Raven on the rope

[An11]

First time here who has finally summoned up the courage to write something. Really appreciate feedback and many thanks for reading
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Dianne watched, almost in a trance, as Stuart took the package from her lap, turning the top outwards so he could extract its contents.

“Oh my goodness,” said Dianne as Stuart removed its contents, holding it high in the air so Dianne could get a good view , “It’s beautiful,” she added as he turned the necklace slightly, to ensure Dianne could properly see just how beautiful it really was.
“Glad you like it, it will look lovely around your neck” Stuart added.

If Dianne had not been staring so intently at the necklace, glistening in the afternoon sunshine flowing into the car, she would have noticed the tears welling up in Stuarts eyes as he remembered how his ex wife had left the necklace on the kitchen table a year ago today. She had looked so beautiful in it, how could she just discard it in the same way she had discarded him.

“Close your eyes, let me put it on for you,” said Stuart knowing there wasn’t long left now, it was nearly time. He checked his foot was still firmly on the brake, the car in gear with the clutch pedal depressed and the engine running. One slight alteration and the car would jolt forward.

Dianne watched as Stuart undid the clasp on the necklace and lifted it higher, only closing her eyes as he moved the necklace towards her neck. He knew she would. As she felt its coolness touch the nape of her neck, she sighed with contentment. It seemed like forever since she was this happy and she wanted to savour every moment of it.

Reaching around her neck, holding the ends of the necklace in each hand Stuart heard her sigh and just for a moment, he felt guilt. She didn’t deserve this, she hadn’t caused his pain he thought as he looked into her pretty face, her eyes closed in complete trust. He silently asked for forgiveness for what he was about to do. Then he moved fast.

She felt his hands behind her neck, excitedly awaiting the clicking of the necklace clasp that never came. Instead she felt the smooth, cool texture of the necklace being replaced by a course burning feeling as the two ends of the rope, pulled from behind the head rest, slide along either side of her neck before the modified clasp on the end of each snapped them together, joining them in eternal unity just under her chin. She opened her eyes, attempting to make sense of the situation, but it was too late. The modified noose held her secure, preventing any struggle.

She turned her eyes to look sideways towards Stuart, confusion and innocence exuded from her presence. As he looked into her eyes, no words came from Stuart’s mouth as guilt once more washed over him. His guilt wouldn’t change his actions, but by keeping silent now, he might spare her the full horror of what was about to befall her as he looked over Dianne’s shoulder to see the view that was thankfully hidden from her eyes. His eyes followed the rope that now secured Dianne’s neck so firmly against the headrest as it trailed along the inside of the car, and out through the hole he had so precisely drilled in the back panel. He couldn’t see the other end, but he knew it was tied securely to the crash barrier at the rear of the car.

Stuart looked at his watch, two minutes to go.

Perhaps driven by the loss of his own daughter or perhaps a symptom of the raging lunacy into which he was rapidly descending, Stuart reached for Dianna’s bag now lying open next to where Dianne was sitting in shock, her head secured by the homemade noose. He pulled out her mobile phone, looking for her daughter’s name among the contacts. He found the name Gemma and called the number, waiting for a response before passing the phone to Dianne.

“You wanted to tell her how the date ended,” he said, not bothering to hide the sadistic cruelty in his voice “Now is your chance.”
No words came out of Diannes mouth as Stuart pressed the phone to her mouth, it didn’t matter. Gemma would be a witness to the ending just as he had wanted.

Driving the car forwards sharply would cause the rope to tighten, before pulling the noose backwards through the gap between the headrest and seat, cutting through flesh and sinew as it separated head from body. Gemma would hear her mother’s last gasps as the rope tightened, cutting through the point of least resistance where the necklace should have been. She would hear the sound of her mother’s breath being severed from its source as her head fell from her shoulders and he would have his revenge. Mercifully it would be over in an instant.

“Hi Mum, how’s it going with that guy who is different,” teased Gemma, keen to pick up on the text she had sent earlier.
Dianne tried to drown out the manic engine revving sound as she listened to her daughter’s voice for the last time.
“Mum, is everything ok?” asked Gemma, her voice betraying the growing urgency.

Stuart looked at his watch, one minute to go.

Dianne tried to talk but no sound would come. “I love you” she said silently again and again in her head, trying to force the sound out from her lips while she still could.

Gemma knew her mum was in trouble. She listened hard for her mum’s voice but all she could hear was a desperate panting noise, hidden between what sounded like manic laughs and a car engine revving so loud that it could have been in the same room.

Stuart took his foot off the clutch causing the car to lurch across the car park.
“MUUUUM, ”Gemma screamed unaware of the level of horror unfolding on the other end of the phone.
“Gemma, I love......” Gemma heard her mum’s words before they were cut short, as the engine noise hit fever pitch, followed by a bang and now there was silence apart from the gentle hum of an engine.

The perimeter wall brought the car to a stop, close to where the Raven stood perched, looking and watching in silence. His eyes gazed across the car park to where the car began its deadly journey, the place where he had toiled to complete his task, the place where the rope was still firmly attached to the railing, its securing knot pulled tight as the vehicle lurched away only moments earlier. Strands of the rope lay all around, as the other end lay frayed on the concrete floor of the car park, a remnant from the Ravens earlier hours of rhythmic pecking as he had worked diligently to break the rope apart.

“MUUUUUUUM,” Dianne heard the words, distant at first then becoming clearer. She opened her eyes and looking through the windscreen she saw steam coming from the bonnet as the gentle hum of the engine secured the car firm against the perimeter wall. She moved her head slightly forward, the rope still around her neck, but now no longer secured at the other end to the metal railing, giving her the freedom that she had so nearly lost. She turned her head to look at the man in the driving seat, now lying dead after the poison he drank earlier in the coffee shop had taken its effect, stopping his heart at the allotted moment, exactly as he had planned.

“MUUUUUUUM, ARE YOU THERE,” Dianne heard the words again, louder and clearer this time as her senses gradually returned. She reached down to pick up the phone lying on the floor of the car.

“Yes I am here darling, the date is over” replied Dianne, not noticing the Raven fly from its perch and disappear over the horizon, its work now done.

[hillwalker]

First impressions - you can write well enough and you know your way around. Paragraph structure and dialogue handled correctly. There were places where you tended to over-write when it might have been better to keep the language clear and simple. And there are a few other issues that need attention but nothing that can't be fixed.

I'll comment as I read through:

The opening to a story is usually the point at which readers decide whether to continue or stop reading. So you have to have something intriguing enough to grab the attention, hook us, and continue feeding us the story.

So, how does your story measure up? Well, there's some intrigue. A mysterious package, and two characters who presumably will interact as the tale unfolds. You might consider tightening this up though:

Dianne watched, almost in a trance a little vague - 'almost' weakens the image, as Stuart took the package from her lap, turning the top outwards so he could extract its contents. Do we need to be told this? especially as he removes its contents in the next sentence.

Unfortunately, our expectations were rather misguided. He's bought her a necklace - hardly earth-shattering. And this line:

“Glad you like it, it will look lovely around your neck” Stuart added.

adds nothing. Would it look lovely around her knee? It's a non-sentence, hardly worth relating. If you need him to put it around her neck just write "Here, let me fix it for you." We can work out who speaks this line.

The next sentence is 50 words long. Way too long. glistening in the afternoon sunshine flowing into the car pulls our focus away from what's happening. Again, for what bit it adds it's not worth the effort.

The next problem with this is pov (point of view). We are seeing the story through Dianne's eyes so far - we are told she's almost in a trance (presumably she's the only one who can be sure of this) - as if she is holding a 'camera' and filming the events. So to suddenly switch to Stuart as he remembered how his ex wife had left the necklace on the kitchen table a year ago today won't work. Dianne can't possibly know what memory Stuart is experiencing, so you have leapt almost mid-paragraph from her pov to Stuart's. It doesn't work particularly well in fiction I'm afraid unless you have a clear section break making it clear that the 'camera' is now being operated by a different character. If you keep bouncing from one character's thoughts to another's the reader is left uncertain who to engage with.

As far as the plot is concerned, I'm not sure how a driver checks their foot is 'still firmly on the brake'. It either is or it isn't. You don't bend down to look. If they are stationary why would he need to keep the car in gear unless he was sitting at traffic lights for example? You have added an unnecessary distraction that takes the reader's attention away from the plot. If he intends a speedy exit, believe me any driver can set most cars in motion in a matter of seconds.

Again Stuart is checking his foot then Dianne is watching him unclasp the necklace - another pov jump.

I have to say that by the time he strangled her I was glad because so far nothing has happened. A man takes forever to put a necklace around a woman's neck. I guess you're aiming to rack up the tension but stretching a scene out too long has the opposite effect. The tension has long gone and been replaced by boredom.

a course burning feeling should be coarse - and I'm not sure how the mechanism of restraint is supposed to work. All this detailed explanation takes far too long. Why does it have to be so complicated? All he has to do is prepare a noose beforehand and slip it over her head, And is he still riding the clutch all this time? Unbelievable.

eternal unity - seriously? I don't even know what that means if you're describing two ends to a piece of rope. This is what's known as purple prose - flowery and meaningful but ultimately empty.

confusion and innocence exuded from her presence - again, what does this mean? If you're trying to suggest she was confused but also innocent (unaware?) of his intentions you have to show us somehow rather than just tell us.

I like the idea of the helpless damsel inside a car with a psycho, her neck fastened to something outside. . . and when he drives off!!! But you lost my attention a long time ago. There are too many tedious stage-directions for one thing - the footbrake, the noose contraption, and lines like this:
Stuart reached for Dianna’s bag now lying open next to where Dianne was sitting in shock, her head secured by the homemade noose.
We already know where Dianne is - no need to repeat. Does it really matter where her bag is exactly?
And this:
Driving the car forwards sharply would cause the rope to tighten, before pulling the noose backwards through the gap between the headrest and seat, cutting through flesh and sinew as it separated head from body.
I think most of your readers have the intelligence and imagination to have worked this out for themselves without having it spelled out. The rather graphic nature of the death is also strange - totally inconsistent with your writing style so far.

the sound of her mother’s breath being severed from its source sounds great but again makes no sense.

As for the denouement - it was as if you bolted the ending to a different story on the end of this one. It's what's called a 'deus ex machina' and is considered poor form. Something the reader didn't even know existed suddenly appears right at the end and saves the day. If you had used a little foreshadowing - mentioned the raven earlier in the piece perhaps and how it was pecking at the roadside - then it might have been better. At least then the reader would experience a ripple of hope - willing it on to peck through more strands of rope as it hops onto the crash barrier. But I guess then your ending wouldn't be as dramatic.

The fact that Stuart's motivations were unclear doesn't help either. Why has he chosen to kill Dianne and force her daughter to listen? Why drink poisoned coffee? The car would be more likely to stall than shoot forward when he died.

Overall you have the writing skills - you just need to tighten up your prose and perhaps choose a more believable plot next time.

H

[An11]

Many thanks for the detailed feedback on my piece

Being the first thing I have wrote, your detailed and prompt feedback is pure gold and I am scrutinising every comment and incorporating your thoughts into my next piece.

Thank you so much

Anthony

[F.E. Michael]

I'd pay money for this sort of feedback! I enjoyed this story too. Seems wierd this thread didn't get much commentary.

[An11]

I'd pay money for this sort of feedback! I enjoyed this story too. Seems wierd this thread didn't get much commentary.

Thanks F.E Michael, glad you enjoyed the story. I have now taken on board the advice and worked it up into a 15,000 word short story and published it on Amazon Kindle (Raven on the Wire by Edgar Locket), quite a milestone for me