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Thread: Story ending for contest

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    Registered User ThreeKlicksAway's Avatar
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    May 2013

    Story ending for contest(Criticism please?)

    So I have a bi-monthly magazine that comes to my house and I found a contest on it. There was a short story, and the contest was to finish it in 500 words or less. So I gave it a go, but want to know if it is even mediocre. I will include the last few lines of their story in italics, then mine afterwards. Oh, and by the way, he is a climber who got trapped in a cave. And there was some really obvious foreshadowing for apparent dragons that dwell in the mountainside.

    "Okay," he told himself, "I'll crawl." As he began to move, there came that noise again. It was just an echo. Or... was it something else? No-yes! Something was moving behind him! Jack glanced over his shoulder and froze. Two flaming red eyes were staring at him out of the darkness.

    Jack stumbled backwards and landed hard against the rock. He cried sharply as his hands made contact with the jagged surface, breaking the skin. A hiss escaped his lips. He scrambled further back until he was pressed against the wall and only when he found that the two fiery eyes could not be seen anymore did he inspect his injuries. His hands were already swollen and bleeding slowly onto his pants.
    With a wary glance he surveyed the dark for his pursuer before proceeding to open his canteen to clean his wounds. But as soon as the water dripped between his fingers to the ground, he was overcome with nausea and a stinging headache as if someone was driving a nail straight through his skull to his brain. Jack crumpled to the ground, wailing and clutching his head bitterly.
    Then, fearing the worst, he slowly looked up. The two eyes had returned, but now they were torn and fractured. Their heat reflected off his body as they raced forward and enveloped half of the cavern in an instant. They nearly died down before erupting again in an ear-splitting squeal and then an explosion. He shielded his face from the blow before shrapnel could lodge itself into his already burning head. They leapt out toward him and twisted and grew tall from the rocks.
    Suddenly a rope fell from above before him, and a shout followed. Without a second thought he grabbed it firmly before wincing in pain and throwing it around his waist instead. Immediately he was hoisted up over the dying fire below.
    Once above, he was surrounded by four men and his friend, Robin. “Are you hurt?” one said. He shook his head. Finally he drew enough courage and asked what had caused a fire to rage across the rocky surface of the cave.
    'Acetylene,' another replied after some thought. 'A highly flammable gas only caused when calcium carbide comes into contact with water. There must have been a very large amount in the floor though for it to do what it had done. You spilled that canteen, yes? Well there you have it. I just can't imagine what started the fire in the first place though.' Jack sighed but did not reply. He didn't even care to know. He was just glad to be out.
    Last edited by ThreeKlicksAway; 10-02-2013 at 08:29 PM.

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