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Thread: Cafe scene , sometime.

  1. #1
    It wasn't me Jerrybaldy's Avatar
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    Cafe scene , sometime.

    An android in the rain with cloudy eyes
    serves me olives.
    I read of recent deaths
    on the table top display.
    Spots burns holes in my jacket.
    Neon lights wash back and forth
    puddled by your feet.
    You hold my flaccid hand
    like a child with a fever,
    blowing smoke straight through
    a Chinese scented steam.

    We could catch the spacetrain out of here.
    Or watch the A67 spacejunk eclispe the moon.
    I feed you noodles like electric veins.
    I think I see mummy in the crowd
    being frogmarched by.
    It's a facsimilie.
    Like this evening's sponsored rainbow
    in our senseless spinning sky.
    Last edited by Jerrybaldy; 01-04-2013 at 09:03 PM.

    For those who believe,
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    For those who do not,
    none will suffice.

  2. #2
    All are at the crossroads qimissung's Avatar
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    Wow, dinner with you sounds like a rather freighted affair. Very Lucy in the sky with diamonds-ish. I think I feel a touch of food poisoning coming on with that last stanza. So, effective, yes.
    "The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its' own reason for existing." ~ Albert Einstein
    "Remember, no matter where you go, there you are." Buckaroo Bonzai
    "Some people say I done alright for a girl." Melanie Safka

  3. #3
    Registered User Delta40's Avatar
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    Restaurant at the end of the universe? What can I say - not your best but your brilliance lurks somewhere, sometime behind it.
    Before sunlight can shine through a window, the blinds must be raised - American Proverb

  4. #4
    The Ghost of Laszlo Jamf islandclimber's Avatar
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    I found the first two lines with the slant rhyme of sorts, somewhat amateurish...

    Yet the last two lines were quite brilliant. The imagery enclosed there, is fantastic.

  5. #5
    a dark soul Haunted's Avatar
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    An extremely creative piece and a great read, Jer, full of surprises, like "I feed you noodles like electric veins". I suppose the cafe gets a glowing review, as does the poem, from this reader. Do they serve screwdrivers there?

    "But do you really, seriously, Major Scobie," Dr. Sykes asked, "believe in hell?"
    "Oh, yes, I do."
    "In flames and torment?"
    "Perhaps not quite that. They tell us it may be a permanent sense of loss."
    "That sort of hell wouldn't worry me," Fellowes said.
    "Perhaps you've never lost anything of importance," Scobie said.

  6. #6
    Registered User tailor STATELY's Avatar
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    Enjoyed very much.

    So "Blade Runner"... in a good way.

    Ta ! (short for tarradiddle),
    tailor STATELY
    tailor

    who am I but a stitch in time
    what if I were to bare my soul
    would you see me origami

    7-8-2015

  7. #7
    It wasn't me Jerrybaldy's Avatar
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    THank you Comenteers. I enjoyed writing this one. Tailor, good catch, it was on the tv as I wrote it. My new years resolution is to stop writing mediocre poetry, so I am off. If I post again please tell me to f*ck off.

    For those who believe,
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  8. #8
    It wasn't me Jerrybaldy's Avatar
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    oh and BTW islandclimber its supposed to sound amateurish. I dont get paid or anything. I slipped up on the closing lines. I thought it was pay day.

    For those who believe,
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  9. #9
    It wasn't me Jerrybaldy's Avatar
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    and I nearly forgot, screwdrivers are two for one, for one night only. x

    For those who believe,
    no explanation is necessary.
    For those who do not,
    none will suffice.

  10. #10
    feathers firefangled's Avatar
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    I liked this very much and am kicking my *** for not seeing it sooner than Tailor, because the first thing that came to mind was Deckard and Rachael at an Off-world cafe. I've got no complaints; the imagery was very imaginative.

  11. #11
    Inexplicably Undiscovered
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    I don't think it means anything at all, but, man, is the language ever expressive! Parts are deriviative, such as the Blade Runner reference and the "facsimile" line reminds me of The Matrix. Closing lines are brilliant, as also previously reported. Oh, maybe you'll want to fix the typo in "eclipse." Reversed letters-- you must've typed it fast.

    PS Which are the "mediocre" ones? You must've gotten your own work mixed up with that of somebody else. Because your stuff is unique, and you can't be unique and mediocre at the same time.
    Last edited by AuntShecky; 01-02-2013 at 01:38 AM.

  12. #12
    TobeFrank Paulclem's Avatar
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    It reminded me of Neuromancer - but i can see Blade Runner and The Matrix in there. It's probably because i read that more recently. It's good so f**k off with your " tell me to f**k off if I post again".

  13. #13
    Justifiably inexcusable DocHeart's Avatar
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    I loved this. Haunted, "I feed you noodles like electric veins" is also my favourite line. The "sponsored rainbow" is a great concept, too. Dystopia is insinuated, one consisting only of holograms and virtual this and that and true lies. The rhyme in lines 5 and 8 of S2 is also very effective.

    Thanks for sharing, Jerry.

    Quote Originally Posted by Paulclem View Post
    It's good so f**k off with your " tell me to f**k off if I post again".
    This. ^^
    Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine...

  14. #14
    It wasn't me Jerrybaldy's Avatar
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    I reply only to bump this. That would be an honest post. Some bugger who hasnt read this may read this and think its f ucking marvelous. haha. happy new year.

    For those who believe,
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    For those who do not,
    none will suffice.

  15. #15
    The Ghost of Laszlo Jamf islandclimber's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jerrybaldy View Post
    oh and BTW islandclimber its supposed to sound amateurish. I dont get paid or anything. I slipped up on the closing lines. I thought it was pay day.
    Jerry, I actually quite like this piece. I think "amateurish" was the wrong word to use there. The slant rhyme to start just seemed out of place, the language in that couplet of sorts, too... I cannot think of word for this... It just seemed poor when placed aside the rest of the work.

    I like this new beginning much better. The abruptness of it intrigues. Still the strength of this poem lies in the last stanza.

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