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Thread: A new Villanelle

  1. #1
    String Dancer Shea's Avatar
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    A new Villanelle

    I haven't written anything since I took this trip in 1997. I wrote this last night. Could I have gotten over a six year writer's block? I sure hope so. I like this Vilanelle style. Maybe it will be to me like Sonnets were to Shakespeare (though I'm hardly Shakepeare). :-?

    My Enlightenment

    I went to Paris to see the pope.
    It was dreadfully hot that summer,
    No air, no ice, no hope.

    Jet-lag plagued my brain like a rope.
    Their presumtions get stronger
    because I went to Paris to see the pope.

    I endured the trip, make a mental note
    that "no foundations" are never clever
    when there's no air, no ice, no hope.

    Their self-absorbtion left me to silently mope.
    I saw the graven images, no smarter
    when I went to Paris to see the pope.

    Ignored conflicts float in our group like a boat.
    It helped me see truth a little clearer
    due to no air, no ice, no hope.

    They refused to see it, said "nope."
    Later, they mocked me, but I know better,
    for I went to Paris to see the pope
    where there was no air, no ice, no hope.
    Hwt! We Gar-Dena in geardagum,/eodcuninga rum gefrunon,/hu a elingas ellen fremedon!
    Oft Scyld Scefing sceaena reatum,/ monegum mgum, meodosetla ofteah,/ egsode eorlas, syan rest wear/ feasceaft funden; he s frofre gebad,/ weox under wolcnum, weormyndum ah,/ ot him ghwylc ara ymbsittendra/ofer hronrade hyran scolde,/gomban gyldan. t ws god cyning!

  2. #2
    Hello, Shea

    Of course I like the feeling behind the poem. The first three lines are quite surprising. They leave a certain feeling of 'chilly-hot-ironoy' in my mind and they really make me want to read the rest of the poem.

    But after the first part, I immediately notice that you are searching for a style - as more people on this forum still do in their poems. For example, you use a very binding form of rhyme - which I don't like in this case, for it limitits the power of the expression. The fact that you suddenly use a repetitio on the end of that part is quite destroying the tension that you had built up in the first part: the use of a repetitio doesn't encourage the expression of the feeling in my point of view.

    Since I haven't got much time right now to reply, I have go make a short conclusion:

    You certainly have a creative mind and a good sence for symbolism, but - as I face too when I write poetry - the expression can only be perfect if the style is perfect.
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    As a famous Dutch writer always says in interviews:

    Schrijven is schrappen

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    Good luck,
    Bart

  3. #3
    String Dancer Shea's Avatar
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    Thanks for the critique! I agree that the first stanza has the tension that I wanted and it did get lost through a lot of the rest of the poem. But I love this style and although the formatt is binding, to me it makes the words float in my head as I read it.

    To me the repeated lines change with the rest of the words as my trip through Paris continues. That's why I took the liberty to change it a little from the first stanza.

    The poem is not yet 24 hrs old, so editing is in order, perhaps I'll be able to keep the tension of those repeated lines. Thanks for the start! Any other ideas?
    Hwt! We Gar-Dena in geardagum,/eodcuninga rum gefrunon,/hu a elingas ellen fremedon!
    Oft Scyld Scefing sceaena reatum,/ monegum mgum, meodosetla ofteah,/ egsode eorlas, syan rest wear/ feasceaft funden; he s frofre gebad,/ weox under wolcnum, weormyndum ah,/ ot him ghwylc ara ymbsittendra/ofer hronrade hyran scolde,/gomban gyldan. t ws god cyning!

  4. #4
    Drama Queen Koa's Avatar
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    i like it...i like the 'shocking :o ' feeling of the beginning...the pope in Paris etc...yes it sounds like some kind of nursery rhyme in that respect

    What do you mean by Villanelle by the way... ?

    Wow i hope my block won't last 6 years... :o
    dead on the inside, i've got nothing to prove
    keep me alive and give me something to lose

  5. #5
    String Dancer Shea's Avatar
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    Well..., the pope really was in Paris in August of 1997. It was for a Catholic youth rally. I always felt forced as a child to 'pretend' to be catholic for fear of never seeing my mom till I was old enough (she was not a catholic and helped me to understand why). The only thing that I found impressive about him was how many languages he could speak (14, I think).

    So now you know the inspiration, a Vilanelle is a style of poem with a particular structure and rhyme scheme (thankfully, no set syllables):

    A1
    B
    A2

    A
    B
    A1

    A
    B
    A2

    A
    B
    A1

    A
    B
    A2

    A
    B
    A1
    A2

    I hope that makes sense! Anyway, after the trip I felt that I needed to write a poem about it, but never could until now!
    Hwt! We Gar-Dena in geardagum,/eodcuninga rum gefrunon,/hu a elingas ellen fremedon!
    Oft Scyld Scefing sceaena reatum,/ monegum mgum, meodosetla ofteah,/ egsode eorlas, syan rest wear/ feasceaft funden; he s frofre gebad,/ weox under wolcnum, weormyndum ah,/ ot him ghwylc ara ymbsittendra/ofer hronrade hyran scolde,/gomban gyldan. t ws god cyning!

  6. #6
    I don't think that the use of such a binding scheme contributes to the transmission of your feelings. I can remember that I always used the sonnet-form when I just began with poetry, because I hadn't found a style myself - yet.

    Though I consider many of my sonnets still as beautifull, I don't use their structure anymore for I really think they limit the expression! But if you think that it doesn't go for you, keep using it anyway.

    (Imitatio, Aemulatio, Creatio?)

  7. #7
    Drama Queen Koa's Avatar
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    I didnt know that the pope was in Paris in that moment, but i still feel the line gives a surprising impression to the reader because probably, willing or not, everybody associate the pope with Rome...

    I didnt know about the Villanelle form either...it's interesting, and i admire those who manage to express things using a scheme... i'm not able to use schemes because i want to find the perfect way to express something, and a structure would limit it... i'm very surprised and satisfied when by chance i manage to fit a perfect expression in a structure, but everytime i've decided to use a structure, it was more like an exercise where the perfect expression wasnt the most important side.
    dead on the inside, i've got nothing to prove
    keep me alive and give me something to lose

  8. #8
    String Dancer Shea's Avatar
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    Ok, let me try to take another stab at it. I so desperately love this style and want to make it work. When I was in high school, my poetry teacher always said that my poems were too prosy. So lets try it this way. (By the way, you might also want to try reading a Vilanelle out loud, some times that helps)

    I went to Paris to see the pope.
    Dreadfully hot that summer,
    no air, no ice, no hope.

    Jet lag pulled like a rope,
    presumptions got stronger,
    because I went to Paris to see the pope.

    Enduring the journey with a mental note;
    "no foundations" are not better
    when there's no air, no ice, no hope.

    Conciet let me silently mope.
    Seeing graven images, no smarter
    when I went to Paris to see the pope.

    Discords neglected drift like a boat
    bouying truth nearer
    due to no air, no ice, no hope.

    They refuted, said 'nope'
    Later mocked, I know better
    for I went to Paris to see the pope
    where then no air, no ice, no hope.

    If you think anything else could be changed, or if any line confuses you, please let me know!
    Hwt! We Gar-Dena in geardagum,/eodcuninga rum gefrunon,/hu a elingas ellen fremedon!
    Oft Scyld Scefing sceaena reatum,/ monegum mgum, meodosetla ofteah,/ egsode eorlas, syan rest wear/ feasceaft funden; he s frofre gebad,/ weox under wolcnum, weormyndum ah,/ ot him ghwylc ara ymbsittendra/ofer hronrade hyran scolde,/gomban gyldan. t ws god cyning!

  9. #9
    Registered User tailor STATELY's Avatar
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    A villanelle from 2003

    Ta ! (short for tarradiddle),
    tailor STATELY
    tailor

    who am I but a stitch in time
    what if I were to bare my soul
    would you see me origami

    7-8-2015

  10. #10
    The Wolf of Larsen WolfLarsen's Avatar
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    The strength here is the rhythm. I still don't like poems that rhyme. I strongly feel that the rhyme died 100 years ago. But the rhythm of the poem is great!
    "...the ramblings of a narcissistic, self-obsessed, deranged mind."
    My poetry, plays, novels, & other stuff on Amazon:
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