and spelling errors: "cozy," "atmosphere," etc.

    Keep writing.

    Auntie
    Last edited by AuntShecky; 03-20-2014 at 06:32 PM.

  3. #3
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    Quote Originally Posted by AuntShecky View Post
    It's a straightforward narration in which little happens or changes. Nor is much revealed, I'm afraid. If George is really "intelligent," show us. If Elizabeth is so much in love that she's blinded by it, and sees intelligence when it isn't necessarily there, show us that. The opening scene in which the mother voices her objections is rather flat-- there would seem to be more emotion flying back and forth, as the daughter tries to justify her decision to take up with this guy.

    Needs more "passion." By that I don't mean the romantic kind between the guy and gal-- I mean the urgency in which YOU want to get this thing written and to get it written right.

    Try to use more expressive adjectives that haven't exhausted their welcome: "beautiful," "gorgeous," "hot," etc. What is
    ?

    Also, before you post, always do a final sweep so you can pick up stray typos and spelling errors: "cozy," "atmosphere," etc.

    Keep writing.

    Auntie
    Wow, when I see your nick connected with my 'works of art' I feel like I am at school again. If you were a man, I wouldn't be surprised by this feeling, I was madly in love with my literature teacher at school.

    Thanks for your beautiful remarks. As it is obvious, English is not my native language and I write stories here in English because I must. I don't know would you understand the 'must' or not, but that is the fact.

    Best wishes to you.

  4. #4
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    Hi Free,
    Thanks for your gracious response to my criticism, such as it is. The reason I took the time to look at your piece and offer some feedback because I believed that you'd appreciate it. I'm really glad that I was right!

    The main point I was trying to make is that the plot of a young girl in love with an older man --(or the reverse, as in George Bernard Shaw's Candida) is an old one. That it isn't to say that writers can't present a "May and December Romance" in a fresh way. That's what I was urging you to do, in case you want to revise and rewrite.

    Make it unique. Make the story brand new with fresh expressions. Make the readers care about the couple (or at least Elisabeth.) Find your own personal voice.

    Again, keep writing.

    Auntie

  5. #5
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    Quote Originally Posted by AuntShecky View Post
    Hi Free,
    Thanks for your gracious response to my criticism, such as it is. The reason I took the time to look at your piece and offer some feedback because I believed that you'd appreciate it. I'm really glad that I was right!

    The main point I was trying to make is that the plot of a young girl in love with an older man --(or the reverse, as in George Bernard Shaw's Candida) is an old one. That it isn't to say that writers can't present a "May and December Romance" in a fresh way. That's what I was urging you to do, in case you want to revise and rewrite.

    Make it unique. Make the story brand new with fresh expressions. Make the readers care about the couple (or at least Elisabeth.) Find your own personal voice.

    Again, keep writing.

    Auntie
    OK, thanks!

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