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Thread: The House

  1. #1
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    The House

    You jump at the soft creak of the dusty timber underfoot as you move cautiously through the old abandoned house. A pale light of the moon breaks though the crack in-between the web covered drapes and flashes over your face as you move past giving you a glimpse into the vast expanse which is the night sky. With each move from the seemingly alive house your heart beats faster and faster as sweat dribbles down the back of your neck. You enter a larger room, walls covered in dusty painting and cobwebs as lifeless as the house and in the centre of the room two red velvet chairs sat dead, motionless. As you move around studying the room you notice that the eyes of the painting seem to follow you, like a hunter stalking its prey. A sickness deep in your stomach manifests itself, nearly making you drop to the floor. You start to shake uncontrollably. You look to the hallway where you came from and can still see the door open. You start to run as fast as you can. Tripping and stumbling into the walls you slowly get closer and closer to the door. You look up at one of the paintings on the wall of an old man with a ginger beard and bald head who is wearing a military uniform with an enraged expression on his face and was also staring. You quickly look away when suddenly a scream of pain echoed through the house, sending ice cold shivers from head to toe. The scream seemed to last for hours until it finally ended instantly and was followed by a violent high pitched laugh, the laughter of a madman. You freeze in place. Fear snaring you to the floor. Slowly, you get closer and closer to the door. Now only meters away you get a burning feeling in the back of your head. The feeling youíre being watched. The sweat beading down your face stings your eyes, but you dare not look behind you because of what you might see. Quickly you make a wild dash to get out the door but itís slammed into your face, hitting you on the head sending you into a trance. You fade in and out of consciousness, your sight coming and going. You hit the floor with your head facing away from the door. To your horror you see a tall, darkly clothed figure holding an axe which drips with blood. The reaper - like figure moves closer each time you fade out though being completely still when you can see. Now with the figures feet right next to your face, the blood drips from its axe onto you. Falling unconscious, all is black and all you can hear is the mad, crazed laugh drowned out by the slow creak of the floor boards.

  2. #2
    Registered User Grit's Avatar
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    First off, interesting choice going second person. It worked better than I expected. Still, there's no distinct reason for it. I'd consider changing the pov because second person is weird.

    "You quickly look away when suddenly a scream of pain echoed throughout the house..."

    This sentence would be more concise if you took out "you quickly look away when..."

    "Suddenly a scream of pain..." A general rule is if you can say the same thing with less words, do it.

    I didn't find this one particularly scary. Perhaps my amygdala is bored with old houses and axe murderers.
    While the truncheon may be used
    in lieu of conversation,
    words will always retain their power.
    Words offer the means to meaning,
    and for those who will listen,
    the enunciation of truth.

  3. #3
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    There's nothing very original here, is there? It's like an amalgam of several haunted house horror stories. You spend most of the time reminding us how scared the main character is and how much he sweats.

    Also you keep changing verb tense from present to past which is distracting and obviously unintentional:

    You enter present tense a larger room, walls covered in dusty painting and cobwebs as lifeless as the house and in the centre of the room two red velvet chairs sat past tense dead, motionless.

    You look present tense up at one of the paintings on the wall of an old man with a ginger beard and bald head who is present tense wearing a military uniform with an enraged expression on his face and was past tense also staring.


    Strangely unscary.

    H

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    Doesn't really strike one scary chord.

  5. #5
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    Thanks for your tips/pointers I will take them into consideration. This was and is still my first story so I will keep working on my writing skills

    Thanks all, KingBen~

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