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Thread: Freedom

  1. #1
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    Freedom

    The bullet entered his head from behind.There was a bang and blood oozed out of his head while his body gave an automatic forward lurch so that it could fall down onto the ground. he was standing 10 floors high and 10 floors down would he fall.

    It would be smooth he firmly believed. There would be nothing that would come into his path to freedom. he desperately wanted to enjoy the journey. As hard as it had been for him, it would all end now in a matter of seconds. People would encircle the place where he would land while he would calmly get up and leave the scene. He did not feel any pain.His eyes were wide with excitement as fresh air entered inside him.

    The pain was immense. He could feel every organ of his body giving up on him like the failing joints of a machine. He lurched forward and for the first time realized the pain he would endure upon the fall. People around would encircle the place where he would land while he would lay there completely incapable of doing anything but rest in peace.

    The descent began. The world around him seem to revolve like a top. Was he flying? Surely not. The ground appeared closer to him with every passing moment but somehow he never managed to reach it. There was someone,something pulling him up but then he wasn’t really going up either. So where was he? He had no answer and feared that he was lost in the abyss.

    And no way was the fall going to be smooth. What was he thinking he now wondered talking about freedom like he was some hero. The more he tried to calm himself; the worse it made him feel. he tried to push hmself up; If somehow he could go back to the top; but he knew it was in vain and he would have to give up. He knew the moment had come. He closed his eyes and submitted himself to his owner. It was now over he knew. There was no way he was going to get hurt but looking down upon his owner, it made him guilty , it made him sad. Was he responsible for this? Did he for his desire for freedom forced his owner into this situation? No,it couldn’t be. he would never do that. He loved every moment he was with him but then this, how was it possible? he had no answer. He did not want to think either. the time had passed and the result was inevitable.

    He thanked the lord for throwing him away from the abyss. At least he was now going down. Only a moment away he blamed him for his death and now he was thanking him. Ah that is how he has so many followers he realized: the irony… life on earth was definitely an illusion. So many sins did he accumulate during his lifetime. At least now when he would fall, all of it would be gone, gone for good and he would die a free man. In a way he would be free, this thought made him slightly happy. why was he ever so tensed he thought to himself? This was easier than anticipated! Death is not so cruel after all….. And he fell , fell into the place from where he once arose crying for someone to take him in his hands and console him and promise to take care of him. Oh he was setting them free as well. Death is all about freedom he believed.

    There was a jerk and a big thud. People were rushing from all directions. They were shrieking, shouting while he tried to get up and walk as quickly as possible from that place, it made him sick. There was blood everywhere but he was clean and for some reason felt relaxed. It was definitely a far more painful event than he ever thought it would be. Thankfully, this only happened once. he looked down from the corner of his eyes. There was a body, his home. He knew he was free, freedom he always wanted , free to roam everywhere and anywhere he desired. The relaxation was slowly disappearing. He looked around; the world was the same cruel self and he had now lost his mask. This was not going to be easy.

  2. #2
    I don't get this. Are you describing a human being (the "he" in your passage)? Or some sort of non-human being? If you mean a human, I cannot see how such a human for whom The bullet entered his head from behind...and blood oozed out of his head while his body gave an automatic forward lurch could possibly experience the perceptions you describe. Such a person would not experience anything after his brain was scrambled by a bullet as you describe.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Nick Capozzoli View Post
    I don't get this. Are you describing a human being (the "he" in your passage)? Or some sort of non-human being? If you mean a human, I cannot see how such a human for whom The bullet entered his head from behind...and blood oozed out of his head while his body gave an automatic forward lurch could possibly experience the perceptions you describe. Such a person would not experience anything after his brain was scrambled by a bullet as you describe.
    Actually, it is possible to get shot in the head and live. There have been lots of instances where it's happened.

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    Registered User Grit's Avatar
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    I found the first two sentences jarring. The chronology of it is all wrong. The bang should precede the bullet passing through his head. It's confusing having the bullets impact described followed by the bang. Seems counter intuitive.

    The subject also goes unnamed. I would apply a name as soon as possible or he loses his relatability.
    While the truncheon may be used
    in lieu of conversation,
    words will always retain their power.
    Words offer the means to meaning,
    and for those who will listen,
    the enunciation of truth.

  5. #5
    Registered User Delta40's Avatar
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    Some of your sentence structures are wrong:

    It would be smooth he firmly believed.

    What was he thinking he now wondered talking about freedom like he was some hero

    Ah that is how he has so many followers he realized


    You rewrote whole sentences twice:

    People would encircle the place where he would land

    This kind of writing has a jarring effect coupled with the obscure nature of the piece, it makes it difficult for the reader to really get their teeth into it.
    Before sunlight can shine through a window, the blinds must be raised - American Proverb

  6. #6
    Quote Originally Posted by Volya View Post
    Actually, it is possible to get shot in the head and live. There have been lots of instances where it's happened.
    It is certainly possible to be shot in the head and survive. As a neurologist, I have seen such cases. My point was that in all of these cases the person shot in the head (where the bullet penetrated the brain) was immediately rendered unconscious. The (lucky) ones who survived woke up some time later, usually without any recollection of what happened when and just after they were shot, and often with a considerable degree of retrograde amnesia that wiped out any memory of events for a variable time before they were shot...

  7. #7
    Quote Originally Posted by Grit View Post
    I found the first two sentences jarring. The chronology of it is all wrong. The bang should precede the bullet passing through his head. It's confusing having the bullets impact described followed by the bang. Seems counter intuitive.

    The subject also goes unnamed. I would apply a name as soon as possible or he loses his relatability.
    For bullets that travel at supersonic speeds (and most modern rifle rounds do this), the bullet would arrive at the target before the sound from the gun.

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