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Thread: Bane of the Fallen Emperor

  1. #1
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    Bane of the Fallen Emperor

    Hello, im very new to this forum, and I figured i'd post the first chapter of my "fantasy epic" that i made for a English homework.

    Im looking for critique so that i can improve and learn new ways of writing. English is not my native language, so there might be some grave mistakes i'd like to have pointed out
    (This was copy pasted from another document so it might look a little weird, and im not entirely sure i posted this in the right section either :P)

    Bane of the Fallen Emperor
    By Simon Ulander

    In the long forgotten past, shrouded from any historian’s prying eyes, there stood a world most commonly known as Anvindr, being named just that for its peculiar resilience. It had at last, after centuries reigned by war, achieved peace.

    But as a certain visitor makes his grand entrance, the world is yet again thrown back into turmoil, and it’s supposedly superior resilience is for the first time doubted, as all fear for its terrible and utter destruction.

    Chapter 1
    Daeron was sitting comfortably next to the river that happened to be running just outside his humble abode. It was early in the morning and he knew he had a lot to do this day, so he gladly claimed this one chance to get some peace and quiet.
    As he watched the river stream flow quietly downhill, he thought about all that could have been. Just a couple of days ago, Aralax the emperor had managed what was thought of as being impossible, he had made a truce between the orcs and elfs, uniting the entire world under one single banner.
    However, as the second day of peace began, the heavens fiercely split in two and through the giant rift a savage demon of frightening size fell down upon us. He who later became known as Nexasius the Savage, had claimed Emia, the grand city of the Emperor, as his own base of operation, easily brushing off any attack the citizens or city guards could launch at him.
    Daeron had not seen the demon with his own eyes, if he had he would most likely be dead already. But from others he had heard about him; He was as tall as the kings tower, being the tallest of Emia’s towers. His skin was darker than night, and from top to toe he was covered with what seemed like vicious burn marks, and pulsating veins with bright red blood that emitted a faint glow to his otherwise dark character.
    He had a facial and body structure that resembled that of an elf, along with long dark-red hair not only on his head but also on arms and legs, giving him the appearance of a fiery demonic beast on two legs.
    To Daeron it seemed like the demon had emerged straight out of a nightmare and it’s only cause for living was to plunge the world into darkness. Daeron felt slight shame for not helping his race fight against this terror, but, after all, he was exiled.
    But, Daeron recalled: All was not lost; Aralax their great and powerful emperor had survived the demon’s siege, and was all but sitting idle, instead he had gathered the five sages, the undefeated masters of magic, and after a brief meeting, the six rode out to meet the crazed demon straight on.
    The demon had little time to react, as they focused all their energy into one mighty spell meant to banish the demon forever, the demon grew even more furious, he would not go down without a fight.
    He threw curses left and right, leveling buildings to the ground, and at last fixing his gaze upon Aralax who he recognized as the leader. He muttered a few last words in some evil tongue none had ever heard before, and after those cursed words that were painful to even listen to, he growled as loud as he could and was then pushed with a force so strong the big demon let out a small whine as he was forcibly pushed out of this realm, back to where he had come from.
    All had been well if it’d just ended right there Daeron thought, but their victory was short-lived. As the sorcerers were celebrating their success, the emperor had been enclosed in his own mind, falling to his knees, unnoticed by the cheerful magicians. The terrible words of the demon still lingering in his mind, his body stiff by immense pain, he felt his heart twist recklessly as if trying to release itself, and then it started to shiver. Then after one last wave of excruciating pain his heart finally imploded, causing his body to slowly calm down.
    At first he was clueless about what to do, the void that had fabricated where his heart used to be alarmed him, but his body forcibly calmed him down. The words that were uttered by the demon still echoed in his mind, but now he clung to them, because if he let them go he would have nothing. He let the words fill his empty body, allowed it to flow freely through his veins, darkening his blood, and in a matter of seconds, turning it completely black.

    TBC

  2. #2
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    A "fantasy epic" seems very ambitious, especially as this is presumably your first attempt at writing fiction.

    I assume the first two paragraphs are some kind of Prologue. I'm not sure why you have chosen to write in such a ponderous style - it's the kind of flowery, pseudo-historical prose that gives fantasy novels a bad name.

    In the long forgotten past, shrouded from any historian’s prying eyes, there stood a world most commonly known as Anvindr, being named just that for its peculiar resilience. It had at last, after centuries reigned by war, achieved peace.
    But as a certain visitor makes his grand entrance, the world is yet again thrown back into turmoil, and it’s supposedly superior resilience is for the first time doubted, as all fear for its terrible and utter destruction.


    Personally I find this kind of writing overbearing, especially since it can be condensed into two simple sentences:

    'Long ago the world of Anvindr achieved peace. But when a certain visitor arrived he brought turmoil in his wake.'

    I was hoping that once Chapter 1 started you would have abandoned this long-winded writing style and got on with the story but unfortunately it gets no better:

    Daeron was sitting comfortably next to the river that happened to be running just outside his humble abode. It was early in the morning and he knew he had a lot to do this day, so he gladly claimed this one chance to get some peace and quiet.
    - 'sitting comfortably' - why do we need to know how he was sitting?
    - 'the river that happened to be running'? - dreadful
    - 'humble abode' - a cliché
    - 'gladly claimed' - why gladly?
    - 'peace and quiet' - another cliché

    My advice, keep things simple.

    That morning Daeron was sitting beside the river enjoying some time to himself.

    That tells us exactly the same thing.

    I'm sorry, but once the heavens split open I couldn't read any further. The plot seemed to make no sense and the style of writing was so heavy-handed that it wasn't fun to read.

    I suggest you read as much good, contemporary fiction for young adults as possible and maybe write about the real world (a world you know something about) rather than a fantasy world that is just a rip-off of every other 'Lord of the Rings' sequel. Start small - short stories perhaps - before building up to a full-blown novel.

    One day you will hopefully look back at this early attempt and cringe. We have all done the same when taking that first step be a writer - put it down to experience. And if it's any encouragement, I wouldn't have guessed that English isn't your native language.

    H
    Last edited by hillwalker; 02-18-2013 at 11:34 AM.

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    Hey Adiowa,

    I like the idea of this piece, but I think there's some flappy bits that can be cut out, like Hillwalker has already pointed out.

    My best advice is to try your hand at writing lots of short stories, before embarking on a 'fantasy epic.'

    Remember it's good to make mistakes, the more you make, the quicker you'll learn.

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    Wow, it just felt like i met Gordon Ramsay for short stories! ;D I agree with everything you said and I will definitely hold onto your comment for future reference.

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    Registered User Steven Hunley's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Adiowa View Post
    Wow, it just felt like i met Gordon Ramsay for short stories! ;D I agree with everything you said and I will definitely hold onto your comment for future reference.
    It IS good advice. A novel is one thing and an epic is another. A fantasy epic even tougher, as nothing is a given, and mapping out the rules of your fantasy world, and its inhabitants is all up to you. Reading a few short fantasy stories might be called for. In them you may glean how to set up the environment and introduce characters that are out of the norm efficiently (since it's a short story) If it's good, it can be most likely done without prologues.

    Writing itself can be a demanding mistress. Having a few knowledgeable taskmasters on your side will help.
    Last edited by Steven Hunley; 02-18-2013 at 04:14 PM.

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