Translated

[saqib09]

Hello,

I'm new here and I write in the Bengali language. Would you kindly read a short poem written by me and translated into English by me? Please note though that I have not even tried to transmit the poetic beauty (with all due modesty, if there's any) in my poem. I simply mean that I have not tried to translate the meter, rhythm and syntax of the original, and did not try to translate the nuances, and suggestions that the original words would inspire (or so I hope). This is mainly because my knowledge of the English language is very limited. My purpose is to see if a translation can invoke a little bit of the emotion that the original (supposedly) does. Here is the translation:

We have grayed the sky by burning the inside of the earth
Your blue sky is now a landscape of nightmare
The yellow vapour that has been exhaled from greed so vicious
Will no longer send down wet showers to seek for crimson flowers

Sky, as much blackened your bruised body has become
Our cloud is even more putrid and impenetrable.
The life giving light that once permeated our horizon
Is slowly disappearing into the last photosynthesis



I would love to know what you/anyone thinks of this. Thanks in advance everyone.

[hillwalker]

I realise that this is a translation so you are limited to how much of your own thoughts and ideas you can put in the poem.
First impressions, it's a little repetitive (lots of references to the sky and clouds) and some of the language is perhaps too emotive.

greed so vicious - is greed vicious? or is there a better word that describes how destructive greed can be?

putrid and impenetrable - a little too graphic perhaps when a subtler choice of words would be more effective

It's about how Man has polluted the planet and threatens to destroy the environment, but it's a little too vague. What has caused the sky to turn grey or the earth's body (?) to become blackened? Is it deforestation? Perhaps you need to tell us in a little more detail.

Also one minor point - wet showers ? Have you ever seen dry rain? I thought not.

H

[saqib09]

I realise that this is a translation so you are limited to how much of your own thoughts and ideas you can put in the poem.
First impressions, it's a little repetitive (lots of references to the sky and clouds) and some of the language is perhaps too emotive.

greed so vicious - is greed vicious? or is there a better word that describes how destructive greed can be?

putrid and impenetrable - a little too graphic perhaps when a subtler choice of words would be more effective

It's about how Man has polluted the planet and threatens to destroy the environment, but it's a little too vague. What has caused the sky to turn grey or the earth's body (?) to become blackened? Is it deforestation? Perhaps you need to tell us in a little more detail.

Also one minor point - wet showers ? Have you ever seen dry rain? I thought not.

H

Thanks so much for your reply & review.

this is the problem with translation. I will try to explain a little bit so please bear with me.

The word I used in Bengali for 'vicious' probably better translated as an obscene and all encompassing force that is ugly in nature. Vicious probably is not the right translation but the problem is I don't know which is.

I tried to present cloud and sky as elements that create a balance in nature. Then I tried to imply that that imbalance in the physical world is a manifestation of our own selves. So 'our cloud' (sounds lousy in English I have no doubt) is so blackened that it has disturbed the equilibrium, which is contributing to the destruction of the planet.

I have no explanation for 'wet shower'. I have realised that English does not permit that expression after reading you reply.

Again thanks my friend. would you be interested to read a transliteration? here it is:

'Matir jotho-rey agoon lagi-ye akash ko-re-chi dhushor
Tomar nil aumbar ekhon doos-shopner chobi
Krurho lipsh-ay oodgoto ay holud baspo the-kay
Baridhara ar nambena lal pushper shondha-ne

Akash tomar bikkhoto deho jotokhani kalimoy
Amader megh pongkil ar aubhed-dau tarocheye
Pranshonchari roshmir duti augom-mo pranto-ray
Barthota ni-ye fee-kay hoy shesh shalok-shong-slesho-ne.

[Devilio]

Thanks so much for your reply & review.

this is the problem with translation. I will try to explain a little bit so please bear with me.

The word I used in Bengali for 'vicious' probably better translated as an obscene and all encompassing force that is ugly in nature. Vicious probably is not the right translation but the problem is I don't know which is.

I tried to present cloud and sky as elements that create a balance in nature. Then I tried to imply that that imbalance in the physical world is a manifestation of our own selves. So 'our cloud' (sounds lousy in English I have no doubt) is so blackened that it has disturbed the equilibrium, which is contributing to the destruction of the planet.

I have no explanation for 'wet shower'. I have realised that English does not permit that expression after reading you reply.

Again thanks my friend. would you be interested to read a transliteration? here it is:

'Matir jotho-rey agoon lagi-ye akash ko-re-chi dhushor
Tomar nil aumbar ekhon doos-shopner chobi
Krurho lipsh-ay oodgoto ay holud baspo the-kay
Baridhara ar nambena lal pushper shondha-ne

Akash tomar bikkhoto deho jotokhani kalimoy
Amader megh pongkil ar aubhed-dau tarocheye
Pranshonchari roshmir duti augom-mo pranto-ray
Barthota ni-ye fee-kay hoy shesh shalok-shong-slesho-ne.

I like it much better in Bengali Keep writing in English too. All the best.

[hillwalker]

Perhaps for 'vicious' you could have 'avaricious' - a 'cloud' that applies to a person might be better expressed as an 'aura' - and for 'wet shower' just use 'shower'.

H