Results 1 to 5 of 5

Thread: The Nightmare

  1. #1
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Feb 2013
    Posts
    5

    The Nightmare

    A tale taking place 8 years before the start of The War Within.
    __________________________________________________ __
    “Remind me again why we’re doing this?”
    “The same reason we do anything. Gold. Tell me, what Lord doesn’t want to prance around his fiefdom on the back of a flaming horse?”
    “A Lord that doesn’t want to get burned?” Syvan rolled his eyes and sighed. He may love his little sister but sometimes she was more annoying than she was useful.
    “You know their flames are only dangerous when they want them to be. Other than that they’re just like any other horse.”
    Arcadia lifted her eyebrows in disbelief, “No. No they’re not. They’re ****ing intelligent and you know it. I don’t think it’s going to take kindly to us freeing it from captivity only to enslave it and sell it on the markets down south.”
    “That’s why we have to be smart about it, now shut up and let’s do this.” Syvan moved from their hiding spot and walked towards the encampment.
    A ring of canvas tents surrounded a fire. The night was still and cool. The mercenaries had all gone to sleep and only two men sat on a log near the fire chatting in barbaric and finishing their dinner of bread and meat, sopping up the last of the grease with the bread. They each had a spear and wore animal furs, their hair was long and tangled into dreadlocks. Arcadia followed Syvan, arrow notched she stopped near the edge of the tents and looked around. On the opposite side of the fire lay the Nightmare; a great black horse with a flaming mane and tail. It lay sleeping beneath the chains that kept it tied to the ground.
    Syvan snuck up behind the two men, grabbed them each by the head and with his massive arms he slammed them together. There was a loud, hollow thunk and the two men slumped to the ground.
    Arcadia joined Syvan and they headed for the horse bedded down beneath the chains. Flames leapt from its mane and they could feel the heat rippling off it from a few feet away. Arcadia put her bow and arrow away. The horse stared up at her with bright black eyes and she could feel the power of its intelligence behind that gaze.
    She approached slowly, steadily. The horse watched with interest as they pulled the pegs out of the ground one by one, slowly freeing the horse from the metal net. There was a collar around the neck, red hot from the flaming mane. With the net pulled off, two chains from the collar to the ground on either side were the only things left preventing the Nightmare from fleeing.
    “We’re not going to hurt you.” Arcadia whispered, forcing herself to believe it and knowing that if she believed anything less the horse would know instantly. Arcadia grabbed one peg, Syvan the other. Together they wrenched and removed them from the ground. The horse reared but they held tight.
    “Quiet. Quiet.” Arcadia whispered, the thrill of adventure finally overturning all her self-doubt. The Nightmare seemed to calm and they led it from the encampment and out into the grassland of the Barbarian Plains.
    With every step the Nightmare left a small sooty hoof print and it became vital to get as far from the camp by morning as possible. They began to tug a little harder on the chains, keeping the Nightmare tensed between them.
    The horse became more and more jittery the further they got, twisting its head side to side, testing Syvan and Arcadia’s grip but they held tight and walked on. Once the camp was out of sight the Nightmare gave a hard tug against Arcadia, pulling towards Syvan. She held tight but it yanked her off her feet. She rose and gave a yank back in protest as Syvan was forced to leap back away from the flames of its tail.
    “Enough.” Arcadia said sternly. The horse looked at her, its dark eyes blazing to life with anger. The mane and tail suddenly surged outwards, the heat almost unbearable from five feet away. The chains glowed hot as the horse reared, snapping them from the collar. The nightmare charged directly towards Arcadia and she dove out of the way, dropping the chain. Rolling she notched an arrow and drew before she was even on her feet but Syvan ran forward and put an arm on her back.
    “Don’t kill it.” He yelled and she gently released the string. They watched as the Nightmare disappeared into the darkness, only the flames burning against the blackness and behind it a trail of burning grass from its hooves.
    Syvan sighed in defeat and rubbed his eyes wearily. They were about to turn back, head for the forest when the wind picked up, blowing eastward across the plains. The small trail of flames suddenly erupted into an inferno, spreading before them. The eastward wind pushed it away from them and they stood in awe of the wildfire as it tore across the grasslands. On the black horizon, lit up with orange flames, they could see the distinct silhouettes of small round huts as the flames leapt towards the village.

    Screams rang out across the plains. Syvan and Arcadia looked at each other. Thieves, mercenaries and cheaters they may be but the deaths of innocents at their hands they could never allow. They took off at a sprint. Syvan offered up a silent prayer to Nakir.
    “Please let it rain.”
    They reached the village out of breath. The barbarian villagers were scattering, their huts alight and collapsing. Yells and screams echoed all around. In the centre of the village amongst the worst of the fire the Nightmare was blazing so brightly Arcadia had to squint and shade her eyes to look at it. The flaming horse stood still, watching the chaos around it. Maybe Arcadia imagined it but she thought the Nightmare had a wicked gleam in its eyes as it cocked its head to the side. As if it was saying “Look. This is what happens when you lie.”
    Beside the village’s wooden feast hall a woman was kneeling and wailing. She fought and screamed as a man hauled her away from the flames, tearing at her animal skin clothing in anguish. An ear splitting scream reached Syvan’s ears, a high-pitched child’s screams. Without hesitating Syvan raced into the feast hall.
    “Stay here.” He ordered Arcadia.
    He entered the hall with Arcadia right behind him. All around him were flames and smoke. A beam from the roof collapsed and Syvan narrowly dodged it by rolling forward. Arcadia remained on the other side, separated by the dancing flames. Syvan crouched, coughing he searched through the smoke. He saw a small child crouching against the back wall, eyes wide with horror. He ran forward, leaping up and over a flaming table and landed beside the child. Scooping her up he turned to run back but the roof collapsed around them, blocking their way back. The heat was so excruciating Syvan could feel his flesh starting to sizzle. He pressed the girl against his chest and turned away, trying to shelter her from the boiling heat.
    “Up here!” Looking up to the second floor that was nothing more than a walkway around the walls he could see Arcadia on her stomach. She reached her arms down and Syvan passed the child up. Arcadia grabbed the child by the arms and hauled her up. Syvan heard glass shatter as Arcadia broke the window. The ledge was too high for him to jump up and grab and he was too heavy for Arcadia to pull up. He searched around for a way out, his lungs so full of smoke he couldn’t stop coughing. Tears blinded him and sweat was cascading from every pore. Finally he spotted it. A wall weakened by the flames but still on fire. He barreled towards it and threw himself into the wall with his shoulder. There was an excruciating pain as he burst out into the fresh air, rolling to a stop. His shoulder ached, sprained most likely, and he struggled to sit up, taking in quick gulps of the warm but fresh air.
    “Syvan!” He was up, on his feet and ignoring the burns and the pain as he hobbled over to the window where Arcadia was lowering the child. Arcadia dropped her into Syvan’s arms and he grunted at the strain in his shoulder. Arcadia hopped lightly down beside him. Her face was covered in soot streamed with sweat but her face lit up in a cocky half grin.
    “That was exciting.”
    Syvan just shook his head. No matter how close to death they came Arcadia always seemed unaffected. His adrenaline was fading now, time was returning to normal. They hurried away from the village and found the group of barbarians, quickly reuniting the child with her mother. The Nightmare was still standing in the centre of the village glaring at them. It began to scratch the ground with its paw, smoke drifting from its nostrils as it prepared to charge the group. Syvan drew his sword and Arcadia notched an arrow. The Nightmare reared angrily, its neigh high and shrill against the sound of the burning village. Its feet hit the ground and it began to charge.
    Thunder sounded and the heavens suddenly opened up, releasing a downpour of torrential rain. It sizzled and spat as it hit the Nightmare, slowly dousing the flames. The Nightmare’s charge suddenly became a flee from the rain as it burst past the group wide to the left, desperately seeking shelter from the rain and making for the forest a couple miles away.
    The rain slowly put out the flames of the village but Syvan and Arcadia were long gone by then. No point in sticking around long enough for questions to be asked.

  2. #2
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Feb 2013
    Posts
    166
    It's quite catchy. It has the elements of a epic story but I lost attention. I'm not a passionate of The Lord of the Rings neither the Game of Thrones and such things. I stopped reading with the first apparition of the barbaric people in the camp. Sounds good, though. Very like the kind of stories in the same line. Maybe you've got something. At first sight, it looks like (for the people who loves this stuff at least).

  3. #3
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Feb 2013
    Posts
    5
    thanks very much, appreciate the read. hopefully people interested in fantasy can give me some editing notes.

  4. #4
    Registered User Grit's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    Location
    Now.
    Posts
    272
    Blog Entries
    3
    “Remind me again why we’re doing this?”
    “The same reason we do anything. Gold. Tell me, what Lord doesn’t want to prance around his fiefdom on the back of a flaming horse?”
    “A Lord that doesn’t want to get burned?” Syvan rolled his eyes and sighed. He may love his little sister but sometimes she was more annoying than she was useful.
    “You know their flames are only dangerous when they want them to be. Other than that they’re just like any other horse.”
    I almost didn't get past this part because it's like hearing two faceless strangers talk. You need to introduce the characters first so we can imagine who is talking.

    I'm glad I continued reading because it's an interesting story. The backlash of a crime is fire and maybe death. Your characters are not cut-throat thieves who care about money above all else, they're helping children from death and putting themselves in the way of danger.

    The biggest question this story leaves me with is why? Why did they steal the horse? Given their character and knowledge of the horse they need a reason IMO. It's a flaming horse that is trouble, and is intelligent. The characters know that before hand. So why do they choose to steal it? There's easier ways for a thief to make money.

    Establish motivation for the crime and you'll have a better story in my mind.

    I read and enjoy fantasy, I've always loved it. The thing with fantasy is that everything's been done half to death. Flaming horses are hardly fantastic anymore, given how many times they've been incorporated into stories. I'd try to think outside the box in regards to any fantastic creatures you write about.

    An enjoyable story though, and if you sharpen up the beginning and add motivation for your characters, it'll help it shine through.
    While the truncheon may be used
    in lieu of conversation,
    words will always retain their power.
    Words offer the means to meaning,
    and for those who will listen,
    the enunciation of truth.

  5. #5
    Registered User F.E. Michael's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2013
    Location
    Sarasota, FL Area
    Posts
    38
    Ah, the value of white space. I had to give up. I want to read it but my willpower isn't high.

Similar Threads

  1. Nightmare #1
    By miyako73 in forum Personal Poetry
    Replies: 9
    Last Post: 08-19-2012, 06:03 PM
  2. Nightmare Land
    By MystyrMystyry in forum Personal Poetry
    Replies: 12
    Last Post: 04-27-2012, 11:56 PM
  3. Nightmare house
    By bhamtya in forum Personal Poetry
    Replies: 0
    Last Post: 07-26-2010, 12:29 AM
  4. Nightmare
    By Arania in forum Personal Poetry
    Replies: 0
    Last Post: 12-10-2007, 11:05 PM
  5. Nightmare Alley
    By Lockhart in forum Book & Author Requests
    Replies: 0
    Last Post: 08-04-2003, 12:56 PM

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •