Who with blue string wove
tonight's stony sky?
A cliff of cloud looked on
while we waltzed within its shadow
and mingled with the sweetness
of the sometimes rain and wind.
I lie here sleeping
and remembering
sad as a rock
in my conscious unconsciousness.
There is nothing now that I can see
but fields and fields of me.
Thank you for your comments!
Last edited by Lykren; 01-05-2013 at 03:27 PM.
I love it Lykren. Nice imagery
I do wonder about the mood transition between stanzas and the sense of loss. Care to explain?
Before sunlight can shine through a window, the blinds must be raised - American Proverb
Thank you Delta. I attribute the change of mood between stanzas to the fact that I don't start out with a plan. It's hard for me to know what it's referring to in my life, really.
Ok. It is apparent there is an element of happiness in S1. I can only use logic to guess about the subsequent sadness when you write 'I lie here sleeping and remembering sad as a rock' because the evening came to an end. It could however, just as easily imply something else. Closing lines, as your sadness becomes greater, you see yourself alone.
I wonder if you should make some slight changes to S2. I like sad as a rock but you might change either of the following words:
sleeping
remembering
conscious
unconsciousness
Before sunlight can shine through a window, the blinds must be raised - American Proverb
Hmm. Thanks for your insights. Now that I've examined it a bit, I think the sadness in S2 & S3 seems to be the natural sadness that follows a happiness. Then... The egoism of S3 continues that process of degradation. Basically what you said, heh.
I like sad as a rock better than the rest of S2 also. How about:
I lie here resting, dreaming
sad as a rock
in my wakeful solitude.
?
Word order is one of the cardinal rules of the English language, regardless of whether you're writing metered or free verse. So perhaps consider changingh line one to: "Who wove tonight's stony sky with blue string?"
By the bye, "stony" sky? I know about metaphors and how ill-advised it is to take verse literally, but still. . .is this describing a meteor shower?
Likewise, watch out for the "pathetic fallacy" (far-fetched personification) in phrases like "sad as a rock." Rocks don't have emotions, no way, no how.
I realize that "conscious unconsciousness" may be an intriguing idea; will have to ask a psychologist next time I bump into one. But I don't think the phrase is especially lyrical,nor as an oxymoron (a la "darkness visible") is it legit. It just doesn't make sense.
Other than that, the rest of the piece is A-OK.
Last edited by AuntShecky; 01-05-2013 at 07:31 PM.
I mean no offense. But this feels more like a grade school teachers analysis than that of a poet; you are being to literal and simple with your logic, we do not measure one wight with another unless they are equal. You are not reading this as an appreciator of beauty but as a computer.Originally Posted by AuntShecky
That was a critique of a critique.
Quite personally I thought the poem very pleasant.
There's some nicely inventive language in this, Lykren – the 'sometimes rain' (which I'd be tempted to keep at that, without the 'and wind' addition), the 'cliff of cloud' and the image of the 'blue string sky'.
I wonder if you should tidy up the opening line's mixed metaphor – the sky is 'string' and 'stony'? Other aspects of your language use aren't so strong, as have been pointed out.
My main issue is that it's not a very coherent poem; you start with this brilliant image of the woven sky, which is also a philosophical reflection on God or nature; then ditch that and it becomes an anecdote about 'waltzing' with an unnamed other before sleeping / remembering what had happened. And the ending is all too self-centred for my liking. It doesn't make for a satisfying poem; the 'blue string sky' doesn't add up to much by the end.
* * *
And, AIII, while you mean no offence, your comments do come across as personally offensive (although perhaps that's up to AuntShecky). I see what you're saying, but the argument that poetry is all about feelings or 'appreciating beauty' is completely redundant. That's not to say emotional reactions aren't part of it, of course they are. It's just that form is as important as content; and if we're to have meaningful discussions about poetry, how we as writers can create it, how we can create art and not just hope we've got lucky with random inspirations, then we need to discuss the mechanics. If you've not considered that before (although from the quality of your own writing it would strike me as odd if you haven't) then perhaps there's something you can learn from what AuntShecky is saying.
Your argument in favour of the poem is that you found it 'very pleasant'. Fair enough, but in terms of convincing argument, AuntShecky's valid, substantiated questions and criticisms far outweigh such a subjective and superficial response. If you think she's wrong, your counter-argument needs to be far more persuasive and detailed. And the main way you can do that is by discussing how successful the poet has been in using form in relation to content.
I apologize to Aunt; I realize now looking over it that I used imprecise words which made what I meant to say seem too cruel. Let me try again. Aunty the fault I found with your criticism is that poetry necessitates a more liberal appreciation, where meaning is not the sole purpose but simply one of many. I thought you stressed to much certain gramatical (in the latin sense) aspects which in an journalistic article you would be right to stress on but in poetry require a more open view. That is all.
You are right, I have never been much of a talented critique. And Auntshecky's critique was very well detailed, and I appreciate the effort and time she put into offering help to another member.
blanklverse, thanks for your commentary, which reinforces some of my own opinions; such as, that 'stony' and 'waltzing' are not the most useful words for this situation.
I might come back later with an edited version.
I also found the imagery in this very original. I agree with Auntie that your syntax in the first sentence is difficult and awkward and detracts from its creativity. Personally I saw the reference to sky as a gray sky streaked with spaces of blue. Sad as a rock didn't fly with me either. We all have urges to make the world of animals and objects speak for and to us.
I've used Robert Frost's poem Stopping By Woods on a Snowy Evening many times in this forum; so I hope I am not sounding like a broken record when I say that his use of the horse in that poem is a study of how to use something that doesn't speak language to speak nevertheless. Frost's example: "He gives his harness bells a shake/To ask if there is some mistake." In these lines the horse is still a horse, doing what horses do, but communicating something we understand as a question.
I would try and see your rock for its intrinsic qualities and build from them how sadness could be communicated through them without losing rockness.
All in all there is much beauty in this poem and much to be said about how we are cradled in the hammock of our environment.
Perhaps cold as a rock might be better as it suggests lack or loss of feeling and even heaviness.
Before sunlight can shine through a window, the blinds must be raised - American Proverb
Hmm...
what would you think of something like
I lie here sleeping
and remembering,
a pebble below the open sky,
dreaming and alone.
or does that still feel like taking the metaphor too far?
I love the first stanza. :3
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