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Thread: Depression To Die For.

  1. #1
    Registered User Jett Black's Avatar
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    Depression To Die For.

    I go through the motions of being alive,
    No not living for there is no life or
    light at the end of this tunnel.
    Home alone in my room sitting … staring
    at flickering meaningless scenes hearing
    without listening, speaking without saying.

    Others complain saying: 'pull yourself together
    and for gods sake go and see your doctor'.
    So I nod my head … smiling to please them
    and they leave thinking they've helped me
    to 'get my head together', leaving me alone
    to think of many ways to get my head apart.

    Loneliness leads me to the solution and the way
    out of it all … hosepipe … windows shut … mind
    shut … pills swallowed … turn the key …scent of
    death and a door opens that should have been locked.
    Dragged into fresh air and to the doctors rooms and
    psychiatric faces and hopefully endless oblivion.

    Sweet women in white … stern men with beards
    'carbon monoxide count sixteen is bad cos
    twenty's usually fatal you know so it could be
    at least three or four weeks at least and why
    didn't you call us Jett and warn us Jett cos
    you know we could have helped … we tried'.

    Medicate … tranquilize and close your eyes,
    red white and blues for breakfast lunch supper.
    'Wanna talk about it now … wanna say why?
    Group therapy is good and the only way to go
    you know … they've all been there and back
    and no we can't just let you die you know.'

    Psychi … psychol … psycho beings asking about
    sex and drawings … talk … interpret and more
    pills so you can function but how do I when
    all I do is sleep … sleep …sleep and wish
    I would never wake up again ever in this world
    in this meaningless useless f-cking world.
    “The embers of past lives lie within us all, waiting to be fanned into flames of reality by the breezes of remembrance.” Jett Black.

  2. #2
    Registered User Delta40's Avatar
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    I think this poem should begin at S3. It starts to resonate at that point.
    Before sunlight can shine through a window, the blinds must be raised - American Proverb

  3. #3
    It wasn't me Jerrybaldy's Avatar
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    The closing two lines puts it in the realms of an angsty teenager within a middle aged person.

    For those who believe,
    no explanation is necessary.
    For those who do not,
    none will suffice.

  4. #4
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    It gets a bit prosey - verses 2 and 4 in particular. Not sure where you're trying to take us with this, Jett.

    H
    Last edited by hillwalker; 05-26-2013 at 05:55 AM.

  5. #5
    Registered User kittypaws's Avatar
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    I think the title of this is very suiting and clever however it is a horror when one tries to take their own life cuz of feeling out of place in this time/world. We all have a place, sometimes it just takes a while to locate it.

    Keep writing as I am enjoying your posts.

    kittypaws
    Everyone finds himself in the world where he belongs. The essential thing is to have a fixed point from which to check its reality now and then.
    Ancient Egyptian Inner Temples

  6. #6
    Registered User Jett Black's Avatar
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    Thank you all again for reading, enjoying and for flagging the weak points in the prose. I shall try to do better in future!
    “The embers of past lives lie within us all, waiting to be fanned into flames of reality by the breezes of remembrance.” Jett Black.

  7. #7
    Registered User tallonrk1's Avatar
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    Beginning was slightly weak, but wow from the third stanza and on, it was just so powerful. Love this, great piece of writing
    "I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." ~Maya Angelou

  8. #8
    a dark soul Haunted's Avatar
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    Lots of good stuff in here but also lots of words. Depression is not the problem, overwriting is. Basically your piece starts 4th line in. You should let your poetry shine by losing commonplace phrases like "go through the motions". "Others complain saying" is redundant. Either "others say" and then write it out in the form of a scathing complaint, or just say, "others complain" and carry on. If you have the skills and you sure do, it would be clear they are complaining, you don't have to tell us.

    Statistically, women prefer OD, gassing is more a guy thing. It'd probably be more effective if you just picked one thing specific to the gender of the persona, and then spent time on some nice gory details rather then piling on one method over another. It's like, someone hangs himself and then comes out of the closet and shoots himself in the head again. You see the problem? You didn't cover stomach pumping so it really seems like OD is an afterthought. So why not just focus on the pipe and go deeper e.g. describe the taste in the mouth (rubber or metal), or how warm the gas is and the quick peaceful sleep that ensues.

    Then there are these rigid 5 line stanzas, they are restricting your creativity. And you don't need to make the lines all end at a similar length, because then you tend to over write in order to match the line length. In the end you wind up with monotaneous blocks of copy that undermines a powerful message.

    "But do you really, seriously, Major Scobie," Dr. Sykes asked, "believe in hell?"
    "Oh, yes, I do."
    "In flames and torment?"
    "Perhaps not quite that. They tell us it may be a permanent sense of loss."
    "That sort of hell wouldn't worry me," Fellowes said.
    "Perhaps you've never lost anything of importance," Scobie said.

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