ARE YOU WEARING BRUT?

Are you wearing brut?
How 1970s of you
And it smells as if
You splashed it all over too

I WAS OUT ON THE LASH ON SATURDAY NIGHT

I was out on the lash on Saturday night
But I think it ended in disgrace
As I woke up in a skip next morning
With a kebab stuck to my face

I HATE AUTOMATED SWITCHBOARDS

I hate automated switchboards
They are so annoyingly slow
I wanted to book tickets
For an Elvis act a know
Each minute on the phone
Was costing me dough
Then at last it said press 1
For the money, 2 for the show

WHERE THE WHITE RABBIT WENT

Where the white rabbit went
Then young Alice followed
And down a rabbit hole they went
And both of them were swallowed

LIKE A GAGGLE OF GEESE

Like a gaggle of geese
The hen party traversed
The gaudy Blackpool strip
From bar to bar
And club to club
The tarty group
In their shameless parade
The legless slappers
Ended the night
Even more undignified
Than they had begun it
“If that’s possible”
Sitting in the gutter
In their own piss and vomit

WHEN I LAND A REAL PRIZE WINNING FISH

When I land a real prize winning fish
It’s like meeting a bird that’s really fit
I am filled with the same indecision
I don’t know whether to eat it or mount it

ARE YOU WEARING SPACE PANTS?

Are you wearing space pants?
Well your virtue may be imperiled
Because wearing those pants
Your arse is out of this world

OUR SCARECROW WON FIRST PRIZE

Our scarecrow won first prize
When the winner was revealed
The judges at the county show
Thought it outstanding in its field