At The Raw Twilight

[white camellia]

Dusk of Winter falls
Upon a page of mystery
Time walking athwart by
Spake the ancient Faith
Ere her womanhood

Battles of Her centuries
Fading allegories of Mind
Dimmed in the artless gazing
Of her expressionless arm
Down the sainthood

[Pete Ak]

I'll say I really enjoy the concatenation of the words and phrases you use, which is true, but doesn't go as far as saying I like the poem as a whole. The use of archaic terminology is interesting without (for me) being justified by the topic. Not that the 'meaning' is clear to me but I like the rhythm and sound of your words.

[hillwalker]

The occasional, gentle touch of an archaic phrase is acceptable when the poem doesn't suffer from it. I felt you did a fine job here except for lines 3 and 4 in the first verse:

Time walking athwart by
Spake the ancient Faith

You can't walk 'athwart by' anything - 'athwart' means from side to side or on both sides - and 'spake' suggests something was spoken, but we're not told what. . . so ultimately neither line makes sense.

H

[white camellia]

Pete Ak: Thank you for your comment.
hillwalker: Thank you for pointing out the grammar flaws.

[virtuoso]

I agree with hillwalker and Peter that lines 3 & 4 are incoherent. I have a suggestion. For lines 3 & 4, "Time striding beside/bespoke her ancient faith". Also, "down the sainthood" is not a pertinent ending. Maybe, "touching the immortal sainthood". It encapsulates the temporal and spiritual aspects of time. I like many of your descriptive phrases. Look forward to your next poem.