Results 1 to 6 of 6

Thread: stay

  1. #1
    confidentially pleased cacian's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2011
    Location
    London
    Posts
    13,577

    stay

    when you make an impression
    on people
    they literally tickle
    that is because they never felt
    that way.
    imagine when you say
    they could almost pray
    to silence the day
    to just hear you stay.
    it may never try
    but when it does it sigh
    it is just that
    good
    it fly

  2. #2
    Maybe YesNo's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2010
    Location
    Near Chicago, Illinois USA
    Posts
    9,420
    Blog Entries
    2
    The "tickle" part was nice. I hadn't thought of the novelty that making an impression brings like that before. Also, the "silence the day" and "hear you stay" at the end seemed unusual and right.

  3. #3
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Jan 2012
    Posts
    149
    I think your idea for the poem is good, but I think the presentation and form is severely lacking, clunky, and lifeless.

    None of the words sound good together. Literally is used the wrong way for no good reason. I don't like the use of second person. Make it about the narrator, zoom it in, bring to life a scene that embodies that heightened feeling of closeness and longing that you are vaguely hinting to us. Do I know what type of emotions this poem is about? Yes. I have a brain, I can understand this generalized feeling. But you didn't make me feel it. Just zoom it in and get inside the narrator's head. Do more than roughly explain a feeling to a random "you" person.

    I'd suggest listening to "Stay" by the master, David Bowie. It's about the same thing as this poem, same title even, but it's about fire not explanation.
    Last edited by Bewlay Brother; 11-15-2013 at 06:21 PM.

  4. #4
    Registered User chirpy's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2013
    Location
    on a lake
    Posts
    42
    Should have known someone with the username Bewlay Brother was going to bring up db!
    I laughed at you comment because it reminds me a lot of what I WANT to say and I really respect you for saying it!
    *runs into wall*

  5. #5
    confidentially pleased cacian's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2011
    Location
    London
    Posts
    13,577
    Quote Originally Posted by YesNo View Post
    The "tickle" part was nice. I hadn't thought of the novelty that making an impression brings like that before. Also, the "silence the day" and "hear you stay" at the end seemed unusual and right.
    YesNo thank you.
    it may never try
    but when it does it sigh
    it is just that
    good
    it fly

  6. #6
    confidentially pleased cacian's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2011
    Location
    London
    Posts
    13,577
    Quote Originally Posted by Bewlay Brother View Post
    I think your idea for the poem is good, but I think the presentation and form is severely lacking, clunky, and lifeless.

    None of the words sound good together. Literally is used the wrong way for no good reason. I don't like the use of second person. Make it about the narrator, zoom it in, bring to life a scene that embodies that heightened feeling of closeness and longing that you are vaguely hinting to us. Do I know what type of emotions this poem is about? Yes. I have a brain, I can understand this generalized feeling. But you didn't make me feel it. Just zoom it in and get inside the narrator's head. Do more than roughly explain a feeling to a random "you" person.

    I'd suggest listening to "Stay" by the master, David Bowie. It's about the same thing as this poem, same title even, but it's about fire not explanation.
    thank you Bewlay for reading and commenting.
    I am happy with it although you may disagree that it is clunky.
    this is a just a generalisation a typical impression. it is up to the reader to put it into context. sometimes less is more you would remember better I think.
    of course impression here positive not negative.
    it may never try
    but when it does it sigh
    it is just that
    good
    it fly

Similar Threads

  1. Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish.
    By Haunted in forum General Chat
    Replies: 0
    Last Post: 10-06-2011, 08:17 PM
  2. Stay Away
    By Zothar in forum Personal Poetry
    Replies: 0
    Last Post: 08-26-2010, 11:13 PM
  3. Should I stay or should I go?
    By papayahed in forum General Chat
    Replies: 28
    Last Post: 03-15-2008, 09:17 AM
  4. she said stay away!
    By smartgirl in forum General Chat
    Replies: 17
    Last Post: 01-16-2008, 09:33 AM
  5. stay with me
    By Pretty^Athens in forum Personal Poetry
    Replies: 11
    Last Post: 11-08-2007, 03:44 PM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •