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Thread: decadence

  1. #1
    confidentially pleased cacian's Avatar
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    decadence

    decadence
    it tastes
    sweet
    then bitter
    treats.
    too soft
    it's touchy
    too rough
    it's edgy.
    gradual
    says
    fussy
    is glad
    decadence
    desk
    is quitting
    test
    it cannot
    tell
    the best
    from lest.
    it may never try
    but when it does it sigh
    it is just that
    good
    it fly

  2. #2
    I like your poem but think it may benefit from some reworking. Indeed I liked it enough to suggest a revision that might make what I took to be your meaning tighter. I hope you don't mind. I submit my suggestion in the same spirit that students in a poetry writing class might offer editorial suggestions:

    decadence

    tastes
    sweet
    then
    sour.
    first
    soft
    yields
    then
    rough
    hurts.
    soon
    fuss
    ends.
    canít
    test
    whatís
    best;
    now
    rest.


    If I'm off base I apologize.

  3. #3
    Original Poster Buh4Bee's Avatar
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    Reminds me of a poem one of my students wrote.

  4. #4
    confidentially pleased cacian's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Nick Capozzoli View Post
    I like your poem but think it may benefit from some reworking. Indeed I liked it enough to suggest a revision that might make what I took to be your meaning tighter. I hope you don't mind. I submit my suggestion in the same spirit that students in a poetry writing class might offer editorial suggestions:

    decadence

    tastes
    sweet
    then
    sour.
    first
    soft
    yields
    then
    rough
    hurts.
    soon
    fuss
    ends.
    canít
    test
    whatís
    best;
    now
    rest.


    If I'm off base I apologize.
    Nick I thank you very much for taking time to comment and read.
    I like your editorial suggestion. it is a different version slightly and offers a different outlook from the one I posted.

    your version follows my version up to here:
    tastes
    sweet
    then
    sour.
    first
    soft
    yields
    then
    rough
    hurts.


    then it takes a different outlook from mine here:
    fuss
    ends.
    canít
    test
    whatís
    best;
    now
    rest.[/


    your poem version suggests decadence ends because it is fussy and does not know what is best.
    I like your version because it hits the nail on the head at the end ie it goes straight to the point. and then the word REST follows which offers the reader a feeling of relief. nice! I like it because of this

    my version however takes a slight detour at the end in that it introduces two concepts:

    'gradual' which is the opposite of what decadence, it emphasises its inconsistency, in that it goes from nice to hurt nice /hurt ie it is ungradual.

    and

    'fussy' which hypothesise decadence.
    and give them a voice to speak out for decadence and say:

    is glad
    decadence
    desk
    is quitting
    test
    it cannot
    tell
    the best
    from lest.


    and therefore rule it out that way.

    both our versions agree the decadence is nothing but failure.
    thank you Nick for your input because it gave me the opportunity to explore other versions on it and I enjoyed it
    Last edited by cacian; 10-15-2013 at 05:10 AM.
    it may never try
    but when it does it sigh
    it is just that
    good
    it fly

  5. #5
    Thanks. I struggled with the "desk" reference, which is probably why my revision went astray in the latter part. I liked your poem and really felt that it could be expressed in one syllable (monometric one-beat) lines, a very unusual versification but one that seemed possible for your poem.

  6. #6
    Registered User Jassy Melson's Avatar
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    It's time someone told you the truth about your "poem." You've put a bunch of words together--all disconnected. Your "poem" doesn't make sense. It's gobbledy gook.
    Dostoevsky gives me more than any scientist.

    Imagination is more important than knowledge. Knowledge is limited. Imagination encircles the world. - Albert Einstein

  7. #7
    confidentially pleased cacian's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jassy Melson View Post
    It's time someone told you the truth about your "poem." You've put a bunch of words together--all disconnected. Your "poem" doesn't make sense. It's gobbledy gook.
    decadence is gobbled gook you are right on that one.
    my poem not to your taste? try your own signature for taste of your own moral.
    Last edited by cacian; 10-20-2013 at 02:28 PM.
    it may never try
    but when it does it sigh
    it is just that
    good
    it fly

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