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Thread: The fall of man

  1. #1

    The fall of man

    Divine knowledge concedes, the power that it breeds;
    Surrogate wisdom, the truth in its infancy
    The root of it all, placed seed by seed;
    Vile and invasive, the human paradox.

    Sophistication it seeks, yet ignorance it receives;
    Dawn of the sinner, an existential cataclysm
    Spiritual decline, though the pain it relieves;
    The future, while bleak still endures.

    Land by land, battling for the ultimate crown;
    Catastrophic actions, foreshadow impulsive reactions
    Atrocities, causing even the purest saint to frown;
    The end while near, not quite here.

    While observing it all, condemning the man;
    A resemblance of hope, an abysmal sign I await
    Eternal silence, dis-sanctifying the plots where it all began;
    Until the last candle is extinguished, as lit by man.
    Last edited by NordicFrost; 06-03-2013 at 08:15 PM.

  2. #2
    Registered User Melanie's Avatar
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    Excellent poem. I can appreciate your fresh take on an age-old subject of the fall of man, which you have masterfully expressed. The flow is smooth and a delight to read.

    One line kind of tripped me up though, "atrocities, causing even the purest saint to frown"..."even"?...wouldn't the purest saint be expected to frown at atrocities? Shouldn't it read something like "atrocities, causing more than just the purest of saints to frown"?

    Also, this is trivial and just my opinion (i'm just a newborn to poetry) but i would minimalize the last line in each of the 4 stanzas for more impact.
    Last lines in stanza...
    #1 - replace "and" with a comma...or leave it alone)
    #2 - delete "rather"
    #3 - choose either "yet" or "quite" but not both
    #4 - delete "which was" ("lit" is already past tense...
    .......or you could replace "which was" with "as"..."as lit by man")

    Great poem though...as is !!
    Last edited by Melanie; 06-03-2013 at 03:18 PM.
    Live in the sunshine. Swim in the sea. Drink the wild air ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

  3. #3
    Quote Originally Posted by Melanie View Post
    Excellent poem. I can appreciate your fresh take on an age-old subject of the fall of man, which you have masterfully expressed. The flow is smooth and a delight to read.

    One line kind of tripped me up though, "atrocities, causing even the purest saint to frown"..."even"?...wouldn't the purest saint be expected to frown at atrocities? Shouldn't it read something like "atrocities, causing more than just the purest of saints to frown"?

    Also, this is trivial and just my opinion (i'm just a newborn to poetry) but i would minimalize the last line in each of the 4 stanzas for more impact.
    Last lines in stanza...
    #1 - replace "and" with a comma...or leave it alone)
    #2 - delete "rather"
    #3 - choose either "yet" or "quite" but not both
    #4 - delete "which was" ("lit" is already past tense...
    .......or you could replace "which was" with "as"..."as lit by man")

    Great poem though...as is !!
    e

    Thank you for the constructive criticism!
    I agree, I should've been more eloquent with my prose.
    "atrocities, causing even the purest saint to frown" was kind of supposed to be ''ironically metaphoric''; in a way.

  4. #4
    Registered User Melanie's Avatar
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    You were quite eloquent...i was just looking for some minute details to critique. And, oops, I didn't see the ironic metaphor at first. I look forward to seeing more from you. You have talent.
    Live in the sunshine. Swim in the sea. Drink the wild air ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

  5. #5
    Quote Originally Posted by Melanie View Post
    You were quite eloquent...i was just looking for some minute details to critique. And, oops, I didn't see the ironic metaphor at first. I look forward to seeing more from you. You have talent.
    Thank you!

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