Originally Posted by
virtuoso
I think in stanza two you need to be more scientifically precise. Your eyes follow the sun, and the translucent pond absorbs then reflects the light. The pond does not follow the sun. It is a sterile reflector. There is no magnetic pull that coaxes a pond's movements. Maybe your brown or blue eyes glow in the sun , and the copycat green pond shimmers in the light. Or, maybe, your eyes follow the cottony clouds across the sky, and the rhythmic, copycat pond's ripples or waves roll towards the land. In the final stanza, flowers smell the same whether you know their names or not. Maybe, mysterious flowers bloom in their season, and an exotic mermaid blossoms in the lilly pads. The line "and her content sigh" makes no sense. Maybe, "and her gasping breaths suck the pond dry." You have a good schematic formula for this poem. You need to fix the grammatical and scientific errors. I love the last line. It brings an ironic, winsome closure to this dreamy poem. I look forward to reading more of your poetry!