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Thread: Swaying over sleep

  1. #1
    Dawn Taster Astromaxis's Avatar
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    Swaying over sleep

    body defies gravity
    defies the conscious point
    enters into the depth of well
    gradually beckoning kisses and crumbs
    to exit and enter
    as one pleased

    surreptitious-obvious a hybridization
    cross-pollination of wake and shutdown
    the neutrality-extremity of walking over water
    strangled-mangled-invigorated-ecstatic
    lover's gaze
    mute portraits
    monochrome on matches blazing away

    my ballet bustle strings along a dressed nudity
    passionately and calmly the dancing throbs

    in the slumbers of crossovers
    pitch-forked sensations and mirrors
    the endlessly limited world
    within subjective and understood commons. ▬

  2. #2
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    It starts off reasonably - line 1 is fine - but then it turned increasingly into a demonstration of your erudition rather than a poem.
    From lines 7 onwards it became over-blown and self-consciously impenetrable. Presumably you had fun writing it but it was unreadable.

    H

  3. #3
    Dawn Taster Astromaxis's Avatar
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    I was talking of the phenomenon of drowsiness and also of light sleep. The criss-cross lines of intangibility and tangibility. I am not trying to demonstrate anything especially my erudition. I am sorry it was unreadable to you but this is an experimentation in poetry writing. I am not the best but I am going to keep on trying different poems.

  4. #4
    What a fascinating poem. Very puzzling at times, but not unreadable by any means. Keep on writing, you're doing a phenomenal job.
    De omnibus dubitandum.

  5. #5
    Registered User Jeos's Avatar
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    You are ab-so-lu-te-ly right. There are different kinds of contemporary poetry, some are (unless you are very well informed about author's personal life) quite hermetic.
    Some people are easily disturbed when someone leaves the rails of usual discursive reasoning...
    It's true that compared to Gauguin's, Miro's art might seem "unreadable".
    In fact for me the only unreadable lines are the most readable ones:"as one pleased" and "within subjective and understood commons."
    congratulations for your guts.
    He noblest lives and noblest dies
    who makes and keeps his self-made laws

    Richard Francis Burton

  6. #6
    Dawn Taster Astromaxis's Avatar
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    Thank you so much

  7. #7
    Registered User Delta40's Avatar
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    I particularly liked, cross pollination of wake and shutdown
    Before sunlight can shine through a window, the blinds must be raised - American Proverb

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