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Thread: Nigerian Internet riches will soon be mine!

  1. #1
    Tasty word gristle!
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    Nigerian Internet riches will soon be mine!

    In the last two weeks I have recieved five internet offers. Each one was from an individual that desired to make me the recipient of a bodaciously huge sum of cash. Three of these offers were from various Nigerian bank employees. Men with larceny in their hearts who were looking for the same among folks in the good old US of A. Starting with; Dr. Ramadan Abdu. Who is, or was until recently, (I'll get to that part in a minute) the bill and exchange manager of the African Development Bank. Dr. Ramadan Abdu said in his e-mail he sent my way that he was; "Trusting to hear from you. (me) immediately." As he had found a 30 million dollars account that was abandoned! All of which was in good old American greenback denominations!

    It gets better! This truckload of cash was just laying around somewhere in, or near the bank's bill and exchange department. A pile of dead presidents that was just begging to be given to some stranger. For a 40 percent out of country share! He sounded pretty damn desperate, so I'm thinking that I can squeeze him until he agrees to 75 percent.

    While I was still chewing the fat off of this here tasty offer I received another e-mail from this guy at the Nigerian B of A! No, it wasn't the Bank of America, which was what I thought it was at first, but the Bank of Africa! Which to my way of thinking (and I will do my best someday to explain exactly how that works) is a lot better than just the Bank of Nigeria. I mean, for Chrise sakes, this is the Bank for the whole damn African continent! A Mr. George Williams, who just happened to be the bill and exchange manager of the Nigerian B of A had located another COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ACCOUNT! containing the abandoned sum of 30 million U.S. dollars that he wants to hook me up with!

    Now my mind is chewing on two huge meaty, fatty, tasty, greasy, gobs of some kind of financial African roadkill surprise. And two of such is a feast for any man's mind to masticate his way through. When... KA-BOOM! The Hat Trick, Mother of all internet offers of outrageous finacial fortunes that are yours for the taking arrives in my inbox. A Mr. Ellis Lee, who also works at the African Development Bank, and says that he also is the bill and exchange manager there had an offer for me. Which made me wonder if Dr. Ramadan Abdu was caught doing the Nigerian two step with the 30 million dollars account that he was going to send my way. Leaving an opening in the bill and exchange department that Mr. Lee had the good fortune to be assigned to. I use the term good fortune because Mr.Lee no sooner has the job, title, and access to the banks letters of account and... WHAMO! He roots out another 11 million dollar abandoned account! Like one of those truffle sniffing porkers from France that ferrets out those tasty fungi!

    Obviously, Mr. Lee was plugged into the same mysterious mumbo jumbo, chili gumbo, whodoo, voodoo, hey you, who gnu?" energies that seem to be highly concentrated in, or around the bill and exchange departments of Nigerian banking institutions. The cosmic synergies that are a mystery, wrapped in an enigma, and covered with a spicy chipolte sauce once again conjured up my name as the person that all these millions sitting in abandoned Nigerian bank accounts should be sent to. Can it any longer be denied, (with a straight face) that; God has my back?

    I must be sucking all the luck out of the known universe for two complete strangers, that are both from Nigeria, who have both; located, run across, discovered, or became aware of two entirely different abandoned accounts that had 30 million in US buckaroos in them. And then have another Nigerian in the know toss towards my mind's already full hands and mouth another 11 million dollar gob of meaty, chewy, greasy, fatty, rib of financial road kill, right off the grill. That's 71 million! The Trifecta of internet offers of robber baron type wealth! I can finally get that 21 foot long fiberglass bass boat! And an extra set of oars!

    What are the odds! Never mind. I don't want to cheapen the magic of this moment with sound mathmatics, or basic applications of reason and logic! Even more amazing, all three of these fine upstanding, hardworking bank employees with larceny coursing through their veins had picked me to be the recipient of their grossly mispelled offer! Choosing me I am sure in some cosmic coniption fit connection, a la bury the chicken bone, kismet, whodoo, juju, coo coo ca choo Mrs. Robinson type manner that us Westerners will never understand. It's one of those beautiful, inscrutable, imuteable, lootable, not suitable for children, or anyone else who isn't suffering from the last stages of alzheimers type offers. One of those cosmic mysteries that occassionaly work there way up under the skin of a person's reality. Usually to lay their innumerable in number eggs. That in a few short weeks will hatch into a hellish legion of voraciously hungry something or others. That will then perform upon your body the insectile equivalant of Shermans; "scorch and burn" march on Atlanta. Which if you remember, was during the "Civil," but none the less quite deadly War.

    But not this time! No way Jose! I figure that at least one, and possibly two of these offers have the potential of becoming an exponential to the tenth power payout. But as you can see, with both of my mental hands, as well as my mind's mouth full to the choking point with fresh from the grill Nigerian Roadkill Riches I'm in need of a little help. I could use your finely honed, razor sharp analytical skill sets as concerns the proper way for me to handle this matter. To help me navigate the byzantine intricacies of counter-scamming a Nigerian internet scammer. Not that I think that this is a real possibility, in these three particular instances. But I didn't fall off of a turnip truck. Let alone last night.
    It was a rutabaga truck. And that was years ago.

    I'll get back to you when this is done. I think we've finally latched onto a real live opiated pipe dream! Next time I will tell you about the two notifications that I recieved from the; Irish Sweepstakes Claims Department.

    You won't believe how much I have won!

  2. #2
    Registered User muhsin's Avatar
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    I sometimes feel ashamed to identify myself as a Nigerian. There are many "scammers", dupers and all sort of people out there giving the country bad name. Terrorism is a recent "credit" added to the country's many tainted tags. Oh my God! It makes things so difficult for a peace-loving, innocent, and low-abiding citizen especially those living outside the country like I have recently started.
    The source of any bad writing is the desire to be something more than a person of sense--the straining to be thought a genius. If people would say what they have to say in plain terms, how much eloquent they would be.
    -S.T COLERIDGE

  3. #3
    Tasty word gristle!
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    re: Not your fault.

    Thank you for responding to my attempt at turning a sad reality into a humorous story. And doing so in a reasoned manner and not an emotional one.

    I know that most Nigerians are not a party to such activities. I also know that most of those involved are so poor when they are solicited to go this route that it is a survival option in a region that doesn't offer many. I also understand that this ploy is evidence of the con man's maxim that: "you can't con a man unless there is some larceny in the person's heart." Referring to the fact that the person who is e-mailed this offer and acted on it as if it was true, and "if" he/she did sign on to the scheme would be engaging in a criminal act as defined by both U.S. law as well as Nigerian law. It is a serious crime to try an obtain funds that you have no legal, or moral right to. In other words, I don't have any righteous indignation, or sympathy for someone who gets burned while trying to do such a thing to others.

    If you happen to read anymore of my stories you will notice that I take a humorous, or satirical shot at anyone or anything that leaves itself open to such a response. I would ask you to read the story again and substitute any other ethnicity, or country of origin that you wish and then reply again with your assessment as to whether the story works as satire or doesn't.
    Last edited by wordwaymike; 08-02-2013 at 04:23 PM.

  4. #4
    MANICHAEAN MANICHAEAN's Avatar
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    Even better wordwaymike are the romance scammers. In many cases they are Ghanians, (akin their Nigerian cousins down the coast in being adept con-men.) They are men posing as females that immediately fall in love with you on the internet. Pictures are posted of exotic hot nubile young ladies and after a suitable period of IT courtship, either money is requested via Western Union to: bury a relative, revive a cow or pay the ju ju man.

    These are quite fun to deal with, if one works on the principle that you cannot con a con man. You can prevaricate endlessly with the individual concerned and eventually say that you are so deeply in love with them that you are leaving your wife, to fly immediately to Accra for a steamy night of romance prior to making an honest woman (man?) of them in holy matrimony.

    Best wishes and happy hunting.
    M.

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