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Thread: a myth

  1. #1
    confidentially pleased cacian's Avatar
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    a myth

    so strange
    how you sit
    quiet and late
    looking out
    onto
    the river
    gate
    a long prolonged
    sigh on your face
    appear
    to age the mirror
    gaze

    a smile may lift
    the sultry pale
    impossible is
    not the case
    appearances
    can bring a pace
    a change much
    needed never phase
    even to those
    who quit the faith

    so strange
    how you pit
    longing for wit
    if only you could
    raise the myth
    be brave and take
    by it the kick
    and see the hit
    rise and lit
    transformation is
    much a rit
    and you beside
    it the perfect fit
    Last edited by cacian; 01-27-2013 at 06:50 AM.
    it may never try
    but when it does it sigh
    it is just that
    good
    it fly

  2. #2
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    Hello cacian, I found this interesting but confusing, her's my take. I'll go thru it with my reactions.

    Quote Originally Posted by cacian View Post
    so strange
    how you sit
    quiet and late
    looking out
    onto
    the river
    gate ----------------so we've established N is at least an intimate friend who's curious but about what precisely? That it's quiet and late? that Subject is looking at the river or the river gate? The image of a river gate is odd too, as is why someone should prefer to look at a gate rather than a river! Placing 'gate' in a line of it's own gives it exaggerated importance which i now expect to be built on in the poem.
    a long prolonged ---------------- not sure long prolonged works here. Nor the idea of seeing s sigh on a face, hear it yes but I think I'd see other things like downturned lips, half closed eyes, and hear slow drawn out (prolonged perhaps) exhalations.
    sigh on your face
    appear
    to age the mirror
    gaze ------------------------- Again there's room for confusion, is the mirror aged? how does a gaze age?

    a smile may lift
    the sultry pale
    impossible is
    not the case
    appearances
    can bring a pace
    a change much
    needed never phase
    even to those
    who quit the faith ----------------- this stanza doesn't quite make it for me, I think I know what you mean by 'sultry pale' which strikes me as a nice poetic phrase but it is vague. Neither am I easy with stating negatives (impossible is not the case) I'd rather know what is. The statement about change is confusing but I;m only half certain that it's because of your use of tense but it may be the inclusion of 'to'.

    so strange
    how you pit--------------Don't understand 'pit' in this context.
    longing for wit
    if only you could
    raise the myth ------------- how is this performed?
    be brave and take
    by it the kick ------------- how is this performed?
    and see the hit ------------ no idea
    rise and lit ------------------ditto
    transformation is
    much a rit ----------------what's a 'rit'?
    and you beside
    it the perfect fit --------------whatever it is you're trying to say I have no idea of how this resolution actually resolves anything as it doesn't relate (to me at least) to any earlier part of the poem.
    Needs a bit of work I think. I'd love to know your rationale for line breaks. Hope you find this constructive.
    Respect, Pete Ak
    Last edited by Pete Ak; 01-28-2013 at 01:39 AM.

  3. #3
    confidentially pleased cacian's Avatar
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    This is very elaborate Pete and thank you for reading and going through it,
    'pit' for 'pity'
    'rit' for 'ritual'

    I have read through all your comments and I see what you actually mean. I shall rethink this. Thank you Pete.
    it may never try
    but when it does it sigh
    it is just that
    good
    it fly

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