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Thread: Remorse.

  1. #1
    Registered User zoolane's Avatar
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    Zoolane's Poetry.

    Remorse.

    The air is full with remorse that eating it way thought to my skin.
    It full of regret of the shadow that dancing in dark in the corner.
    The flesh is cradling me.

    Silence is the sound with lavender scent.

    With grip of guilt with its long nails in my neck.
    The rattling of laughing that rings down my spine.
    A drop of the sin that is devours me.
    Last edited by zoolane; 10-13-2012 at 06:18 AM. Reason: change title
    English my native language and have characterizes of dyslexia.

    Copyright (C) 2011, Zoolane

    I have pass by English Exam.

  2. #2
    Registered User Delta40's Avatar
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    I found your poem quite interesting Zoo (nice & dark) Lavender scent catches the readers eye. I hope you don't mind but I reformatted it (without any changes) only as a curiosity to see if the poem reads differently with your unique style. What do you think?

    The air is full with remorse
    that eating it
    way thought to my skin.
    It full of regret
    of the shadow
    that dancing in dark
    in the corner.

    The flesh is cradling me.

    Silence is the sound with lavender scent.

    With grip of guilt
    with its long nails in my neck.
    The rattling of laughing
    that rings down my spine.
    A drop of the sin
    that is
    devours me.
    Before sunlight can shine through a window, the blinds must be raised - American Proverb

  3. #3
    Registered User zoolane's Avatar
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    See both formats I think your suits the poem better but leave as it is and see other readers think.
    English my native language and have characterizes of dyslexia.

    Copyright (C) 2011, Zoolane

    I have pass by English Exam.

  4. #4
    Registered User Delta40's Avatar
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    Love your new avatar Zoo
    Before sunlight can shine through a window, the blinds must be raised - American Proverb

  5. #5
    Registered User zoolane's Avatar
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    Head

    Head.

    As I slice my hand across their face sudden urge is to find knife.
    But should I tie my hands behind back.
    No, taken the head clear off.
    The pain as gone from me.
    Last edited by zoolane; 10-09-2012 at 03:22 PM.
    English my native language and have characterizes of dyslexia.

    Copyright (C) 2011, Zoolane

    I have pass by English Exam.

  6. #6
    It wasn't me Jerrybaldy's Avatar
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    Re Remorse: Deltas version looks more like a poem, but I think I got the full effect from your original post and as with all things zoolike it is original. It captured a very uncomforatable place to be.

    re Head. I keep re reading it, you are talking of your own head here? Who did you slap in the openng? was it a slap at all? You have left me so many questions in so few lines

    For those who believe,
    no explanation is necessary.
    For those who do not,
    none will suffice.

  7. #7
    Registered User zoolane's Avatar
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    The Boil.

    The Boil

    The volcano which just waiting to boil over.
    Just like a pot of over cooking veg on my hob.
    The rupture is stream soaking in the my ceiling
    The lava is melting everything into mash potatoes.
    The ashes is chicken roasting in the oven.
    English my native language and have characterizes of dyslexia.

    Copyright (C) 2011, Zoolane

    I have pass by English Exam.

  8. #8
    Registered User zoolane's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jerrybaldy View Post
    Re Remorse: Deltas version looks more like a poem, but I think I got the full effect from your original post and as with all things zoolike it is original. It captured a very uncomforatable place to be.

    re Head. I keep re reading it, you are talking of your own head here? Who did you slap in the openng? was it a slap at all? You have left me so many questions in so few lines

    Thankyou Jerry for readied.

    First line was direct a child on verge of get slap but she went bed.
    Second line was trying to contain violence outburst.
    Three line was my head. If I can chop my head then I do not listen to the noise.
    Fourth line was because I felt slightly better
    Last edited by zoolane; 10-12-2012 at 06:49 PM.
    English my native language and have characterizes of dyslexia.

    Copyright (C) 2011, Zoolane

    I have pass by English Exam.

  9. #9
    Original Poster Buh4Bee's Avatar
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    LOL! Head was a good one. I can relate. Self-control with the child is very hard.

  10. #10
    It wasn't me Jerrybaldy's Avatar
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    First line was direct a child on verge of get slap but she went bed.
    Second line was trying to contain violence outburst.
    Three line was my head. If I can chop my head then I do not listen noise.
    Fourth line was because I felt slightly better
    Thanks zoo
    That may well be the best response to any question I ever asked.
    JB

    PS I love The Boil too. I keep reading it and it keeps on making me smile like I never read it before.
    Last edited by Jerrybaldy; 10-11-2012 at 07:09 PM.

    For those who believe,
    no explanation is necessary.
    For those who do not,
    none will suffice.

  11. #11
    Registered User zoolane's Avatar
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    Childhood Memories

    Childhood Memories

    The circle of a piece of paper in the air,
    Like a cloud that is quiver as it slide across the sky.
    Echo's of my childhood memories convey,
    Into seamless gust from a broom as it sweep the road.

    Rust of lessons learnt long go,
    From suicides thoughts that lingers.

    Faded into the wall.
    Ribs did stick out,
    Pale as the inside of apple.
    Breath which pour in to the air,
    That freeze into ice in fraction of a second.

    Not happy with stanza 3, third and fourth line in.
    I am open to suggest.
    Last edited by zoolane; 10-13-2012 at 10:23 AM.
    English my native language and have characterizes of dyslexia.

    Copyright (C) 2011, Zoolane

    I have pass by English Exam.

  12. #12
    All are at the crossroads qimissung's Avatar
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    I'm not sure what this is about at all, but there is some beautiful imagery here, Zoolane, as usual.

    I'm particularly with the third stanza. "Pale as an apple" gives a very vivid picture.

    As a whole, while the lines are individually expressive, Zoo, I'm left wondering what it is exactly that your trying to convey?
    "The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its' own reason for existing." ~ Albert Einstein
    "Remember, no matter where you go, there you are." Buckaroo Bonzai
    "Some people say I done alright for a girl." Melanie Safka

  13. #13
    Original Poster Buh4Bee's Avatar
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    Zoo- I like the transitions from one imagery into the next.

    This is a good example of showing verses telling:
    Echo's of my childhood memories convey,
    Into seamless gust from a broom as it sweep the road.

  14. #14
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    I've just got back from an all-day Poetry Workshop. Interesting seeing how an established poet and poetry editor looks at our work - and sobering.

    The golden rule is to give your reader a fresh glimpse of the ordinary. It doesn't require fancy language or complicated metaphors... and it doesn't need to rhyme. But it needs to leave them with an arresting image or memory - something they can take away with them after reading the poem.

    So - I'll see what I have learnt and take a look at your 4 pieces:

    1) Remorse

    What's the important thing about the way remorse makes you feel? How it fills the air or the touch of it on your skin?
    If it's the feel of it on your skin then don't waste our time with the air as well. Get straight to the point - and make that opening line count. You also repeat the word 'full' in 2 adjacent lines - did you not notice that?

    Then you write that it's full of regret - but since remorse and regret are virtually the same thing you're telling us nothing new here.
    The more arresting image is that it's dancing in the dark in the corner so tell us that next. Similarly, the cradle of flesh is emotive - bringing remorse to life. So that's good.

    The next line - the scent of lavender and the silence is also intriguing. Something we would normally associate with comfort and well-being. But in the case of the writer it has a deeper symbolism.

    What follows is equally powerful and leaves a lasting impression. So - cut the 'filler' from your opening two lines and this can be much improved.

    2) Head

    I actually thought this was a poem about how to cure a headache when I first read it.

    We were advised to be as specific as possible when writing poetry - so in your case 'their face' needs to be identified more clearly. 'her face' will probably be sufficient - but if it's a child perhaps you need to use some subtlety to make it clearly.

    'sudden' (and 'suddenly') are devious words that should not be trusted. They work against what they are meant to show. Something sudden is over in a flash - but both words have a rather lazy, long-drawn-out sound that slow things down and almost stretch time.

    I think you can rewrite this opening line - but keep the phrase 'slice my hand' and 'urge to find a knife' because they provide a balance of images that are quite threatening.

    The rest of it is ok - rather conversational in tone but you get the message across.

    3) The Boil

    Sorry - but the title immediately put me off because I thought it was about a boil on your neck or somewhere even more uncomfortable. And since the poem is about food boiling over, the title does most of the job for you. Why bother with the poem?

    The image of your kitchen hob like a volcanic eruption is amusing for a moment, but not exactly inspiring. I think this is a case of zoo having nothing much to write about so making do with sharing your Nigella moments with us. You don't really show us something familiar in a fresh way. It's pretty much the same as most of our kitchen disasters. Definitely the weakest of the 4.

    4) Childhood Memories

    A list of memories - but often that's what poems are. Lists.

    There are some memorable images here but I think you can trim the opening line without losing the sense of what you're describing. Do we need 'the circle of a piece of paper'?

    I love this couplet:
    Rust of lessons learnt long go,
    From suicides thoughts that lingers.

    Rust implies decay, or corrosion because something has no longer been put to use.

    The third verse - I don't think you need 'did' in the second line. It trips up the rhythm. You could say the same with 'Ribs stuck out' or even 'Ribs sticking out'.

    The 3rd line that you say you're not happy with is probably the strongest one - the one most readers will take away with them as a memory after reading it. And perhaps that's the point at which to end your poem.
    Otherwise we're suddenly taken outside where the air is cold. This might well be a memory of yours - but it's one that most of us has experienced so you're ending on a weak note.

    H
    Last edited by hillwalker; 10-13-2012 at 02:27 PM.

  15. #15
    Registered User zoolane's Avatar
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    Thank you for everyone who gave feedback and H I will taken on board what faults in each poem. I will re edit and rewrite and see I can come up with.
    English my native language and have characterizes of dyslexia.

    Copyright (C) 2011, Zoolane

    I have pass by English Exam.

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