Results 1 to 15 of 15

Thread: Hanging Loose.

  1. #1
    Registered User Delta40's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Location
    Condescending Wonka
    Posts
    8,983
    Blog Entries
    61

    Hanging Loose.

    And while nothing is truly aligned -
    it is said that some pictures
    appear better off centre,
    my belly will always have that flabby mass
    as the rest of me shrinks away
    and stretch marks,
    those reminders of some great milestone
    I passed while my ankles
    locked under my chin
    are now just useless fat
    that couldn't be sold to light a candle
    or even liposuck this story
    to make the sloppy overhang more interesting
    for any other reason
    than to say the puckered bits of my passion
    still exist to this day
    but I would hope the distorted pieces
    of me are the parts that you like best.
    Last edited by Delta40; 08-04-2012 at 05:33 PM.
    I used to be a Feminist ©? But now I just shut up and take it

  2. #2
    Beyond the world aliengirl's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    Location
    Blue Planet
    Posts
    2,333
    Hey Delta! I'm back here after a long long time. Nice to read you once again though I'm not sure what you mean by these lines-

    Quote Originally Posted by Delta40 View Post
    or even liposuck this story
    to make the sloppy overhang more interesting
    for any other reason
    than to say the puckered bits of my passion
    still exist to this day.
    The last two lines are the best. People who accept you with your 'distorted pieces' are rare but if you have found any such person you should be proud of it.
    I must create a system, or be enslaved by another man's. ~ William Blake

    Captivity is consciousness,
    So's liberty. ~ Emily Dickinson

  3. #3
    Something's gotta give PrinceMyshkin's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2007
    Location
    Montreal, QC
    Posts
    8,726
    Blog Entries
    1
    It feels to me as if every metaphor in this wonderful poem were a chunk bitten off from reality. Along with Aliengirl I rejoice in those last two lines, but I loved everything that came before it.

  4. #4
    Pièce de Résistance Scheherazade's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2004
    Location
    Not where I like to be.
    Posts
    22,963
    This poem has a great flow, Delta, and a great sincerity about it. To ensure the flow is shared with all the readers, I would get rid of all the punctuation marks apart from the commas - just for this poem - and let it come out in one breath.
    ~
    Whom the Gods love, they drive nuts.


  5. #5
    Registered User Delta40's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Location
    Condescending Wonka
    Posts
    8,983
    Blog Entries
    61
    Quote Originally Posted by Scheherazade View Post
    This poem has a great flow, Delta, and a great sincerity about it. To ensure the flow is shared with all the readers, I would get rid of all the punctuation marks apart from the commas - just for this poem - and let it come out in one breath.
    Thanks Scher. I get too mindful of punctuation at times so I edited it a bit to help with the one breath effect.
    Last edited by Delta40; 08-04-2012 at 05:37 PM.
    I used to be a Feminist ©? But now I just shut up and take it

  6. #6
    It wasn't me Jerrybaldy's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2010
    Posts
    2,821
    Blog Entries
    1
    narrative. woop woop. honest and self depreciating and brilliant.
    Last edited by Jerrybaldy; 08-04-2012 at 06:41 PM.

    For those who believe,
    no explanation is necessary.
    For those who do not,
    none will suffice.

  7. #7
    Registered User Delta40's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Location
    Condescending Wonka
    Posts
    8,983
    Blog Entries
    61
    Thanks Jerry. I'm glad to break out of the mould I was in
    I used to be a Feminist ©? But now I just shut up and take it

  8. #8
    Registered User kittypaws's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2010
    Location
    where ever I happen to be at the moment
    Posts
    500
    Blog Entries
    18
    Another good one Delta....but just remember that beauty is only skin deep and even the sloppy overhang is just a thing.

    Love looks past all those things and clutches up the spirit and when you least expect it a revived love or a new love falls in to your tiny little bit of space....making life worth something again!

    Your poem was very effective.


    kittypaws
    Everyone finds himself in the world where he belongs. The essential thing is to have a fixed point from which to check its reality now and then.
    Ancient Egyptian Inner Temples

  9. #9
    Registered User Delta40's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Location
    Condescending Wonka
    Posts
    8,983
    Blog Entries
    61
    you're such a romantic Kitty!
    I used to be a Feminist ©? But now I just shut up and take it

  10. #10
    Good piece. The title fits very well.

  11. #11
    Registered User Jeos's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2012
    Location
    Brussels
    Posts
    206
    of course we can love 'distorted pieces' when we have that "something" in our heart allowing us to hoist ourselves above appearances.
    From a technical point of view, confessionalism (even when well organised- your text it's a nice prose) is one thing, poetry another...
    He noblest lives and noblest dies
    who makes and keeps his self-made laws

    Richard Francis Burton

  12. #12
    Beyond the world aliengirl's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    Location
    Blue Planet
    Posts
    2,333
    Quote Originally Posted by Jeos View Post
    From a technical point of view, confessionalism (even when well organised- your text it's a nice prose) is one thing, poetry another...
    Though I don't consider myself an expert in poetic technical details, let me tell you that Delta can write a poem on any topic under the sun and it will always read like a poem. You may or may not like her style, which we call Deltasque here, but she is a versatile poet.
    I must create a system, or be enslaved by another man's. ~ William Blake

    Captivity is consciousness,
    So's liberty. ~ Emily Dickinson

  13. #13
    Registered User Delta40's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Location
    Condescending Wonka
    Posts
    8,983
    Blog Entries
    61
    I think you need to consider 'distorted pieces' as more than just physical Jeos and raise it to a level of thinking which encompasses the entire poem. For me, that is the N's attraction.
    I used to be a Feminist ©? But now I just shut up and take it

  14. #14
    feathers firefangled's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2007
    Location
    Florida near Tampa Bay
    Posts
    3,025
    True beauty begins with love of self.

    The honesty in all your poems is irresistable.

    I think loving self-assessment is about the sexiest thing any man or woman has going on.

    And you laid that out just right.

  15. #15
    Registered User Delta40's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Location
    Condescending Wonka
    Posts
    8,983
    Blog Entries
    61
    Quote Originally Posted by firefangled View Post
    True beauty begins with love of self.

    The honesty in all your poems is irresistable.

    I think loving self-assessment is about the sexiest thing any man or woman has going on.

    And you laid that out just right.
    Now I'm feeling sexy....
    I used to be a Feminist ©? But now I just shut up and take it

Similar Threads

  1. Hanging by Golden Threads
    By ScottHarp in forum Short Story Sharing
    Replies: 0
    Last Post: 09-05-2011, 12:05 AM
  2. Set Loose
    By everyadventure in forum Personal Poetry
    Replies: 14
    Last Post: 07-30-2011, 11:51 PM
  3. Loose Threads
    By Delta40 in forum Personal Poetry
    Replies: 7
    Last Post: 11-16-2010, 11:47 PM
  4. Hanging with Emma Woodhouse
    By Marlow in forum Emma
    Replies: 8
    Last Post: 08-03-2010, 06:05 AM
  5. Hanging out the washing
    By whitman in forum Personal Poetry
    Replies: 0
    Last Post: 08-29-2008, 04:05 AM

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •