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Thread: Black and white

  1. #1
    twist twist's Avatar
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    Black and white

    It was a dark November evening. A man carrying a briefcase and umbrella tipped his hat at his neighbour who was also on his way home. All the bay windows in the street were dimly lit or not at all. His tall, slim shadow was cast as he passed under a streetlight. The man climbed the few steps to his front door, turned the key and turning round looked up at the charcoal sky before stepping in and shutting the door behind him.

    The black cat crouched on the wall opposite watched as he went in. Shortly, a pale, crescent moon made a brief appearance from behind a smoky cloud. The cat continued to watch as a light came on in the front room and another bay window in the street indicated occupancy.

    It was an hour later when the living room light extinguished and the man stepped out again. The night had cleared and the crescent moon followed his thin frame as he took long, quick strides towards the main road, his footsteps echoing in the stillness.

    He hesitated, stopping behind a tree as he approached the local police station. He’d never been inside a police station before; he was a respectable, law-abiding citizen. He had of course considered phoning the police but he didn’t want the operator to listen to, well, rather sensitive information.
    The police station looked shabby from the outside and was poorly lit. One of the lights on the wall was broken. After a few moments of deliberation he went inside. A drunk was being propped up by two police officers. He was a big chap so it wasn’t easy. “Why do us two always get the fat drunks?” one complained to the other.

    The man cleared his throat and spoke to the police clerk.” I wish to report a - a kidnapping. A rare and very expensive black and white Persian cat was stolen from my house today. Nothing else was taken. My cat is never out in the day and is fed by my neighbour. She left my house at 3pm today. She neither heard anything suspicious or saw anything from her front window. I got home at 6pm so the cat was taken between 3pm and 6pm.”

    Well this gives ‘cat burglar’ a new meaning quipped the police clerk.
    The man looked at him coldly causing the police clerk to look down and mutter an apology.
    “I hadn’t finished. About 6:30 I received a phone call from a man, his voice obviously disguised, demanding a,” he paused, drawing his breath in sharply “one thousand pound ransom. He wants the money at midnight tonight. My cat is a very rare breed and is all I inherited from a very wealthy maiden aunt when she died. I was her only nephew and this was her favourite cat.”


    I would be really grateful for any opinions on how it reads so far
    Last edited by twist; 03-21-2014 at 04:40 PM.

  2. #2
    Registered User Delta40's Avatar
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    My first response is don't start with the weather. I don't know why your character is nameless as it makes for a bland narration. Consider a faceless being woven into your detailed backdrop where nothing of note is happening and a character which the reader cannot relate to. To top it off an hour elapses.

    Chop the detail, give him a name, open your story as if you just turned on the tap at full pressure. The reader will get the idea by using their own imagination.
    Before sunlight can shine through a window, the blinds must be raised - American Proverb

  3. #3
    twist twist's Avatar
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    Thanks for your advice Delta. I was attempting to create a 1940s black and white mystery film scene. I have a thing about them.

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