ARE YOU WEARING FISHNETS?
Are you wearing fishnets?
I’m glad they’re back in vogue
It’s the simple things in life
That appeal to this old rogue
DESCRIBING RETIREMENT
The best way to describe
Retirement is make no mistake
If you ask a pensioner
A never ending coffee break
PUT DOWN # 53
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he starts spinning you a line
Just Say if his patter doesn’t pass
“Don’t make me go psycho *****
On your annoying little ass”
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 317
Jack Spratt ate not fat
His wife would eat no lean
So she is clinically obese
And he looks like a bean
PINEAPPLE DUFFER
When my Dad was just a boy
Pineapple slices came in a tin
And had he put it on his dinner
Bedlam would have taken him
SHE TELLS ME WHEN TO START
She tells me when to start
And when not to hesitate
She tells me when to stop
And when I should indicate
She tells me when to speed
And when to use the brake
She tell me when to stay in lane
And when it’s safe to overtake
She tells me if I leave a gap
And when I get too near
She tells me when to accelerate
And when I should change gear
She tells me when the light is green
And when the light is red
I don’t know why I married her
She’s just the same in bed
ARE YOU WEARING PATENT LEATHER SHOES?
Are you wearing patent leather shoes?
Do I think they suit you? In truth no
As you’re a thirty four stone woman
Who is never going to look like Poirot
HIS HEAD WAS SO FULL OF FILTH
His head was so full of filth
And dirty thoughts
Which all centred around
Getting into her shorts
And when the act was culminated,
By all reports
It was clear he wasn’t the only one
With dirty thoughts
I FOLLOWED A CAR WITH A BUMPER STICKER
I followed a car with a bumper sticker
“Vets drive like an animal” Was the gist
Then I was almost run off the road
By what must have been a Gynecologist
HE DIDN’T CUT A DASH
He did not in anyway
Cut a dash
His skinny legs
Hung below his shorts
Like two pieces
Of knotted string
And yet he ran
Like a gazelle
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