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Thread: A Little Bit Of Humour # 73

  1. #1
    Registered User Biggus's Avatar
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    A Little Bit Of Humour # 73

    ARE YOU WEARING FISHNETS?

    Are you wearing fishnets?
    I’m glad they’re back in vogue
    It’s the simple things in life
    That appeal to this old rogue

    DESCRIBING RETIREMENT

    The best way to describe
    Retirement is make no mistake
    If you ask a pensioner
    A never ending coffee break

    PUT DOWN # 53

    Put downs work the best
    For deflecting unwanted attention
    But try to be amusing
    As this relieves the tension
    If he starts spinning you a line
    Just Say if his patter doesn’t pass
    “Don’t make me go psycho *****
    On your annoying little ass”

    21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 317

    Jack Spratt ate not fat
    His wife would eat no lean
    So she is clinically obese
    And he looks like a bean

    PINEAPPLE DUFFER

    When my Dad was just a boy
    Pineapple slices came in a tin
    And had he put it on his dinner
    Bedlam would have taken him

    SHE TELLS ME WHEN TO START

    She tells me when to start
    And when not to hesitate
    She tells me when to stop
    And when I should indicate
    She tells me when to speed
    And when to use the brake
    She tell me when to stay in lane
    And when it’s safe to overtake
    She tells me if I leave a gap
    And when I get too near
    She tells me when to accelerate
    And when I should change gear
    She tells me when the light is green
    And when the light is red
    I don’t know why I married her
    She’s just the same in bed

    ARE YOU WEARING PATENT LEATHER SHOES?

    Are you wearing patent leather shoes?
    Do I think they suit you? In truth no
    As you’re a thirty four stone woman
    Who is never going to look like Poirot

    HIS HEAD WAS SO FULL OF FILTH

    His head was so full of filth
    And dirty thoughts
    Which all centred around
    Getting into her shorts
    And when the act was culminated,
    By all reports
    It was clear he wasn’t the only one
    With dirty thoughts

    I FOLLOWED A CAR WITH A BUMPER STICKER

    I followed a car with a bumper sticker
    “Vets drive like an animal” Was the gist
    Then I was almost run off the road
    By what must have been a Gynecologist

    HE DIDN’T CUT A DASH

    He did not in anyway
    Cut a dash
    His skinny legs
    Hung below his shorts
    Like two pieces
    Of knotted string
    And yet he ran
    Like a gazelle

  2. #2
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    The back-seat driver one was the funniest, but they're all good for a chuckle.

    From Biggus, we always read something funny,
    but I can't be as droll for love or for money.
    Thus: the vanity of human wishes
    when naught's before me (except dirty dishes.)

    Auntie

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