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Thread: One's Demon

  1. #1
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Aug 2011
    Alice Springs

    Cool One's Demon

    "Resist it-no...ignore her" Henry struggled to block out the feeling of Stacey moving up against him as she tried to get warm. Henry knew that he should have just taken the coat off and given it to her instead, but once she was tightly snugged into his chest, how could he say no? Before long, images and ideas began flickering through his mind as if watching a pornagraphic slide show. Henry had always been a little mentally screwed, although not once had he ever sucummbed to any of his sick desires knowing just how wrong it would be if he ever did, but even still... sometimes he couldnt help but imagine what it would be like going through without the other persons consent. Would it really be rape? Was that seriously what he was thinking about right now? He'd never do anything to hurt Stacey, but even if she did give him permission, it would still be too much of a risk since he is now posessed by yet another demon, that of which is far more dangerous and twisted then his older, lustful one. This "new" demon often sat at the edge of his mind searching for cracks it could fit through. It also seemed that both his demons went hand in hand together, the newer demon feeding from the lust of the other making it more powerful and harder to keep under control. He could never let it escape again, not after what had almost happened last time.
    "Brrrrr-rrrr" Stacy shivvered and pushed herself even harder into him. Henry felt some of the cool breeze that had gotten through causing a shiver to run down his spine. Stacy figeted as she turned in the coat to face him, her beautiful smiling face beamed up at him...
    "Here" she said as she wrapped her arms around him. For a second he hesitated before doing the same. Both pairs of eyes fixated on the other..."WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?!" echoed a distant voice in Henry's mind. For a moment he considered listening to it, but then a strange cheaky expression flashed accross Stacy's face and before he could even comprehend what was happening she had her arms over his neck and seductivly brought her lips to his and kissed him. The taste of her soft lips, the smell her beautiful raspberry scent and the feeling of her arched back and smooth belly was what set the demon loose. She didn't realize it yet, but she only had moments to live.
    Suddenly, as if knowing what was about to break loose, someone shouted "STOP THIS UNRULY BEHAVOUR! DO YOU HAVE NO CURTACY!?!?" Startled Stacy jumped whilst pulling loose of Henry with the coat. With effort, Henry turned from Stacy to see who had saved her...walking from across the street Daryl was crying of laugher while leaning on his brother Marks shoulder.
    "Staceyy yoou sexy little hoe! where's my kissy kiss!?!" Mark Slurred drunkenly.
    "You wish I was a hoe, don't you Mark?"
    Daryls laughter became so loud that he had to lean over to catch his breath and almost fell over in the proccess.
    "Where's the car?" asked Henry
    "Just by the servo down the road there"
    Henry nodded and gestured for them to Lead the way. When they still didn't move, he gave Mark a shove causing him to almost loose balance and grumble an angry protest. At least they were moving now...
    As they walked towards the service station, debating about which party had the best music, and who had drowned the most drinks, Henry did his best not to look at Stace. Did she jump because she knew something wasnt right? Or was it really because of Marks loud crude voice? Both seemed likely . . . Henry sneaked a side glance at her, she wasnt paying him any attention and still held a cheaky look about her. Maybe he was just paranoid? He needed sleep, he'll just have to fish for the truth tomorrow, but for now, he just wanted to concentrate on getting them all back home. Eventually he'll find out the truth one way or another . . .

    To be continued...

    This was all done on my phone. Sorry for the mistakes . . .
    Last edited by Plain&Simple; 10-12-2012 at 03:41 AM.

  2. #2
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Apr 2010
    1st - reading a block of text like this on-screen isn't easy. Try putting white space between each paragraph.

    Like so.

    As for the story itself, I couldn't really engage with any of your characters. They seemed either unpleasant or just uninteresting. Henry's internalised thought processes were disturbing - but not enough for me to care whether he rapes Stacey or not because you haven't managed to make her a flesh and blood person.

    The dialogue is banal - and what's with the capitalisation? It doesn't add power to what you have written.

    The plot - well, To be continued... seems like a threat rather than a promise. Sorry to be so negative but there's no substance behind this at all. At best it's a flimsy sketch of an idea for a story.

    and 'CURTACY' should be 'courtesy'


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