Results 1 to 4 of 4

Thread: The Nature Of Beauty And the Birth Of Sin. (WIP)

  1. #1
    DarkDeity Richie Le Duffy's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2012
    Location
    Ireland
    Posts
    5

    The Nature Of Beauty And the Birth Of Sin. (WIP)

    "Beauty my friend is a blessing" Piper remarked through gritted teeth as he tried, in vain, to re-light his pipe, his eyes never leaving the portrait above the fire. William, who had up until now, being enjoying the blessed silence replied, perhaps to curtly; "Oh really? How so?" Pipers face betrayed a flash of hurt but he continued unperturbed "because those who posess beauty, real beauty that is, need not worry, the rest will follow, money, power, it falls into their lap as if the world were their plaything." He paused, waiting for a response.
    William entertained him, drawing on his cigarette he replied "There my dear Piper you are wrong. Beauty, in all forms, is in fact a curse. The Gods are cruel when they shape us mere mortals, and no-more so when they see fit to bestow the "gift of beauty" upon an unfortunate soul, for beauty is by nature fickle, as are those who posess it, they beguile the masses with their radiance and sweet talk their way into positions of power, and highstanding, but what pray tell happens when time catches up? When their beauty withers and dies along with their power and money?." he paused watching the faint blue smoke rise before him, and of course giving Piper a chance to argue, it was always more enjoyable when he did, but today he seemed to not take the bait.
    "I shall tell you, it is then when all they had has been taken away from them, that the Gods cruel jape is played out, and they mock us for our stupidity."
    He watched now with his grey eyes as a frown appeared on Pipers face, and with the annoyance all courtesy seemed to fade. "Must you always be so cynical William?"
    Drawing once more upon his cigarette he looked at his long time friend; "Only my dear Piper, when the opportunity arises." Getting up from his chair turning his back on Piper and the dreadfully macabre portrait he said " Now if you'll be so kind as to summon me a hansom, I have an engagement with our American friend."

    The sun had begun to set as William stepped out of the hansom and out onto the cobbled road before the Riverside Inn, where the american, Arthur Dent had chosen to lodge. On the outside it looked more akin to a run-down bar than an inn, smeared in the grime and soot of the city, it's walls, in parts, the same putrid green as the river before him. On the inside it was far worse.
    Packed from wall to wall, with a motley assortment of fishermen, whores and other such ruffians, the smell of sweat had rotten fish had long since permeated the air. William felt his throat tighten and his upper lip curl into a half-snarl. Desperate to be quit of the place he began to scan the room for Dent, finally finding him in a dimly lit corner far from the bar.
    With a great effort and personal restraint William managed to push through the crowd to the table, short of breath and temper he sat down without even the slightest of nods, across from Dent, reaching disparately inside his jacket for his cigarette box, only when he had his cigarette lit did he even attempt to acknowledge Dent, who had this entire time been watching with the slightest of smiles playing across his face.
    "For the love of God Arthur why do you insist on staying in this cesspool? If you had but asked either Piper or myself we could have set you up with a room on the Savoy!"
    Dent merely smirked, "I like it here" he replied "fewer eyes that are inclined to wander." William guffawed "Yes drunkards, whore and lice ridden beds, I can see the charm." Ignoring the jibe Dent gestured to the barkeep. William cocked an eyebrow, "We aren't staying here for the night are we?" This time Dent laughed "No William, I fear if we stayed here they would need to call the Asylum sooner than later." William allowed himself a smile; "Then why don't we go?" Dent's playful smirk disappeared as he glanced out the window "Not yet, i prefer to see the city at night."
    People die of common sense, Dorian, one lost moment at a time. Life is a moment. There is no hereafter. So make it burn always with the hardest flame.

  2. #2
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Apr 2010
    Posts
    6,053
    This is coming along well - an intriguing portrayal of the seedier side of London presumably set during the time of Sherlock Holmes or earlier. Perhaps now would be a good time to have something happen since most readers quickly give up if it's all scene-setting or back-ground exposition. We're still no nearer knowing whether it's a mystery, science fiction, romance or social satire.

    I'd also suggest you take a second look at the sentence beginning : With a great effort and personal restraint...
    It's much too long and tends to ramble.

    And your character Arthur Dent - unfortunately forever imprinted on my mind as the hapless MC of 'The Hitch-hiker's Guide to the Galaxy'.

    H

  3. #3
    DarkDeity Richie Le Duffy's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2012
    Location
    Ireland
    Posts
    5
    Thank you ^^ and i will certainly review that line, didn't think my punctuation was that bad xD :L And blast! i knew the name sounded too familiar xD
    People die of common sense, Dorian, one lost moment at a time. Life is a moment. There is no hereafter. So make it burn always with the hardest flame.

  4. #4
    Registered User Steven Hunley's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    Location
    San Diego Calif.
    Posts
    1,825
    Blog Entries
    15
    Good period piece so far. As Hill noted you may want to add some plot elements early on, or foreshadow them. That gives us mystery. At this point we know what it looks like and sounds like. But what is it about? So we got setting and we got characters. We need some story. I say "some" story, as you don't want to give it away, but story is what keeps the readers reading. By giving them some foreshadowing, it's like giving a person a glimpse of an interesting horizon. It's indistinct from where they're standing. In order to find out what it is, they have to progress to it, to keep on reading. But one more thing. Capitalize American. It's a proper noun. Like we Yankees would capitalize Londoners or Englishmen or what have you.
    Last edited by Steven Hunley; 12-06-2012 at 09:43 PM.

Similar Threads

  1. Birth
    By JackieGinger in forum Personal Poetry
    Replies: 8
    Last Post: 10-30-2010, 09:32 AM
  2. Birth
    By K K Srivastava in forum Personal Poetry
    Replies: 1
    Last Post: 04-13-2010, 04:55 PM
  3. Before Birth
    By billyjack in forum Philosophical Literature
    Replies: 17
    Last Post: 01-05-2009, 08:01 AM
  4. The Nature of Mary: the Virgin Birth
    By weepingforloman in forum Religious Texts
    Replies: 57
    Last Post: 12-14-2007, 12:27 AM
  5. Birth
    By adilyoussef in forum Personal Poetry
    Replies: 4
    Last Post: 09-27-2005, 08:32 AM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •