Lintukoto (Revised)

[Mawaya-No-Kami]

Hi guys, for those that read my first post you will know that there was a lot of work needed! So I've been busy and here's what I've been doing so far...

1. The prologue has been thrown out for a brief introduction, I'm not certain if it work better or is even needed but I thought I'd try it
2. I've included the first paragraph of chapter one, the content is the same but is written a little differently and I just want to see if it read any better :/

Introduction
Lintukoto: The World As It Is Today

For over half of a century the islands of Lintukoto have ridden the winds above an endless ocean of clouds that reach out to the horizon in every direction, breaking only when reaching the sky itself. The individual segments of the islands are held together in their movement by a series of rope bridges built by the inhabitants, the Lintu.
There are few amongst these people that are alive today who are old enough to have within them the memories of how the islands came to be, who remember what came before them. Above the clouds, these people have a new life and for many it is not important or even relevant what came before them but for some it will be everything.


Chapter One
Kave: A New Moon

Kave stood under the dark sapphire blanket of the night sky admiring his work as he did every night, surrounded by the long grass that grew on the northern most island. The stars sparkled like the reflections of fireflies on still water as the night sky breathed a silent breeze of tranquility across the islands, a stillness that echoed the calm in his heart. He had painted the moon above in the image of his wife Ilmatar and it had filled his beating heart with a warm pride, a feeling that contradicted the cold glow of the pale white arc that now stood amongst the stars.

Thanks!

[hillwalker]

The intro shows exactly where you're going wrong:

For over half of a century the islands of Lintukoto have ridden the winds above an endless ocean of clouds that reach out to the horizon in every direction, breaking only when reaching the sky itself.
endless = without end
Why spend another 16 words explaining what 'endless' means then blow it all by telling us this ocean of clouds actually does end?

I'm not sure why we need an introduction to tell us the islands are linked by rope bridges either.

And the final two sentences:
The first is repetitive - none have 'within them the memories' and few 'remember what came before' - isn't that saying the same thing twice?
The second tells us the past is unimportant for most - but not for all. Again, hardly worth mentioning.

Do we need this Introduction? I'll let you decide that for yourself.

The first paragraph of Chapter 1 is certainly better than your original attempt. There are some good descriptions, but that's all you have given us so far. Why would anyone be tempted to continue reading? Where's the hook, the conflict, the plot?

H

[Mawaya-No-Kami]

I'm glad to see there's some improvement...

This is exactly why I come, your feedback is very helpful and very much appreciated.

How can I express that the clouds are endless (as in the physically do not end) but their existence is visually broken by the horizon? That's what I was trying to get across, maybe that in itself is an expression wasted?

Most importantly, I'm pleased that chapter one reads better as this is clearly more important...

Seeing as you have read the first attempt and know that the purpose of the first chapter is to introduce Kave and the orange glow in the distance (that being the hook, that this glow is unusual and concerning) how can I introduce this so soon? I could just say "here's kave, there's a glow in the distance that isn't normally there and it worries him" with a bit more detail obviously, is that what I need to do maybe?

Or does this glow need more context? Either in story or for you to interpret where I'm going wrong!

Thanks, this really does help with a project that means a lot to me.

Also, you are very correct. I've stripped down the intro so barely that there is nothing in there that cannot be expressed throughout the main story itself, the age of the islands, how or why they were created can simply be mentioned briefly by the introduction of the old man as he is one of two old enough to have been there...

I realise that this allows me to open up the rich history of the world as I go along, so thanks again.

[hillwalker]

See. There's absolutely no need for the Intro.

The clouds are endless - so what? This matter can be better brought up later in the tale - though, if they're endless how does the moon show through them for Kave to draw it? I think you're concentrating too much on the physicality of the setting and its history whilst ignoring the plot.

How to introduce the orange glow?
It's simple - as Kave sets about to study the night sky he suddenly sees this orange glow in the sky.
Of course, it needs to be introduced rather more dramatically than that to have some impact but again you're overcomplicating matters. You're telling a story - get on with it

H

[Mawaya-No-Kami]

I've cut out about four pages of what was a literary void, chapter one will be reduced by size in half as I've introduced the orange glow in paragraph two...

As he looked up to the heavens at his creation with a contented smile held firm across his rugged face, there is something else on the horizon that is trying to steal his attention. With his eyes as dark as the night sky itself resolute to taking in the wonder that he had painted the gentle breeze brushed past him, causing his raven hair to dance like flames and the feathers above his left ear to do the same. There were two large feathers as dark as his hair and a third almost as big, each fully grown feather representing a decade of life.
Finally he allowed his eyes to drift down and look out onto the horizon, there he saw a fiery orange glow emanating from clouds as if there was something under them causing this anomaly.

And I've just as easily introduced the rope bridges when referring to the old man as coming from the direction of one and simply saying that they connect the islands, one sentence, job done!

And something else I've clearly neglected is that the islands are ABOVE the clouds, so there is clear, undisturbed sky above the islands - these islands float above clouds! An aspect I'm clearly not being clear enough on.

[Mutatis-Mutandis]

I got that the islands are above the clouds.

I really see nothing wrong with the intro. If it was pages long, yeah, it may be problem, but it's not. I don't think everything needs to be integrated into the plot--for fantasy stories like these, giving some explicit information can help the reader grasp the ideas, and I kind of like that I'm given a clear picture of this place right off the bat. And I like the description, and I like the idea if wooden rope bridges holding a bunch of floating islands together. It sounds neat.

Hill, I don't really get your "Why would anyone be tempted to continue reading? Where's the hook, the conflict, the plot?" comment. It's two paragraphs. Why would you want all that forced into the first few sentences? World building is a huge part of fantasy stories, so I see no reason this small section would not "tempt" an author to continue reading. I found it quite interesting, and wouldn't have quit (why anyone would quite after such a short section is beyond me, frankly).

I think the biggest problem with this piece, so far, is it's a bit heavy on the adjective-filled descriptions. You're good at them, that's for sure, but I wouldn't keep up this much of it. I think it'd get a bit tiring after a bit.

[hillwalker]

I'm probably still remembering the first draft of this that was tediously long and over-descriptive and repetitive.

I agree that creating a setting in a fantasy world is important - but telling us in 2 different ways that the clouds were endless and that no one could remember the past - it's a stylistic issue rather than a contents issue. For such a brief extract there's not much to get to grips with - it needs fleshing out if anything, but with INTERESTING and RELEVANT details that bring his world to life rather than vague repetitions of inconsequential facts.

In the first post the author seemed to take almost a perverse delight in not even hinting that there was a story to follow - apart from the mention of an orange glow hidden somewhere in the mountain of text. The OP seems intent on repeating the same mistake here by spending too long on the irrelevancies that can be revealed once the story kicks off and paying no heed to the plot.

H

[Mawaya-No-Kami]

Well, over the next 300 words the adjective-filled description do drop off in replacement for explaining the the orange glow and introducing the old man and beginning the conversation that reveals he has knowledge about what is below the clouds - but not the glow itself.

I'm very aware of not repeating the same description using different words, trying to flesh it out is how I came about that problem to begin with so I'm a little cautious of padding and more focused on revealing some plot meaningfully.

I do agree that at this point the story can do without the intro and I am happy to continue as it is, how much of an extract would you like to see in order to gain a greater understanding of plot and direction? Do I need to simply tell you the beginning plot in order for an understanding of the extract to be achieved?

[hillwalker]

By fleshing it out I mean give us more relevant descriptions rather than padding. You're not adding flesh to the bones, you're adding filler - there's a subtle difference.

You mention how the islands are linked by rope bridges - what's below the bridges, a cloud-filled abyss? what does it feel like to cross these bridges? do the clouds sometimes rise up and engulf the bridges or even the islands? what are these clouds like? You don't tell us any of this so we can't begin to picture what life is like in this fantasy world. Instead you give us a rather purply, vague description of the night sky and some breeze of tranquility (?) and the state of Kave's heart. All rather sleep-enducing.

Firstly, we only need telling anything once. Keep it simple and try to remove the flowery prose when it's not adding anything to the picture in our minds.
Secondly, the orange glow has to feature sooner rather than later othwerwise we'll be wondering what the plot is supposed to be about.

H

[Mawaya-No-Kami]

Maybe I needed to give a larger extract, I don't make habit into the flowery prose, and when Kave's attention focuses on the clouds I do explain them further.

The rope bridges now have no mention until the old man appears two paragraphs later as he approaches from one, where their purpose is explained but such detail about crossing them will not be made until someone is actually crossing one.

I believe I have kept the repetition to a minimum as I agree with you previous comments strongly, at this exact moment all that is relevant is kave, the moon and the orange glow. Knowing nothing of outside of the islands, kave cannot give context to the glow until the old man appears.