Soon, the smell of freshly shredded soil
will pulse across my farm like a
church's bell in a close-knit town.
I'll follow the sun across the cotton
grapevine of the sky,
as will the copycat pond.
The pond should boil, and
exhale fog like molasses
and when it passes
a girl should be standing there,
her dress rippling with the water.
She should smell like flowers do
when I don't know their names,
and her content sigh
should suck the pond dry.
Instead, I milk cows all day.
I think in stanza two you need to be more scientifically precise. Your eyes follow the sun, and the translucent pond absorbs then reflects the light. The pond does not follow the sun. It is a sterile reflector. There is no magnetic pull that coaxes a pond's movements. Maybe your brown or blue eyes glow in the sun , and the copycat green pond shimmers in the light. Or, maybe, your eyes follow the cottony clouds across the sky, and the rhythmic, copycat pond's ripples or waves roll towards the land. In the final stanza, flowers smell the same whether you know their names or not. Maybe, mysterious flowers bloom in their season, and an exotic mermaid blossoms in the lilly pads. The line "and her content sigh" makes no sense. Maybe, "and her gasping breaths suck the pond dry." You have a good schematic formula for this poem. You need to fix the grammatical and scientific errors. I love the last line. It brings an ironic, winsome closure to this dreamy poem. I look forward to reading more of your poetry!
I find it very interesting that you read this poem using a scientific framework. The second stanza was an attempt at figurative language. The third stanza is a dream sequence so it doesn't have to make scientific sense for her to suck the pond dry with a sigh, all it needs to be is conceivable by the speaker's imagination. I don't mean to shoot down your criticisms, I'm just trying to explain the framework I wrote the poem with and why there might be that disconnection. I have another poem called "For Irony's Sake" that maybe you could read if you want, it's on the second page, it doesn't have any wishy-washy attempts at figurative language in it, haha.Originally Posted by virtuoso
Thank you though. And I'm glad you enjoyed the last line. That was what I was going for.
Perhaps, you can figuratively have the pond move in cadence with the sun. However, you do need to change "and her content sigh". It makes no sense in any context. I did enjoy your dreamscape!
Can someone explain to me how "her content sigh should suck the pond dry" doesn't make any sense? The definitions of those words together in that order, to me, make sense. Is their some loophole I don't know about? Did I accidentally put a virus in those lines that infects and discombobulates the brain?
Well, apart from feeling that content, should be contented, there is a bit of a problem in that a sigh is an exhalation, so sucking is kind of counter intuitive.
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/sigh
However, the meaning is discernible despite the contradiction. After all, before one can let out the sigh one has to inhale
I do like this piece.
Live and be well - H
Contented I think is one of the ugliest words in the English language.Well, apart from feeling that content, should be contented, there is a bit of a problem in that a sigh is an exhalation, so sucking is kind of counter intuitive.
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/sigh
However, the meaning is discernible despite the contradiction. After all, before one can let out the sigh one has to inhale
I do like this piece.
Live and be well - H
And content, according to the dictionary, is an adjective that means satisfied or "in a state of peaceful happiness." It modifies the noun "sigh." So what makes it technically incorrect? I'd like to know so that I can improve my grammar, but I won't change it to contented because content sounds much better.
Oh, and I'm glad you like it.
Don't be daft. Contented the ugliest word in the English Language? It isn't just about grammar, its also about scansion, so content does not sound better. Besides, here sigh functions as a noun and so contented is required.
Actually, "suck" is a pretty ugly word
Last edited by Hawkman; 09-02-2013 at 03:07 PM.
Like Hawk, I would like to see you make the actions in those, two lines more congruent. Perhaps, "and her deep breaths would suck the pond dry". With this wording, you have her ingesting the water. Or, if you wanted something more figurative, "her deep draughts would suck the pond dry". Like Hawk said, you cannot say "comtent sigh". You have to use the participle, "contented". Contented is a viable adjective in that context.
"Content" is also a noun, when the first syllable is stressed. Be that as it may, I think tht this piece is a worthy effort.
Last edited by AuntShecky; 09-03-2013 at 04:13 PM. Reason: and the last shall be first.
Soon, the smell of freshly shredded soil
will pulse across my farm like a
church's bell in a close-knit town.
I'll follow the sun across the cotton
grapevine of the sky,
as will the copycat pond.
In my imagination the pond starts to boil
and exhale fog like molasses,
when the fog passes
a girl is standing there,
her dress rippling with the water.
She should smell like flowers do
when I don't know their names,
and even as she drools she
finds a way to suck the pond dry.
But instead of all that "nonsense", I milk cows all day.
My hands, to me, smell worse than cow ****. They smell like cow utters.
I wonder, if I had utters, what they'd smell like.
Wait, no, nevermind, that's stupid. I'll just keep milking cows all day.
Daddy raised me that way anyways.
Last edited by Bewlay Brother; 04-21-2014 at 03:49 AM.
Posting Permissions
Reply With Quote