Results 1 to 8 of 8

Thread: Once upon a mystical journey

  1. #1
    Registered User MysteryGirl's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2013
    Posts
    70

    Once upon a mystical journey

    Once upon a mystical journey,
    A birds feathers flew through the air,
    I swooped in every direction,
    Jumping around without a care.

    These feathers did not belong to me,
    So they flew as far as they could go,
    And by the time I caught up to them,
    I'd already fallen to low.

    There were the feathers,
    and the other birds unlike me
    While I layed upon the floor,
    exhausted and weary.

    And even though I knew
    The feathers belonged to the bird,
    I fell back into my mystical journey
    undeterred

  2. #2
    Something's gotta give PrinceMyshkin's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2007
    Location
    Montreal, QC
    Posts
    8,746
    Blog Entries
    1
    Quote Originally Posted by MysteryGirl View Post
    Once upon a mystical journey,
    A birds feathers flew through the air,
    I swooped in every direction,
    Jumping around without a care.

    These feathers did not belong to me,
    So they flew as far as they could go,
    And by the time I caught up to them,
    I'd already fallen to low.

    There were the feathers,
    and the other birds unlike me
    While I layed upon the floor,
    exhausted and weary.

    And even though I knew
    The feathers belonged to the bird,
    I fell back into my mystical journey
    undeterred
    I got a bit confused as to whether you were the bird or were observing it, and I worried that your commitment to end-rhymes was going to get you into trouble, such as strained syntax or corny rhymes, but you surprised me, happily, with the last set of rhymes. (If you ever feel the desire for a contemporary masterpiece of how to use rhyme, look for "April Inventory" by W.D. Snodgrass.)

  3. #3
    Maybe YesNo's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2010
    Location
    Near Chicago, Illinois USA
    Posts
    9,420
    Blog Entries
    2
    You almost have the end-rhyme technique correct except that the rhyme sound must match the accent of the words that are rhyming as well as the plain sound. For example, "bird" and "undeterred" rhyme because there is an accent on "bird", the last syllable of the line, and "-terred" also the last syllable of its line. The sound pattern that doesn't work is "me" and "weary". Here, "me" is at the end of the line and accented, but consider the word "weary". The "wea-" syllable is accented, not the "=ry" syllable. So the two words don't actually rhyme although the sound of their last syllables is similar outside of the metrical context of the line.

    Rhyme works best, to my ear, when the overall meter of the poem flows in a pattern. I love rhyme, by the way. However, I think meter is more powerful than rhyme and the content of the poem more important still than any of these techniques.

  4. #4
    Registered User MysteryGirl's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2013
    Posts
    70
    Thank you both for the comments. I appreciate the criticism and points well made.

  5. #5
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Apr 2010
    Posts
    6,053
    I have to say I prefer the raw, immediate style of your other poems. This looks too much like an attempt to write 'proper' poetry with rhyme and rhythm and pretty pictures - and it ends up being a sugar-coated cliche.

    Jumping around without a care looks like you chose it for the rhyme rather than for any meaning it might have in the overall context of the poem.

    I could be wrong, but this looks like the work of a very young poet still finding her feet and getting bogged down in trying to follow a formal structure. Your other pieces show a good deal more maturity and an ease with words that this lacks.

    H

  6. #6
    Registered User MysteryGirl's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2013
    Posts
    70
    I agree completely with the criticism of this poem posted here. This was one of my first few poems and I honestly hate it... haha, but at least I've gotten better! Thanks for the feedback, everyone. <3

  7. #7
    Something's gotta give PrinceMyshkin's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2007
    Location
    Montreal, QC
    Posts
    8,746
    Blog Entries
    1
    I admire your non-defensive responses to the criticisms.

  8. #8
    Registered User MysteryGirl's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2013
    Posts
    70
    Prince, there's no use in being condescending to honest criticism that I, myself, believes.
    Plus, I know these members here have more experience on these forums than I do.
    So, I can't place my opinions above there's.

    If I had actually believed in this poem then I would've defended it's position, not in an aggressive manner. I think I was sleeping when I posted it here. Haha. -A

Similar Threads

  1. Something Mystical
    By Lamar Cole in forum Personal Poetry
    Replies: 1
    Last Post: 06-06-2010, 10:44 PM
  2. Another Journey Across the Sky
    By BienvenuJDC in forum Personal Poetry
    Replies: 3
    Last Post: 06-04-2010, 11:03 PM
  3. Mystical Nonphysician
    By hngyhngyhppo in forum Short Story Sharing
    Replies: 0
    Last Post: 10-20-2009, 05:03 AM
  4. Mystical Genres
    By Chester_100 in forum General Literature
    Replies: 4
    Last Post: 11-17-2008, 01:19 AM
  5. a mystical experience of shared knowledge
    By NikolaiI in forum Philosophical Literature
    Replies: 16
    Last Post: 05-20-2008, 09:24 PM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •